Dating with medical issues....when to disclose
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Anonymous
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A few months ago, my wife of 15 years left me (I have the house). This was not surprising; two years ago, we were working towards a split, when I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. At that point, it seemed better to stay together, since I was told that I had a 50% chance of surviving one year.
I currently have no evidence of disease, but I am physically limited by the after effects of multiple abdominal surgeries. At what point is it appropriate to mention my medical issues? Clearly, before sex, as the scars will be apparent, but it seems like a buzzkill on the first date. |
Anonymous
At the first serious conversation. This is how dating has worked for me. Go out two or three times, tell jokes, pieces of your life story, etc. Then it always seems the next date you are back at one or another's place and start talking about things like why you got divorced, what you are looking for,.... This is when you come up with something like this and say, "there is something I would like you to know about me.." |
Anonymous
| I like the above answer. |
Anonymous
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If it comes up naturally during conversation even on the first date, I might mention that I had been diagnosed and treated for cancer and currently had no evidence of the disease.
I don't know that I would get into physical limitations or anything too personal - that seems a bit deep for a first date. |
Anonymous
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OP here....I think a hybrid of 09:21 and 09:33 makes sense. If it comes up naturally, mention it. Otherwise, wait until the conversation regarding life occurs.
For me, developing the life threatening condition changed my view of the world. I am become very much into not worrying about little stuff. I have had people comment on it, and I mention I ws not always that way.... |
Anonymous
| I currently have cancer and am dating someone new. I didn't bring it up with him until I found out I needed another surgery, and it came out at a friends house who asked when I had scheduled surgery. I think we had been seeing each other about a month at that point. I tried to just brush off the whole thing and 2 weeks later he asked for more details. I think he had done some googling because he had specific questions. It wasn't a big deal and he's been great tying to be helpful pre and post op. Once you start sharing details of your life, it will come out naturally. If you explain that you were ready to divorce 2 years ago and then found out you were sick, she'll want details. Don't stress about bringing it up on your own. |
Anonymous
This is true, now that I think about it. I have been checked out of the marriage for two years...early, I presume that will come up. She will wonder why I I stayed for the last two years. My rational is the why give the money to lawyers. |
Anonymous
| I have diabetes and don't tell anyone until and unless we are serious. Everyone is so into low carb diets and no sugar, no one really notices. |
Muslima
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| I think you should share before things start getting serious and if you see the relationship going anywhere. I think that would definitely be TMI for a first date |
What's it like being Muslim? Well, it's hard to find a decent halal pizza place and occasionally there is a hashtag calling for your genocide...
Anonymous
Advanced cancer is a bit different than diabetes....I have both, and diabetes is largely a management issue, whereas advanced cancer is a oh shit kind of thing. |
Anonymous
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While you may think it sounds like buzzkill to mention your medical condition on a first date, in my opinion, I think it is only fair for both of you if you do mention it to the other person as early as possible.
Reason being, there are some people that may be able to deal w/it and some people that may not. You will want to weed out those that do not immediately. Good luck to you. |
Anonymous
| I would be upset if I was dating someone for a month and they still hadn't told me about cancer or a life threatening disease. I would probably start to feel attached by then and it would feel like a ton of bricks was just thrown at me. Earlier than later- this isn't a minor thing. |
Anonymous
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The thing you have in your favor is that you are a guy. Women tend to be a lot more supportive of medical/ health issues in their partner than men are, I think. Maybe it's our nurturer/caregiver/mom instinct, I don't know.
I think the first date is too soon, but maybe the 3rd or 4th date, if it looks like this person might be around for awhile, is the time to lay it out there. And yeah, some people will freak out, and that's ok. Any kind of baggage is going to scare away some people - like having a child, being divorced, having past financial issues, etc. |
Anonymous
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I also have a serious medical condition (that is visually undetectable), but it limits me from living life to the fullest. I have found that telling men about it hasn't been too big a deal. I was very worried when I first divorced that it would be a deal breaker for most people. So far, I have told pretty much everyone by the second or third date. As you mentioned, facing mortality changes who you are and how you live your life.
I bring it up when it comes up naturally in conversation. Sometimes that happens on the first date, more often on the second or third. I don't go into a whole lot of detail. With my illness, I stress that it is not contagious and that with medication, I live a pretty normal life. I don't tell them my long term prognosis or how it limits my ability to travel, etc. Those conversations can wait until I am getting more serious with someone. Here's the thing: Some people will react poorly to hearing that you have an illness whether you tell them on the first date or months later. If that's the case, I'd rather weed those folks out pretty quickly. Everyone has their own fears, and conceptions about illness. In my own (limited) experience, the most important thing is how you discuss it. If you are upbeat about life and not paralyzed by fear of getting sick again and you don't act like some sort of a victim (full of anger, resentment and why me type attitude), most people won't be too phased by your illness. |
Anonymous
| 2nd or 3rd date, at a natural opportunity. |