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Dad in need of advice on Mommy Burn Out
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Anonymous
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My wife, a stay at home Mom for two (3 & 1), is completely burnt-out. Not only do I understand - as there can't possibly be a more challenging job - both mentally and physically - but I'm surprised it has not happened sooner. That being said, we've been making adjustments in order to cure the recent state of affairs. We have a babysitter watch the 1 Year Old a few mornings a week - allowing a bit more freedom for Mom and the 3 Year Old. Mom is about to stop breastfeeding - which will also increase her freedom - but a few more weeks to go on that front. The same babysitter now comes once a weekend so that we can have a date-night - that has helped - we can actually have adult conversations. I put the littles to bed 4-5 nights a week lately - which allows Mom the freedom to get out of the house (e.g. gym, quiet meal, shopping) at a reasonable hour. All that being said, I'm not certain that is enough.
I guess my question is - is this burn-out common. Is it a passing phase - perhaps based on age of children? Ay tips would be appreciated! |
Anonymous
| I am the mother to a 1 and 3 yr old and I think the burn out is very common. it is exhausting! All the things you are doing are really wonderful as is the fact you are even posting this concern. I was def. relieved once I stopped nursing the youngest. Preschool for the oldest helps too. It is so hard to take 2 kids anywhere and get to appreciate them when you are busy trying to hold it together. My one suggestion is to really push your wife to go out when you are putting the kids to bed. it is hard at the end of the day but always feels worth it in the end! |
zumbamama
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| You sound like an awesome Dad! It also sounds like you are doing A LOT already to counter the situation. I think the burnout could pass when she stops the breastfeeding, and more so as the kids grow and are able to do more for themselves. Maybe a warm, sunny vacation from the cold could help put her in a better state of mind? Even if you go with the kids, a change of scenery can do wonders for the spirit. |
Anonymous
| I found part-time work was a necessity to keep me sane. And part-time preschool for the 3yo would be good all around. |
Anonymous
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Have you thought about putting the 3 yr old into a part-time preschool program - for a couple of mornings a week? That might give mom at least one morning where she is without any children at all. Or maybe you can encourage her to take a class (yoga, art, kickboxing, etc) or something that she does once a week - something that is just about her.
I also agree with the other PP's that you are a very nice husband to be helping out and looking out for your wife. I think your supportive attitude is the best thing! I'd love it if my husband had that attitude, even if he couldn't help out much. |
Anonymous
| You do a lot! If there is still a feeling of burnout then there maybe a medical issue. I developed post partum thyroid issues that caused me to feel like I had nothing left to give. |
Anonymous
| You rock as a husband and father. I would suggest she get together with FRIENDS!!! Friends are the balm on the soul of a mother... |
Anonymous
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What a good husband you are! Rock on.
Your wife could probably use 1) time with some of her other friends, such as through play dates with another parent who has kids of a similar age, 2) A full physical to test thyroid function, blood count (anemia), 3) A course or group activity-- pottery studio, book club, language course-- that both puts her in a room with other adults who aren't focusing on kids and that gives her something to learn and accomplish outside of her motherly responsibilities, and a sense that she is growing and developing and has something to show for it. Even a couple of hours per week, an activity like this can really liberate a person from the tunnel vision that you can get when your life becomes so focused on the family responsibilities. If you can possibly manage it in these financial times and with kids so young, a change of scenery might help. Would it be possible to have a relative stay with the kids while you two take a night at a B&B? You are on the right track with what you're doing and because you're asking people for help in supporting your wife. She is very lucky. PS: Sex is a pretty great burnout antidote. |
Anonymous
| Yes, you are doing all the right things but don't let it go to your head. Can you encourage her to stop breastfeeding now? Also, I do think the age is part of it as well. Good luck. |
Anonymous
You, sir, are a doll! And I wish science could clone you for women everywhere! BTW - I can't imagine that there's anything else you need to do for your wife. Just keep in mind that with wean comes a hormonal dip, which may cause a bit of depression. So wean gradually. |
Anonymous
PP, here - I meant WEANING! |
Anonymous
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Thanks to all for the quick responses - does anyone have additional info on the thyroid issue?
