Anyone else get tired of loving a child who can be hard to love?

[Anonymous]

I LOVE my child, let me say that at the outset, but a lot of times it is not so easy to love him. He is 3.5 now, and he has been a huge handful since the start. He had colic and screamed for hours. He did not want to eat solds. As soon as he could move he would scoot over and hit and bite other kids. We have been kicked out of two Mommy and me classes. He continues to hit others. He is just a negative kid - the other day I said, "What a pretty blue sky." My child screamed, "That IS NOT BLUE and I hate it." We have taken him to psychologists and had behaviorists and followed all their guidance. We are consistent and strict, but it is just who he is. He can be positive and sunny at moments, but that is not the theme. I have watched other children and am AMAZED at how sunny and easygoing they are and how much easier it is to discipline them. I am just tired and would love to hear from anyone who feels like this.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if you're religious but one of the lots of great thigs Jesus said sounds like this:

What's the greatness of loving who loves you back and treats you well?

Love your Enemy.

Your child is far from being your enemy but he DOES need your help and love.
If he is in your arms means that it's YOUR job to care for him and nobody ever said it would be easy.

The pay for your hard work will come. not too soon, not too late but at the right time.

My mom still suffers from my brother's bad behavior.
sounds like your DS... he started early, hurting her nipples during BF, my mom couldn't BF because of the blood. He wanted just HER lap, he hit people, friends at school... now he's 23 and he's still the same.

on the brigther side she learned A LOT from it and it made her a better person.
She learned to tolerate others, she learned to be less selfish, she learned to watch for other's needs... and the list goes on...

We don't expect a change in his behavior but she says that she doesn't love him less for being who he is but having him and learning to accept what she couldn't change taught her to see life from a different prospective. and now a days she's HAPPIER!

[Anonymous]

Have you tried reading any parenting books? There have been a few I was told to read by other DCUMs that helped.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say that I feel for you and hang in there. Maybe keep trying to find a psychologist that can be of more help. Does your ped have recs?

[Anonymous]

I'm in the same boat with one of my two children. I wish there was a support group for people like us.

If I didn't have my second child, I'd think it was my poor parenting that was to blame. But some kids are just more difficult - sensitive- -touchy - hard to self soothe -- than others.

My second child is a delight to be around, is easy-going, sweet, adaptable.

My first child sucks all my energy and then some.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. We have a child like yours in the family, and it is draining on everyone.

Know that the good parenting you do still matters - perhaps moreso because your son is so much harder.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I have one twin with an easy going "sunny" personality and one that tends to be very opinionated and difficult to please. It was amazing how they had these very distinct personalities almost from birth.
I love them both equally but at times, one is much easier for me to like. Funny (and good thing) is that my husband seems to have a stronger connection with the more spirited twin.

I'm putting kids to bed now so don't have time to write more but I did want to say that I know very well what you are experiencing.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here for a family with such issue.
girl, 9yo SUCKS
boy, 5you SUNSHINE

she makes the mother cry, thinks she's better than anybody else, has no friends, shows no appreciation for any effort we make to please her. she doesn't like to be touched.

the boy is all hugs and kisses. he's adorable!!! says ALL the magic words no matter what. shows appreciation for every single thing we do to him.

and we all love them both.

one completes the other. and that's what make us FAMILY.

if it was all perfect it wouldn't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here for a family with such issue.
girl, 9yo SUCKS


I thought that this was not very nice - how would you like it if someone told you that you sucked? I think that is a horrible way to describe someone you care for.

[Anonymous]

what?
you want to say what?
she looks at me and says YOU CAME FROM THE JUNGLE RIGHT?
she introduces me to her frieds like this THIS IS MY SLAVE, MY MOTHER BOUGHT HER FROM SOUTH AMERICA FOR VERY CHEAP...
you want me to say she's pleasant?
SHE SUCKS but I love her and I'm still with this family because they don't agree with her behavior and we all want her to be a pleasant and succesfull individual.

[Anonymous]

The therapists/psychologists said nothing about Oppositional Defiance Disorder?
http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/children_with_oppositional_defiant_disorder

My friend's child was diagnosed with it. It is very difficult to deal with, but there are ways of handling children who are suffering. Do more research on psychiatrists who may be able to help.

Characteristics:
* frequent temper tantrums
* excessive arguing with adults
* active defiance and refusal to comply with adult requests and rules
* deliberate attempts to annoy or upset people
* blaming others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
* often being touchy or easily annoyed by others
* frequent anger and resentment
* mean and hateful talking when upset
* seeking revenge

[Anonymous]

I don't think a child that behaves like this "suffers".
They are pleased to see the sadness and frustration on the adult.
It really hurts the parents/caregivers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a child that behaves like this "suffers".
They are pleased to see the sadness and frustration on the adult.
It really hurts the parents/caregivers.

Are you kidding me? Of course the child is suffering. S/he is a child! Do you think children want to be cruel? Do you think they want to constantly be involved in negative situations? As adults, we have to be the bigger person and acknowledge that children react in this manner because something is wrong - whether the cause is something physical, mental or emotional.

[Anonymous]

yes they fell happy when they hurt the adult or other person.

the girl that I watch laughs when she makes her mom cry.
she makes fun of her brother's body because she knows it hurts him and she laughs when she gets him to cry.

he tries to hide but she pushes it so far she won't stop until she hear him crying locked in his room.

she manipulates people. she says I drive better than her mom when I'm driving the family.

[Anonymous]

OP, here is something I have posted a time or two on this forum when the topic of "difficult" children comes up.

I have found the book "The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children" *Ross Green) to be of great value in dealing with my child, who at times could be considered Oppositional/Defiant to the extreme.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/006077939X/bookstorenow57-20


A website devoted to introducing the concepts of "Collaborative Problem Solving", as explained in more detail in the book, is here:

http://www.thinkkids.org

The section specifically for parents is:

http://www.thinkkids.org/parents

a sample quote:

We think challenging kids lack important thinking skills. Researchers have learned a lot about children’s brains over the last 30 years, and a lot of that research suggests that challenging kids came up on the short end of the stick when it comes to certain skills…for example, flexibility, frustration tolerance, and problem solving (and a bunch more). So in the same way that kids who have trouble reading lack skills related to reading, kids who are challenging lack skills related to handling life’s social, emotional, and behavioral challenges. That’s why your child is crying, sulking, withdrawing, screaming, swearing, spitting, hitting, destroying property, and all the other things challenging kids do when they don’t have the skills to do any better.

Now, this is a very different perspective for a lot of folks. In fact, some of the books you’ve read…and TV shows you’ve watched…and mental health professionals you’ve consulted…might have convinced you that your child isn’t motivated to behave adaptively, simply “knows what buttons to push,” is manipulating you, is testing your limits, and is seeking attention. You may also have become convinced that your child’s difficulties are the result of your poor parenting, and that the best way to fix that problem is to teach your child who’s the boss and give him or her the incentive – through sticker charts, time-outs, and other rewards and punishments – to behave more adaptively.

Don’t believe it. At Think:Kids, we know if your child could do well, he or she would do well. We know that poor parenting isn’t why most challenging kids are challenging. And we know that reward and punishment programs don’t teach challenging kids the skills they lack and often don’t durably get the job done.

additional resources are:

http://www.explosivekids.org

(with a discussion forum)

http://www.ccps.info

(Center for Collaborative Problem Solving)

and locally, Dr. Neal Horen at Georgetown uses CPS among other approaches with his clients.

http://gucchd.georgetown.edu/programs/hoya_clinic/index.html

Good Luck!