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Anonymous
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op, i have a similar situation. my dd is a very difficult child and by difficult i mean aggressive, demanding, hypersensitive, unrelentingly negative, prone to anger, oppositional, defiant, inconsolable and occaisonally physically violent.
she is my only and often times i feel like i don't like her. and sometimes i dread spending long stretches of time with her because only brief patches are ever pleasant. i am sure i will be flamed, but then again, the critics just don't know what this situation is like. for me, it is just devestating. i've given everything to this child, emotionally and otherwise, and she is just miserable all the time. sometimes, the only thing that helps me through is just repeating to myself, over and over, that she cannot help it. this is the brain/body/temperament that she was born with and we both have to make the best of it. she's been evaluated many times, btw, and the only diagnosis i have is "probable ADHD." i don't know if we are eventually going to get a psychiatric diagnosis or what, but she is only 4 now. |
Anonymous
| PP, get some help for yourself. You need a professional to help you manage this difficult situation. |
Anonymous
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(((hugs))) to OP for admitting her dark feelings and wanting to work to improve the dynamics of her family.
I say this from the position of being the -child- you are talking about. I was the moody, dark, difficult, oppositional kid that my parents loved, but didn't like as much -- in overt ways. My sunny and successful siblings were better all around kids and my mom especially made that known. |
Anonymous
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OP and the other PPs who have posted --
I'm not sure what exactly the problems are with your children, but if it can at all be descibed as "Chronically Inflexible/Exposive Behavior" I want to recommend you check out http://www.thinkkids.org and also this thread where I listed some of the ideas behind dealing with "Explosive Kids". http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/33059.page#213058 (scroll down to the bottom/last post.) |
Anonymous
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toxic pps: what's your problem?
Is it so hard to accept the fact that YES, some children are EASIER to love than others. Some children are just plain EASIER than others. My son is much easier to love than my daughter. That doesn't necessarily mean I love him more -- love is absolute -- but when we go over to a friend's house as a family and my friend says of my son, "He is just one big hunk of love" -- while saying nothing negative nor positive about my daughter, I get it. You're not a bad parent for talking about it. A good parent will try harder with a difficult child to understand that child's pain and try to help that child be as happy as possible. A bad parent will actively blame (I'm not talking about a DCUM vent) the child, telegraph her feelings, and make it worse. |
Anonymous
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OP and others- this is the most meaningful thread I have read on DCUM in a long time. Thank you. I have two, and my younger is, shall we say, harder to love. I have been struggling with this too. It is a reality I never wanted to experience, but it is what it is.
To OP, I can just say hang in there. You're doing a great job. And you are absolutely not alone. I'm rooting for you. |
Anonymous
| Does he have autism or ADD or ADHD? Or maybe he just needs more attention or one on one time with you and your husband. |
Anonymous
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Get help for yourself first, so you can be the parent you want to be -- download the anger and frustration on the professional and not on your child.
Nancy Hafkin, PhD in Bethesda is excellent. Ditto her partner, Sharon Covington. |
Anonymous
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OP - I am sorry people can be such assholes!
You are perfectly normal in your feelings and the balance you are trying to achieve by acknowledging them and trying to fix them. My 2nd son was a real challenge in many many ways. I often felt like I totally f'ed up the serene family life we had figured out by having him. I love him completely and unconditionally -- but internally I felt guilt and ashamed that he couldn't be like his older brother. TIME & PATIENCE is on your side. He needed more time to mature than his older brother - and he is a wonderful loving caring 1st grader now. I don't know what possessed me to do it a 3rd time (a bottle of cabernet most likely) - but the 3rd is the most easy going kid I know. Get help, Good Luck and be patient!! |
Anonymous
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I just wanted to chime in and say I feel for you OP. My son is mostly wonderful, but there are days when he pushes every button, and I want to scream at him " don't you realize Mommy has postponed her career for you!!!" So I can't even imagine how bad I would get if my son was challenging all the time.
Do get a therapist for yourself. Maybe even ask the one you are taking your child to for names? I have to imagine it is quite common for both child and and parent to be in therapy. Also, can you get more breaks away from the child. I have to imagine the more challenging the child, the more breaks you need to keep your sanity. |
Anonymous
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OP, have you had your child tested for allergies? My DS had tantrums every day until I took him to an allergist and found out he had a severe milk allergy. Took the milk out of his diet, and the tantrums stopped.
Before this, I didn't like him either -- his tantrums were so irrational, and I couldn't figure out why he could be unhappy when he had such a great life. He also had tantrums whenever my house was cleaned. I switched to non-toxic cleaners (basically baking soda and vinegar), and those tantrums stopped too. Best of luck OP. I know exactly how you feel. |
zumbamama
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| I know how you feel too OP. My older 2 were very easy children. The youngest has a very, very short fuse and is extremely sensitive. She gets screaming mad at her socks being crooked or not being able to fit a square peg into a round hole. She gets sassy and difficult at some point everyday...but I have never seen this with my other kids. I love her no less than the other two, but it takes an extreme amount of patience to get her to have a good day. |
Anonymous
| OP - it is good you are seeking help for this. It doesn't sound like your situation, but I was the one considered "difficult" by one of my parents for reasons that aren't really good ones (and some of the reasons you might consider strengths). It isn't a nice way to grow up when a parent chooses to make those feelings clear, or when the parent makes it seem that it is the kid and not the parent who is the source of the trouble. This is an outcome you don't want for your child. You don't want to give the appearance of it either. It is good that you are trying to see yourself clearly, and it would be good to get some help with how to a) cope, b) see your child and yourself clearly, and c) rise to the occasion. |