Painful Breakup - how to cope

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[Post New]11/10/2014 22:23
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't get it. If you have a "custody situation," then you DO have a family (which you say here you want.) I get the feeling that you've left out some important details. Maybe you weren't completely upfront with him either?

In any case, the fact that he would not discuss this with you at all over the last three months is not a good sign, and should have been heeded as such. Obviously, he was mulling it over in his own mind -- possibly for the entire three months -- and he decided that he couldn't or didn't want to cope with it.


I don't have and never had a true family even though I have a child. I was in an abusive relationship that continues to pay in spades, clearly.


YOU AND YOUR CHILD ARE A FAMILY!!! Please do not dismiss your child - your responsibility - in this way. Perhaps you should focus more on that and less on dating, at least for the time being.


Yes we are a family, but it does not feel like a complete family for many reasons.
[Post New]11/10/2014 22:30
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I had a reallly painful breakup after 4 months of dating. Really felt crushed. Loss of the potential and also really liked him. It's a year now and it's better but I still wince when I think of him. You never really get a full explanation. He told me he wasn't ready for a relationship...but then he started to date someone else.


I'm glad to not be alone. I hope I don't think of him fondly, though!
[Post New]11/11/2014 04:11
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Anonymous
Breaking up is never easy OP, but if there is a silver lining here, be thankful that it was only three months of dating here. While I am sure you have strong feelings for him, that really is not a very long time + the healing process shouldn't take too long.

However, this is not to discount your pain.

Breaking up w/someone should be treated as any loss. You must take the time to properly grieve. There are no short-cuts so do not try to find any. If you do, you will only prolong the agony tenfold. Let yourself fully grieve, feel the pain in its entirety. This will let you heal fully and normally.

During this time, do not make any effort to contact this man. While the temptation will be very strong to reach out to him, DO NOT even call him!! Doing so will take you back 10 steps in your recovery and you will only live to regret it I promise you.

Remember, getting over someone is not necessarily a progressive process. Meaning you will have times where you think you have made it through some major hurdle and are finally over him, then suddenly you will have a bad day when you may just break down and cry all day just thinking of something you both did together, etc. This is 100% completely normal and is to be expected.

I wish you only the best in your healing process and stay strong, keep the faith and always remain positive.

#thebestisyettocome
[Post New]11/11/2014 05:10
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't get it. If you have a "custody situation," then you DO have a family (which you say here you want.) I get the feeling that you've left out some important details. Maybe you weren't completely upfront with him either?

In any case, the fact that he would not discuss this with you at all over the last three months is not a good sign, and should have been heeded as such. Obviously, he was mulling it over in his own mind -- possibly for the entire three months -- and he decided that he couldn't or didn't want to cope with it.


I don't have and never had a true family even though I have a child. I was in an abusive relationship that continues to pay in spades, clearly.


YOU AND YOUR CHILD ARE A FAMILY!!! Please do not dismiss your child - your responsibility - in this way. Perhaps you should focus more on that and less on dating, at least for the time being.


Yes we are a family, but it does not feel like a complete family for many reasons.


Please don't look for a man to complete your family when you feel a piece is missing like this. My brother is doing that now and latched onto a psycho crazy bitch who's out to destroy his young kids. This kind of thinking puts you in an extremely vulnerable place. You child needs you as his/her stable rock.
[Post New]11/11/2014 06:44
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:

I'm a guy, but I can relate. I have been both the dumper and the dumpee. The last time I was really 'crushed' it was in a 1.5 year relationship. It didn't even fully hit me for almost a month, and then the shock wore off and I kind of fell apart for a bit. Random crying - full on sobbing, the dry-heave kind, and insomnia, etc. It was bad. That went on for 6-8 weeks.


Me-fucking-ow. Jesus Christ, get it together.


Aren't you sweet? I'm now quite happily married to someone else - someone substantially better, in every way. The best is definitely yet to come for the OP.
[Post New]11/11/2014 07:47
quote
MikeL
Member Offline
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't get it. If you have a "custody situation," then you DO have a family (which you say here you want.) I get the feeling that you've left out some important details. Maybe you weren't completely upfront with him either?

In any case, the fact that he would not discuss this with you at all over the last three months is not a good sign, and should have been heeded as such. Obviously, he was mulling it over in his own mind -- possibly for the entire three months -- and he decided that he couldn't or didn't want to cope with it.


I don't have and never had a true family even though I have a child. I was in an abusive relationship that continues to pay in spades, clearly.


YOU AND YOUR CHILD ARE A FAMILY!!! Please do not dismiss your child - your responsibility - in this way. Perhaps you should focus more on that and less on dating, at least for the time being.


Yes we are a family, but it does not feel like a complete family for many reasons.


Please don't look for a man to complete your family when you feel a piece is missing like this. My brother is doing that now and latched onto a psycho crazy bitch who's out to destroy his young kids. This kind of thinking puts you in an extremely vulnerable place. You child needs you as his/her stable rock.

This is very good advice here.
The most important thing you can do right now is to raise your kid.
[Post New]11/11/2014 08:50
quote
Anonymous
It helped me to focus on the fact that I wasn't really mourning the loss of the relationship (3 months is a short time), but that I was mourning the loss of my hopes and dreams. Once in a good relationship, I thought about the possibilities for a happy future, etc. It was the loss of those dreams that was crushing. However, the end of ONE relationship doesn't actually mean that you will never find the right guy. It just means that the one guy wasn't the right one for you.

Keep on looking. It sounds like he was unwilling to step into a situation where he would be a step-parent. That is not unusual. Many people find that they don't want the added pressure of being involved with someone with significant ties to a prior (and especially abusive) relationship. There are good guys out there that will step up to that challenge. Just be patient.

Focus on you and your needs. What else can you do to find fulfillment in your life? When you take care of yourself and your family (your child), you may find it easier to find someone to join you.
[Post New]11/11/2014 09:37
quote
Anonymous
Please think about what you are modeling for your child: Mom can't be happy unless she has a man. Our family isn't complete unless Mom has a man. It isn't enough to be just you and me.

As for the failed relationship...don't invite drama. Crying in your car every morning after the end of a three month relationship? Talking the ear off of your mom and girlfriends about it? This sounds like wasted energy that could be redirected into something more productive.
[Post New]11/11/2014 10:11
quote
Anonymous
As someone who has been the dumper and dumpee, I would say don't pester him for his reasons. He has given you a pretty good reason - if he has to be transferred around, and you can't move with him due to your custody arrangement, I can see how that can't work. Maybe it's not the only reason, but it's enough and I can't see how it would help you to know more - a good relationship is one that works for both people.

I think you have to have patience, and be even more selective in whom you date - you two had a pretty obvious conflict from the beginning, which you blew off because of your (understandable) desire to be attached.
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