Also - I suggested (gently) to Mom that perhaps she could wean the youngest a bit prior to a year. If she did so, she could actually go on a short getaway for some real alone time. As she breastfed the 3 Year Old an entire year - she feels as if she'd be shorting the youngest. As I will probably never understand the guilt that would be associated with such a decision - I did not press the issue. Mom has made the sacrifice for almost a year - so it's really her decision. That being said, it certainly would increase her freedom to rejuvenate. The 3 Year Old will be going to pre-school this Fall - which should improve the scenario - but that is a long time away. To the poster that noted it's hard to enjoy when you are just trying to hold it together when getting out with two - that is spot on. I have to think that this is a common feeling amongst parents with 2 or more (I can't imagine 3+) - but I sense that Mom sometimes feels she is the only one in such a scenario. The bottom line is that Mom is world class - but she's also a perfectionist that focuses on the rare time she cracks - when the Groundhog Day routine becomes unbearable. She often compares how much time we spent reading to the 3 Year-Old versus how much time we spend doing such with the youngest. I note that while there may be a bit less direct interaction with the youngest - he has the benefit of learning from the 3 Year-Old. Again, I'm guessing this is a common theme amongst stay at home Moms and Dads - but Mom never has the opportunity to hear she's not alone. Thanks again for the forum - it's very helpful! |
Anonymous
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I also have a 3 & 1 year old. I breastfeed the first for just over a year and the second for 10 months. I felt bad about finishing earlier with the second, but in actual fact, he was much heavier than the first. So I justified it in my mind because I actually breastfed him to a bigger weight! Could that be the case for yours? Might make your wife feel better.
On the 'equal time' thing, I've just started reading "Siblings without Rivalry" and noticed that they talk about equality not necessarily meaning equal time. I haven't read much, but it might make her feel better about comparing the two kids. Good luck. The first year of 2 kids was very tough. At 1 & 1/2 and 3 & 1/2, things are already a lot easier. |
Anonymous
| You sound like a great husband and father! Is there any way the granparents could watch the kids so the 2 of you could get away even just go to a local B&B or hotel? |
Anonymous
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ok, you are one sensitive husband..she's lucky you are taking the time to figure out how to help her.
I'm a mom of a 3.5yo and 10 month old and this is by far the hardest stage of parenting yet. Baby can crawl and almost walk and is now into the big guys toys-sibling issues are very present. If it makes you feel better, my second child is getting a very different mom than my first had. BAby #1 i would part the seas to ensure he's getting naps, 5 books a day, long walks in the park, etc. With baby #2 he often naps in the car on my way to errands or big brothers preschool, rarely read to him, and he has more chaos in his world as he watches big brother steal the show a lot...and he's not held as much as baby #1 was. I choose not to dwell on these differences b/c these are 2 different human beings, with different temperments, and a different birth order...it is impossible to parent 2 kids the same way no matter what. Baby #2 has so much joy in his life just watching his big brother, learning from him, trying things out, lots of action, and another person to love him..not a bad deal. Help your wife with the mantra "there is no such thing as perfect parenting"...our kids humble us, they teach us about ourselves, they are resilient. They need a happy and balanced mom, who's fun. Better to laugh and snuggle and have a messy house or chicken nuggets for dinner 3 nights in a row than to have things "perfect" which could turn out to be "perfectly miserable" for all! `Another tip, compliment your wife a LOT! Having 2 makes you feel very much like you are giving up your entire self to care for others...when she goes out with girls or on her own, tell her she looks hot, engage her in non parenting topics, politics, hobbies, etc...and plan a fun vacation.. your wife is not alone, we all get our butt kicked with 2 little ones..but she is unique in having a husband who seriously gets it and wants to help make this easier for her. She's a lucky lady be |