Seeing a relationship you envy

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[Post New]12/22/2014 22:15
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Anonymous
I was recently out on a christmas party with people from work and met a couple that I became desperately envious of. I wouldn't say that had it all, so to speak, but what they did have was a wife who was very good to her husband. Understanding, kind, loving, respectful. Qualities that I wish I had in my marriage. That is not to say that it is always bad, but I wouldn't say those qualities I mentioned are always things my wife puts forth as things of super high priority. Before you bag on me, those were qualities I have actually told her that I would like to have in our marriage, and I work on those each and every day. Even my wife admits that she is less than nice while I am super good to her. Is there any way to bring this up to her without naming the couple? Advice welcomed, thank you in advance, but I also expect to get flamed since it is clear that I am guy here, and women have tended to side with women in general from what I have gathered here.
[Post New]12/22/2014 22:19
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Incognita
Member Offline
You should talk to your wife. Try to explain the qualities and what they mean, perhaps by examples of what you saw in this other wife. But it's completely unnecessary for you to name the couple or the woman. That could end badly. Wife may think you are just admiring that woman. Make it a point with scenarios, that showcase the type of attitude you're after. "If X happened I would appreciate you responding in Y matter, that makes me feel like Z, and that you think bla bla bla of me" you get the point. Don't name the couple!
[Post New]12/22/2014 22:23
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Anonymous
I think that naming the COUPLE (not the individual woman) may be okay. Let DW know that's the type of RELATIONSHIP you hope to have. Maybe she's never seen it modeled before and now you have it.
[Post New]12/22/2014 22:26
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I think that naming the COUPLE (not the individual woman) may be okay. Let DW know that's the type of RELATIONSHIP you hope to have. Maybe she's never seen it modeled before and now you have it.


Bad advice. This would piss me off to no end. And no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.
[Post New]12/22/2014 22:27
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think that naming the COUPLE (not the individual woman) may be okay. Let DW know that's the type of RELATIONSHIP you hope to have. Maybe she's never seen it modeled before and now you have it.


Bad advice. This would piss me off to no end. And no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.


+1
[Post New]12/22/2014 22:27
quote
Anonymous
Incognita wrote:You should talk to your wife. Try to explain the qualities and what they mean, perhaps by examples of what you saw in this other wife. But it's completely unnecessary for you to name the couple or the woman. That could end badly. Wife may think you are just admiring that woman. Make it a point with scenarios, that showcase the type of attitude you're after. "If X happened I would appreciate you responding in Y matter, that makes me feel like Z, and that you think bla bla bla of me" you get the point. Don't name the couple!


OP here. I think you are right. Best not to name the couple. After all, I could always mention it later if need be, BUT once done, it is done.

Thanks for the insight.
[Post New]12/22/2014 22:32
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Incognita
Member Offline
No problem. Make sure you make this convo stick though, you shouldn't have to have this talk many times. Change is hard, but if the motivation is there you should get results
[Post New]12/22/2014 22:46
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Anonymous
Outside looking in is never what it seems. People have their public face. private face and they are never the same.
[Post New]12/23/2014 00:06
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Anonymous
Can you name a tv couple that has the relationship you desire? Or a famous real married couple?

22:46 while this is true, my private face is very, very close to my public one. the only difference is that I curse in private and my jokes are a little dirtier. But I'm definitely just as kind to DH in public and in private.
[Post New]12/23/2014 00:58
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Anonymous
OP, you sound like one of those 13 year old twihards who was obsessed with Robsten, or one of those people who read is weekly and obsess over brangelina. You do realize that relationships are not all they appear on the outside, right?
[Post New]12/23/2014 01:09
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I was recently out on a christmas party with people from work and met a couple that I became desperately envious of. I wouldn't say that had it all, so to speak, but what they did have was a wife who was very good to her husband. Understanding, kind, loving, respectful. Qualities that I wish I had in my marriage. That is not to say that it is always bad, but I wouldn't say those qualities I mentioned are always things my wife puts forth as things of super high priority. Before you bag on me, those were qualities I have actually told her that I would like to have in our marriage, and I work on those each and every day. Even my wife admits that she is less than nice while I am super good to her. Is there any way to bring this up to her without naming the couple? Advice welcomed, thank you in advance, but I also expect to get flamed since it is clear that I am guy here, and women have tended to side with women in general from what I have gathered here.

Maybe that wife is only good to her husband at work Christmas parties?
[Post New]12/23/2014 02:26
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Anonymous
OP, you never really know what goes on behind closed doors.

Looking at relationships from the outside inward, they all look like perfect fairy tales, don't they? And they are probably supposed to as well.

But reality is never a fairy tale so it just doesn't make any sense to envy anyone's relationship since you never know the whole truth of it.

I say whatever issues you have with your wife, you focus on her and deal with them.

Try not to compare your relationship with another couple's relationship because that would be unfair to your wife since you only are a spectator not an actual participant in it.

Good luck.
[Post New]12/23/2014 02:47
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Anonymous
"Even my wife admits that she is less than nice while I am super good to her."

I get suspicious when DH is super good to me. It means he wants something or is guilty about something.
[Post New]12/23/2014 02:49
quote
Anonymous
Incognita wrote:No problem. Make sure you make this convo stick though, you shouldn't have to have this talk many times. Change is hard, but if the motivation is there you should get results


This guy sounds like a wuss, so what is the wife's motivation to change
[Post New]12/23/2014 05:02
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Incognita wrote:No problem. Make sure you make this convo stick though, you shouldn't have to have this talk many times. Change is hard, but if the motivation is there you should get results


This guy sounds like a wuss, so what is the wife's motivation to change


Why do people always talk about relationships and marriage like there's this game of alph/beta shit. If my DH was super good to me and I realize i'm being shit, my motivation to change would be that I'm married to guy, presumably for love, so I will change. He doesn't have to be a dick to me for me to change. Sometimes people are mean to people they love because they're so afraid of abandonment and being dumped, so they put on this tough exterior. We have no idea if he is a wuss, or what their real dynamics are.

OP, if your wife was always unkind to you, that is your problem. You shouldn't have married her. If you don't have kids, maybe ending this relationship would work.

If she's changed, I'd figure out why and I would communicate needing otherwise.

Nothing ever happens in a vacuum.
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