Dating with medical issues....when to disclose

[Anonymous]

I'd be careful dating op and it's not because he's recovering from cancer. He admits to being checked out of his marriage, then when he got cancer, he put his wife through needing to play the loving spouse role.. Whenever someone said "We're so sorry Bill has cancer, he's such a nice man", she wasn't free to say "Our marriage has been bad for years, and I sure wish I could leave". OP has posted before about his cancer and his wife. I'd be concerned that if he treated one woman like he treated his wife, he'd treat others in the same way. The kindest thing for op to have done is to have left his wife, cancer or no (he could have stayed with family during his recovery) and free her to find a relationship. Based on op's previous posts, he had the resources to continue to work two assignments,(recall the post about his wife thinking he was having an affair) and he was well enough to travel alone out of town (recall his posts about wanting to leave his wife home with his daughter while he took a weekend away by himself). If he could do all that, he could have put some energy into his marriage, or he could have divorced his wife. He chose to use her and her resources indeffinately. It's this trait, not the cancer that would cause me to steer clear. His now ex may not be a saint, but op is hardly a prize.

[Anonymous]

Op are you the guy who had pancreatic cancer and was thinking of a way to tell your spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op are you the guy who had pancreatic cancer and was thinking of a way to tell your spouse?

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be careful dating op and it's not because he's recovering from cancer. He admits to being checked out of his marriage, then when he got cancer, he put his wife through needing to play the loving spouse role.. Whenever someone said "We're so sorry Bill has cancer, he's such a nice man", she wasn't free to say "Our marriage has been bad for years, and I sure wish I could leave". OP has posted before about his cancer and his wife. I'd be concerned that if he treated one woman like he treated his wife, he'd treat others in the same way. The kindest thing for op to have done is to have left his wife, cancer or no (he could have stayed with family during his recovery) and free her to find a relationship. Based on op's previous posts, he had the resources to continue to work two assignments,(recall the post about his wife thinking he was having an affair) and he was well enough to travel alone out of town (recall his posts about wanting to leave his wife home with his daughter while he took a weekend away by himself). If he could do all that, he could have put some energy into his marriage, or he could have divorced his wife. He chose to use her and her resources indeffinately. It's this trait, not the cancer that would cause me to steer clear. His now ex may not be a saint, but op is hardly a prize.

Except the trip was never made. I did travel for work when healthy. But, always had other people to help me if needed.

My marriage was not salvageable when the cancer was diagnosed. My ex and I stayed together not so she could help me, but so the lawyers would not take the assets when it appeared I was going to die anyway. If I had left, I would have had to move back home, which would have meant giving up my job....I do not have a career that is transportable. And, I have no other family in the area.

It made sense to wait out the cancer. From DW's perspective, if I had died, she would have been ahead to the tune of $2 million (life insurance)....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op are you the guy who had pancreatic cancer and was thinking of a way to tell your spouse?

No.

Too bad. I was hoping you were the same guy and that you were still alive. What kind of cancer did you have? How old are you? Age matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A few months ago, my wife of 15 years left me (I have the house). This was not surprising; two years ago, we were working towards a split, when I was diagnosed with metastatic cancer. At that point, it seemed better to stay together, since I was told that I had a 50% chance of surviving one year.

I currently have no evidence of disease, but I am physically limited by the after effects of multiple abdominal surgeries.

At what point is it appropriate to mention my medical issues? Clearly, before sex, as the scars will be apparent, but it seems like a buzzkill on the first date.

At the first serious conversation. This is how dating has worked for me. Go out two or three times, tell jokes, pieces of your life story, etc. Then it always seems the next date you are back at one or another's place and start talking about things like why you got divorced, what you are looking for,.... This is when you come up with something like this and say, "there is something I would like you to know about me.."

+1

About the third or fourth date and before sex

[Anonymous]

50 with advanced kidney cancer

[Anonymous]

Not first date unless it somehow comes up in conversation and you would have to lie to avoid disclosing. A first date is more like an interview to see if you want to see someone again - it is a meet and greet. As a single woman in my 30s, I would find it offputting to have a guy start telling me his medical problems the first time I met him. The 2nd-5th date are more the getting to know you dates and in my opinion somewhere in there would be appropriate depending on how the dating seems to be progressing. I have a medical condition too and would never bring it up on the first date.