Can't get past first love
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Anonymous
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I have never fully gotten over my first serious relationship. We were together for 2.5-3 yrs, and broke up when I moved to a different city for law school. I immediately met someone who ultimately became my husband, and I think there is a pretty good possibility that we would have gotten back together if I hadn't. For the first three years or so post breakup, maybe a little longer, we engaged in a pretty substantial emotional affair. Lots of phone sex but no physical contact.
We have had absolutely no contact in the last four years. There was no big fight, I think we both just communicated less with one another and it eventually stopped. I am pretty positive that he hasn't even thought of me in years. Yet. I think of him on a pretty regular basis. Really vivid dreams that lead to me thinking about him in the days that follow, etc. I know this isn't healthy. How do I move on? |
MarriedManHunting
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Member Offline
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When you figure it out, let me know. |
Anonymous
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Why did you break up? Who broke up with whom? What was all that phone sex about? Whose terms was that on?
You can figure out why a deal fell through. The terms don't work for the parties. At first glance this sounds like at least one party wanted to play the field but have fwb backup. I guess him? You were right to move on. |
Anonymous
| I've been pining over my first love for 20 years - dream about him all the time. No one knows. I have a fantasy that one day we'll be old and widowed and get back together. There's nothing to be done about it. You can't control it. I just never contact him because I think there's too much risk. |
Anonymous
+1. |
Anonymous
+1. |
Anonymous
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Ugh, what are you guys, 12?
Stop mooning and enjoy the life you have, or divorce your husband (whom you apparently emotionally cheated on, at the very least) and go back to first love. |
Anonymous
| The grass is always greener, especially when you don't know how your life would be with first love. That said OP, you're obviously not alone. |
Anonymous
PP here. I haven't emotionally cheated -- haven't even had an extended conversation with my first love since I've been married, beyond short congrats on FB for major life milestones he's had. First love appears to be very happily married with his own kids and so is not available. How can you control how you feel about someone? You can't. You can control your actions, which I do. |
Anonymous
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Broke up with my first love 15 years ago because, like you, she moved away to college. We ended on good terms. It took me a while to truly get over the break up even though I was dating a lot of women during the college years.
After college we would stay in touch a few times a year. Usually on our birthdays just to catch up. Also around that time I used to dream about her a lot and that lasted for 5-6 years even though I was in a LTR and had a child. To this day I still have dreams about her once in a while. We have begun speaking more in the last year because I was going through a breakup with DD's mother and my first love had a lot of good advice. Plus she is a good listener. It helped a lot. I always thought my first love was the one that got away. That we just met too early in life and if it were later....we would probably have married. I felt that way up until last year when we started talking more. That is until she started venting about her current LTR and how she was upset about the things her BF did. Things that were really not that big of a deal. She was willing to end her relationship with her BF because he used chewing tobacco when he would golf. Maybe 2-3 times a year. It made me realize that she is not willing to deal with anyone that has some flaws. If you don't quit what she doesn't like you doing, no matter how minor it is, she'll resent you. When she left me for college, she told me: "One day you'll thank me for his". And now I totally understand. If we would have stayed together through college and beyond, i would have missed a lot of experiences I had that made me who I am today. I would have also been in a LTR with someone who wouldn't work with my flaws. She still holds a special place in my heart...but is no longer the one that got away. |
Anonymous
+1 Yes, I still have dreams about him. But if I logically think about how things would've ended up, I know it would not have worked out. My DH is much more compatible with me. I think it's just a "what could've been" thought, a fantasy. Reality is so much more different. Like you said, you cannot control your emotions, what you dream, but my head knows what was best for me even if my heart doesn't. That is not to say I don't love my DH because I really do. I think it's just the "what if" scenario you are playing out. I think it's totally normal. |
Anonymous
OP claimed she had a long emotional affair and lots of phone sex with her first love after "immediately" meeting her future husband. Why would I have been addressing you with that, PP? |
Anonymous
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Imagine he's dead.
Really, what you had it not there anymore - the original relationship (you're kind of a sleaze for that emotional-affair-stuff) does not exist. Most of it is wishful thinking. Count your blessing for the here and now. Grow up |
Anonymous
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First, I think this really in your control. You can use some basic cognitive behavioral therapy, whether with a therapist or on your own, to stop yourself whenever you start thinking about him.
Second, there's probably a 95% chance that he's wrong for you and that you're just focusing on fantasy rather than reality. It took me at least 5 years to get over my first love, and even after than (and after I realized he would have been all wrong fro me), I still would think about him. I still sometimes think about him now, but in a curious way, not in a want to be with him way. Maturing and recognizing his flaws helped me get over him. |
Anonymous
Yes - there's a reason you broke up. Moving away to another city is challenging but can be overcome, and you immediately pursued another relationship. What was really going on? This is just fantasy, OP. |