When you've given your kid an ugly trait
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Egm80
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My entire life, I've struggled with a facial mark that caused a great deal of bullying and embarrassment throughout my childhood. I've spent 10's of thousands of dollars to improve the appearance of it - those procedures plus heavy makeup allows it to go somewhat undetected in my life now that I'm in my 30s. I met my husband after much of this was done.
I now have a handsome little boy - well, handsome if it weren't for the fact that I passed on this blemish. I'm wracked with guilt. I really thought that this was a fluke thing and not something to worry about passing, but it's so prominent on my baby as his skin is milky white and the contrast is so strong. As a male, he won't be able to wear makeup to cover it and I cannot tell you how horrible I feel about it. My husband has been talking about another child and I'm beside myself. I can't imagine another child running around the house with this and my husband seeing the faint image of it on my face when I'm out of the shower. Any advice on how I can get over myself and what I can do to help my son once he's old enough to get questions? |
Anonymous
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http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-humber-31695410
Like this? OP, I know you've been emotionally scarred by what you've been through, but it doesn't mean your child will be. But he "will" sense something from you, even if you don't come out and say anything. Have you thought about getting therapy to deal with this? Even if you've had therapy in the past, this is a new challenge you face -- that of your son. I wish you the best. |
Anonymous
| Honestly OP, your insecurity and attitude regarding this so called flaw will be far more damaging to your son than any birthmark. You need to change how you approach this, quick. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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Don't assume he'll care. I don't think boys get as self-conscious about this stuff as girls do.
I had a boyfriend years ago who had a big dent in his chest. I mean, it was the size of a fist. I asked about it and he said it was a birth defect. No embarrassment at all, no self-consciousness, nothing. Maybe you could put some money aside in case he wants to have the same procedure you had someday? but don't mention it unless he says anything about it? I had a big gap between my front teeth as a child, that was eventually fixed by braces. My daughter has the same gap. I plan to pay for braces when the time comes, but not dwell on it. Teeth sometimes have gaps - no biggie. |
Anonymous
| Does you husband know you had this mark? it was not clear to me. If not, tell him. I am sure he won't care. He wants another baby with you even after your son had the same birth mark. I am sorry that you suffered for it. Now it is time to truly put everything in perspective to help your son and future kids. |
Anonymous
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How old is your child OP, and is this a port wine stain? If so know that the treatments have really improved and can beremarkably effective, especially on babies.
Regardless I also agree with the previous posters that your own traumatic experiences are likely coloring how you feel about this, along with the fact that your child is still an baby. Any imperfection looms larger with an infant because at that age it is one of the few things you can see or know about them. As he grows there will,be so much more personality in your son that your knowledge of his birthmark will be just one small piece of information about him. |
Anonymous
I fully agree with this. Get help professionally for yourself now. I have a relative whose child has alopecia. The mom is very vain and concerned about hair - and this has given the child a huge amount of address stress and distress growing up. You don't want to do this. |
Anonymous
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I am sorry for all the bullying you endured, but you really need to get in to counseling for this before your issues become your son's.
He's an infant an already you are thinking of him as he'd be handsome if only he didn't. Please please talk to someone. I speak as a child of someone with a similar background as you only she didn't talk to someone and passed her pain on to me. |
Anonymous
| OP, could you consult with a reconstructive surgeon or derm who specializes in this issue, so you can see what your options are for your children? Maybe there's something they can do and it will help relieve some of your stress. GL! |
Anonymous
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Many newborns have red marks that fade in a few weeks. You have to distinguish between a "stork bite" (temporary) and a lasting port-wine stain.
Having said that, this is really about your attitude. This is cosmetic. It's hardly a birth defect. |
Anonymous
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The "ugly trait" you risk passing on to your son is your attitude about physical appearance. Do what it takes to NOT pass this on to your children. Whether that's therapy or taking some time to really reflect on your life and what's important. I'm not trying to minimize the pain you've suffered from bullies, not at all. But you have the chance here to make your child's life really awesome by instilling a love for inner beauty early on.
When questions about birth marks (or other physical features) come up say things like "yep, you do have a a big birth mark, guess what, I do to! and I think we're both beautiful" Do the same thing for people you see out in public that may look different "yep, that person does look different than what we're used to but that's ok because we all look different and the way you look doesn't really determine how nice you are or how smart you are, etc" These things might sounds corny to you but to a kid I think this kind of thing makes a huge impact on how they feel about themselves. |
Anonymous
| I've always believed in survival of the fittest. If your not a perfect 10 don't reproduce. I'd say I'm a 7 so no kids for me. |
Anonymous
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These things tend to get over-rated, at least physically. I watched "Phantom of the Opera" that movie maybe 10 years ago. The dude took that mask off, and I expected to see a hole in his face (like the guy on Boardwalk Empire). Nope, it was just a little marred up.
All the real scars were on the INSIDE, in his psyche. Just like you. you can fix your face any way you like. Real damage is on the inside and is far harder to see, and fix. We don't know what this genetic ailment is though. Hapsburg jaw? Gonzo nose? Sometimes stuff comes out of nowhere. My oldest daughter has this cartoonish ski-jump nose that looks nothing like mine or my wife's. It is what it is, but for some people dwelling on little details of appearance is a part time job. |
Anonymous
This. You "wracked with guilt" about something you had no control over? You are "beside yourself" at the thought of another child? You think your little boy isn't the most beautiful little boy in the world? You absolutely need to consult a professional so that you can put this issue into perspective. You are not going to be able to help your boy if you view his birthmark as a horrible defect, one so terrible that it makes you not want to have another child. He will sense that you think it (and by extension he) is ugly and terrible and awful. |