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Dad in need of advice on Mommy Burn Out
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Anonymous
| You sound like a great husband and the steps you are taking are right on. I didn't feel like a human until I stopped breastfeeding at 14 months (nothing against longer BFing, that was just my feeling about it). That will make a huge difference for you wife and she'll pull through. |
Anonymous
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Not sure if anyone mentioned this before - get takeout a couple of nights during the week so she doesn't have to cook...even if it's for just three or four weeks.
Ask if you can sign her up for yoga classes as they are wonderful for stress relief. Let her sleep in some weekend mornings and bring her breakfast in bed once in a while... This morning I woke up to a scratchy throat and aches and pains and my husband, who usually is out of the house before I even wake up, brought me breakfast in bed. It was simple - bagel w cream cheese, slices of canteloupe, and hot tea. I'll remember this forever because I felt awful when I woke up and was wondering how on earth I would ever get our young son ready for preschool. This helped so much. Take older child out for a couple of hours, for maybe lunch and playarea. It will give her a break from having to watch both kids. You do sound like a very considerate husband and I am sure she will doubly appreciate all your effort. |
Anonymous
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The way your wife felt is exactly the way I felt 2 years ago - my boys are now 4 1/2 and 6 1/2, but when they were about 2 and 4 years old, I had a really difficult time. I was always exhausted because I was trying to do too much. My husband, to be truthful, didn't help at all and I was doing everything by myself. My husband was coming home late every night, and at the time I was a stay-at-home mom, so I was with the kids from early morning until I finally put them to bed. Only then would I start working on the tasks I didn't get done during the day - cleaning up, washing dishes, maybe getting on the computer, paying bills. Often during those days I didn't find the time to eat, and by 9:00 p.m. I was actually too exhausted to think about food, so often went to bed around 11:00 - hungry.
That whole phase was a really hard time for me, because I thought that I had to do everything, and that the main thing was to be a "perfect mom" which including tending to all of my kids' needs without thinking about my own (as in putting off eating because they always needed something, and when they were done eating I would go back to entertaining them instead of feeding myself or even clearing the table). Anyway, what I did about it is a whole other story, the hardest part was that my husband was insensitive to my needs and, during the week, didn't pitch in much. Probably because he saw that I "was doing it all" (or appeared to be). Now that the kids are 4 and 6, things are much better, they play with each other more and can entertain themselves. Also, shortly after that, I went back to work part-time. Even though I felt guilty about not being with my boys, its actually helped me to have other responsibilities, and now (I'm still working part time) I enjoy every second with them, much more than when I was home all the time (even though we tried to get out every day - but even that part was exhausting). There's a lot more I could write, but that could be for another thread. It really is important to prevent burn out. I think what would have saved me at that time (but I didn't do it because I felt guilty - not necessarily because of the $, but because I would be taking time away from my kids) would have been to go to a spa for 2 or 3 days. Really, looking back I wish that is what I had done! (PS I also nursed my youngest until he was 11 months, was hoping to get to 14 months because that's when his older brother stopped nursing. Can't compare - they are 2 different people, and the parents are also at different stages) That's enough rambling, some day I might start a new post on this to help out moms who feel the same way. I wish I had had someone to share my thoughts with at the time, I think that was mostly what was missing. |
Anonymous
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It gets easier... at least it did for me.
I have two boys who are also just 2 years apart. I think that first year was THE toughest. But by the time the baby was 18 months, the kids started to play together -- and boy did that take a lot off my plate! One other tip I'd share: I know some moms who really hover. All the time. They feel like if they walk out of the room, they're being inattentive. While I recognize that each family has to make judgment calls about what level of supervision is needed for their kids, I am a HUGE fan of leaving my two boys alone. Couldn't always do it. And I'm never far away... but I have friends who literally DO NOT SIT DOWN when they are watching their 1-year olds, because the kids are at that age where they are in to EVERYTHING. I get it, I really do... but if you can't even sit down, or go make yourself some coffee, I think you need to revisit your baby/child-proofing techniques. A suprising number of people I know really can't leave the kids alone, because their houses are still set up for adults. They still have their glass coffee table, CD towers, etc. No wonder they can't sit down! And while I totally understand people's desire not to turn their house into romper room, I think that is an easy way to take a lot of stress off. |
Anonymous
| Thanks again for all the feedback - very helpful! |
Anonymous
| I think OP asked for more info on the thyroid so here is my experience. About 4 months after giving birth and breastfeeding exclusively, I felt I had nothing left. I was always tired, unmotivated and felt sluggish. My doctor did some blood tests and referred me to an endocrinologist (sp?). At that point my thyroid was overperforming wich made me loose weight very fast despite not changing my eating habits from when I was pregnant. She told me that this condition was caused by the preganancy and usually will move into the other direction, i.e. the thyroid underperforms, before it usually evens out. That happend and about three months later I started gaining weight. Because she had told me that this can resolve on its own, I decided against medication and just let her observe and test me often. Within 8 months everything was back to normal and has been normal since. |
Anonymous
| OP, some childcare for both kids so your wife has time to herself is probably a good thing too. Date nights are great, but your wife may be longing for some time that's just her own. Otherwise she has to shift focus from kids to husband to kids to husband with no time to focus on HERSELF. This is hard hard hard. So you might want to ask whether she wants a date night once a week or would like an occasional evening to herself or to spend with girlfriends. Good luck to all of you. |
Anonymous
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Please do not underestimate the impact of "mom guilt". For me, it seems as though I am always doing too little. I put the pressure on myself and deal with a lot of guilt if I can't reach my own goals. It drives me and wears me down simultaneously.
Give her compliments and appreciate her efforts. It is a huge help to know someone else notices all the work. |
Anonymous
| We have 2 boys very close "too close" in age, they're in elementary school now. Mom was (& still is) a SAHM once our 2nd son was born. I work normal hours, but don't make a lot of money. The stress (financial, emotional, health, etc,...) has taken a toll on mom and me. One thing I've realize is that we started later, so we don't have the energy as younger parents do. I do dishes, trash, laundry, help kids with homework, etc,... Maybe I'm too nice, but I deal with the kids from after dinner on and much of the weekends. I encourage her to go out with friends, meetings, shopping, etc,... We manage, but it's tough to be honest. It's taken a lot of energy out of us. |
Anonymous
| Thanks again for the ideas, suggestions and information - it's truly appreciated! |
Anonymous
You are not real! You've been sent here as a plant to make all of us frustrated wives and burnt out mommies go home and beat the living shiite out of our husbands. Go away. You don't exist! Either that or you're gay (not a diss but a nod to the anti alpha male is all). If on the off chance you are indeed a real person... can I touch you!!! 
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Anonymous
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I think it is a phase but it can take a little bit of time to feel better.
A listening ear and lot's of help like you are giving her are wonderful medecine. Being intimate and telling her how much you love her and find her attractive are also very good medecine... nothing like feeling desired. Finally, encourage her to do something else than the kids: part-time work, volunteering even a book club... to have some adult conversation or something else than the kids to talk to you about.... |
Anonymous
| On the weekend, each of you have a day to sleep in. In our house, he gets to sleep in Saturday morning and I get to sleep in Sunday morning. It's nice to know I'm guarunteed a morning of rest and relaxation once a week! |
Anonymous
wow, that should really help. I have two, 2 year olds and my husband travels 5 days a week. i now get a b-sitter for 2 hours during a 5 day period (not alot of hours but it's all we can afford right now) and that has helped alot. i think you will be fine! good luck. |
Anonymous
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Last question - and then I'll let this thread die...
If there is one thing - just one - that a Dad could do for a Mom to be supportive in such a scenario - what would it be? |