I need some help

[Anonymous]

I am really emotional about some issues going on with my child. I cannot handle his/her behavior, nor my own. To an anonymous board, I feel like my DC is ruining my life and our marriage. I have other children and they are terrific. This child is such an emotional drain. I feel resentful that we have a very good life. We are kind, moral, involved parents. We are financially secure. Our children have the childhood I would have dreamed of. I feel so angry at my DC for not recognizing what he/she has and for being such a negative force in our family. I realize I have issues here. I was raised in a dysfunctional family and have done everything I know how to do to make my life and family "functional" and happy. There are times I want to swoop up my "happy" children and just leave. This is not the mother I want to be. Nor is it the mother my DC deserves. I am so confused, ashamed, scared, and angry.

I have just started some work (i.e. professional help) for my DC, but I need my own person to talk to, Recommendations? I live in Bethesda. Thanks. I may also need a pep talk of sorts for those so inclined.

BTW: if you were to meet me, you would think I was a totally put together up beat person. Just to remind all of us that we never know what life is really like for someone.

[Anonymous]

You have a lot of issues and it's good you are getting professional help. Your expectations of your child are not fair. Knock it off.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the pp. I don't have any suggestions for you, but I hope you are able to find the help you need. I can only imagine your many emotions and I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a lot of issues and it's good you are getting professional help. Your expectations of your child are not fair. Knock it off.

Why do people like this post? Just to inject their poison into everything, I guess.

OP, you have a lot going on. I think you're looking for someone to tell you it's okay to feel this way. In some ways, I guess it's normal to feel this way -- everyone has resentments. I don't know what age your child is, or what frustrations are compelling you to write this story, so I can't really reassure you. I can also say that the PP does not have enough information to say you have unfair expectations (did I miss the part where you spelled them all out or is she objecting to you wanting DC to realize that he/she has it good?) so she doesn't have enough information to castigate you.

I do agree that it is good that you're getting some help. I hope you will also talk to your husband about this and include him in the help. My own parents have been torn apart for years over the heroin addiction of their middle child (my brother). My father feels it is time to throw him out for his own good and also for the good of the entire family and my stepmother feels that her child is her child is her child and that she will never "give up on him." They both love him and are doing their best not to turn their anger and resentments toward one another, or blame one another instead of working together toward a solution, but it's not easy.

I don't know if your child's problems are approaching a crisis level like this or more mundane (I hope so) but my brother's situation underscores how important it is for both parents to be in constant communication. If part of your frustration is that you and your DH have different outlooks or philosophies on how to handle this child, then DH needs to be involved in whatever counseling you receive. It wouldn't hurt to include him even if he is supportive -- your husband (hopefully) is your rock throughout life and you for him. I know that many times it doesn't work out to be that way, but you seem to speak so positively about your life otherwise, that I am hoping this is the case for you.

Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps the professional help will finally make some progressive for DC.

Don't you think DC is frustrated by the situation too? - although you don't say the age of the child so I am not sure if reasoning/comprehension of family dynamics is possible for him/her.

Your feelings to abandon the trouble child (and swoop up the happy ones as you state above) is human nature. Nobody likes challenges or wants to sacrifice time and effort to tend to a needy one.

Is there a support group for your child's condition where you can vent and commiserate with other parents? Does the professional help person have any suggestions on how to cope?

There is probably something on meetup or else where on the internet - I don't think there is anything that the internet doesn't have.

[Anonymous]

OP, glad to hear from you. Do get help for yourself! A trained therapist can help you figure out coping strategies and perhaps understand ways you may be contributing to the situation and help you change.

Of course this is not the mother you want to be! Just recognize that you were raised in a dysfunctional family and you were not equipped to enter parenthood with all the answers (just like me, btw). But what struck me about your post is that even though you want to run away with the "happy children" that you still want to be a good mother to the one who is driving you crazy. You're a good person. Hang in there!

But, also, realize that if there is some kind of problem going on in your family, the troubled dc may only be the most obvious manifestation. You must find out whether your "happy" kids are just playing happy on the surface. I mention this because my sister appeared to be successful and happy in her adolescence while my brother and I screwed up royally. But the truth was that she was desperately unhappy but better at hiding it and so she didn't get the same amount of attention (and help) that her drama queen siblings got.

Hang in there, OP. My thoughts are with you!

I'm not saying that that is what is going on with your family. Just saying to beware assuming that the problems your dc is experiencing aren't being felt at some level by the other kids.

[Anonymous]

give your troubled child away for adoption.

[Anonymous]

Curious-are the other kids in your family a different sex? If that would be the case might you not feel close to this particular gender child? I am asking as I do hear some friends say it's easier with a girl or boy depending on their wants. If this is the case, definitely talk to a therapist on tactics how to deal with this. For what it's worth-I am constantly hearing my one friend talk about how easy her little girl and how dificult her boy is. I finally confronted her about it because the little boy was fine in my eyes and I thought her obession that he was bad was rooted in a fear that he would turn out like her brother..who is a hearbreak (too long to go into on email). She is working on developing a closeness with this child and has sought professional help.

Good luck to you!

[Anonymous]

OP, please IGNORE the toxic PP's. I think they're starting trouble on a few posts tonight so it has nothing to do with you.

Please be gentle with yourself. I imagine your situation is very, very difficult and challenges you to no end. You're human and you have your own history and vulnerabilities, as we all do. I think what you're feeling is very understandable and I also think that you're not actually going to run away and abandon your DC. It's good you're seeking a therapist for yourself because it will help you sort through your pain as it relates to your difficult childhood and everything this current situation with your DC brings up. I feel like my own unresolved childhood stuff has come up so much since becoming a parent... it's so darn hard. I like the idea of a support group... I think you'll find that you're not alone in all of these feelings, from the anger to the guilt. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Fire her immediately.

[Anonymous]

Wonderful though somewhat expensive is Dr. Patricia Siraganian in Friendship Heights. [phone]

[Anonymous]

OP Here. Thank you so much to the kind responders. Has really helped and I am always struck by people willing to take time to write to someone they do not know.

Does anyone know of some resources for finding a support /therapy group run by a professional? This sounds like it may be a helpful step. Thanks again to everyone.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm reading your thread to see what suggestions others have b/c I'm in a similar situation. My middle DC is such a pill. By the end of the day, I'm worn out be her negativity. My other two kids are completely unlike her; happy and positive cheerful kids. I've thought about therapy to get to the root of why I can't warm up and just enjoy her, like the other two. Maybe it would take a family session or two for the counselor to see what our dynamics are like. I know she must hate us locking horns all the time too...

You're not the only one - - hoping for some good advice.

[Anonymous]

Hey, OP. It's hard and brave of you to reach out here. I'm not even reading the previous commments.
I think you are on the right track with recognizing the need for help and seeking it out. One thing someone told me once that was very smart was that sometimes when we feel totally resentful because our kids act like they have no idea how good they have it, it's because we've done our jobs well and they feel very secure in their world. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Check out The Women's Center: http://www.thewomenscenter.org/