Vent - being a mom is not what I expected
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I hear you. I got really accustomed to having lots of time to myself, lots of reading, internet, tv... and without those things when my first child was born, I never felt grounded.
It does get easier. But being a parent isn't all rainbows and butterflies, that's for sure. There is SO MUCH guilt! I used to talk to my first child ALL day long and it exhausted me... because I felt like if I wasn't talking, she wasn't learning... I don't think you ever get away from all that guilt. I used a cloth diaper service with my first because I couldn't possibly fathom washing my own diapers... I can't believe people have time for that. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. I'm sure you are doing a good job. |
Anonymous
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OP here. Thank you all for the support and commiseration. It helps to know I'm not alone.
9:20, you are totally right that my way of coping is no longer very feasible, which compounds the issues. I have always dealt with stress by getting some alone time to recharge and getting a good sleep. Neither of those things are possible now, and I feel like I have to be "on" 24/7. I also cope with stress by seeking control. I'm used to doing things well -- usually because I am stubborn and work my butt off to achieve, even when I'm not good at something. With a baby, there is no control, and no amount of trying and trying and trying on my part can make him achieve something. He's his own person with his own issues, and I have to accept that, but it's hard when I know what's best for him but can't get him to do it. I'm sure I'll be saying the same thing when he's 15 and even 25, but it's been a hard adjustment to let go of those things. I don't want to make the wrong choice just because I'm tired and stressed, but I also don't want to force him to be something he isn't. Sigh. |
Anonymous
I could have written this 2.5 years ago. I felt like I was drowning. I think you need both a short term and long term strategy for yourself. In the short term, you need to get some SLEEP. Hire a sitter, hire a baby nurse if you can afford it. Have your DH help out more -- whatever it takes to get some solid sleep once in a while. Not only will this make you feel better, but you will wake up with such a renewed sense of purpose and you will be much less stressed out about everything. Spend some money if you can because sleep is such a wonderful medicine. For the long term, simply take comfort in three things: 1) as everyone has says, it gets a LOT easier. 2) You get much more used to it so your longings for a day of total freedom seem to fade and your joy with your baby will increase and 3) you simply won't remember this misery!!! It's amazing what hormones and the maternal brain do to those first few months of memories.... |
Anonymous
I'm at 5.5 months and have had an easier go of it so far. But I totally relate to this OP! I feel like the one thing I need to combat the stress is just a day off filled with mindless alone time activities & a decent night sleep. That's what I have done in the past but it's the one thing that seems impossible to get right now! |
Anonymous
| I am totally in agreement with OP and 1041... a self confessed control freak who had a hard time adjusting to "not being in charge." Not only are you not in charge of your daily life and schedule, you are no longer in charge of your own body. For me this started with labor (water broke, needed Pitocin, major snowstorm, omg). And it got worse before it got better. OP how old is DS? Around the time DD could sit by herself for 5 mins, so mommy could take a shower, things got much, much easier. I just finally had to let go of it all and accept that I can only control so much of what happens these days. Not gonna lie, that took awhile (and I am back at work, so a large stretch of each day IS kind of under control). Is DH in the picture? Letting him do one night feeding (or alternating nights) would probably help you a lot. Or if he can hang with DS for a few hours on the weekends, so you can get out by yourself. |
Anonymous
| Parenting sucks until the kids are much more independent. For us, the turning point was when we regularly got to sleep past 6 am. I'm the mom of two preteens and it is the best stage yet! |
Anonymous
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We need to start one of those "It Get's Better" campaigns for new moms!
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Anonymous
OP again. When does this forgetting happen? Should I make myself a HUGE note to consult when the urge for #2 comes around?? It's so good to hear that others of you have struggled with this and come out well on the other end. I guess there are a lot of us control freaks in DC. DH is in the picture and is amazing, but there's only so much he can do. He often does take the last feed of the day so that I can go to bed earlier and get some sleep before the middle of the night one, but I feel bad doing that all the time because it's DS's massively fussy time, so he often ends up with a screaming child.  It's also really hard not to stay up and talk to DH after being alone much of the day.
I am finally getting to a point where I like going out more and feel I can handle it, which helps a lot, but DS hates his car set at, so it's not always that great to go out. I have found some friends to walk with, which also helps. Not sure what to do about finding a new way to cope, but I'm working on it. More sleep does help, and DS is sleeping better now, which is helpful. I will try to do a few ore things alone on the weekends, too. I sort of foresaw this before his birth and even made a list of things that would remain the same and routines I could count on to feel grounded, but even the ones I thought would be there have mostly been usurped by new things. Sigh. |
Anonymous
It gets SO much better, OP. Really. I hated the first couple of months and thought I was the worst parent ever. Then I started to realize that as an overachiever I was waiting and hoping for feedback and results -- when I accepted that I wasn't going to get a gold star for being a good mom, at least not before he got into a good college, it started to get a little better. Like other PPs have said, I also think this generations of moms is really hard on other moms, so feeling like you didn't achieve what you set out to do (cloth diapers, etc) makes it seem like you failed (and coming to places like this, where you can read all sorts of nutty posts doesn't help). You haven't -- not at all. Some of the things that helped me was to stop trying to come up with things to talk to him about all the time (when he was too young to respond) and start reading to him -- real books, not the one word baby books. I was also honestabout the frustrations with my husband and others, so I could get out some of the frustration; sometimes just saying it out loud helps. I also noticed I was competing against myself to do it all and stopped -- I let my husband take care of him and play and put him to bed to carve out some time to unwind. THe bottom line is that you love him and right now, that's really about all he really needs (because you will make good choices out of love). The other things really don't matter so much. Good luck and go easy on yourself, please. |
Anonymous
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Right there with you. If you're weird, than I'm weird, too.
(But, I honestly think we're the normal and honest ones and A LOT of women feel compelled to tell others that they find motherhood easy just to keep up the image of perfection.) |
Anonymous
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It really does get better. For us the first year was just survival. After about 15 months, it started getting easier--sleep was more predictable, and as my DD got older and better at playing by herself or if she attended music class or something I had time to read again (I missed that a lot).
I just had our second, and it's been easier bc know I now that things will change and get better. One thing on the diapering front--we started using cloth when my first was 6 months, and I vowed to start earlier with our second...yeah no. I forgot how many diapers they go through at this age. I only CD about 25% of the time bc that's all I can manage now. So don't be too hard on yourself, you can always try it later if you still want to. |
Anonymous
| How old is your child? |
Anonymous
| OP, in my experience it's mostly the lack of sleep. There's a reason this is used as a form of torture. Oh for the days when we lived in a real community where others (other women) would pitch in, give you time to sleep, do your chores, etc. See if you can find ways to take care of YOU. As long as your baby has a competent caregiver, he will be OK. And DO NOT sweat the small stuff. Most of us were raised on formula and we turned out OK. I admire your efforts with the cloth diapers but don't let this upset you. Just go with the flow. |
Anonymous
So true. So, so true. 
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Anonymous
| Hang in there OP. Being the mom of a baby is a lot of work. Yes, work. I have a 6 yr old and remember how high strung I was when he was born. I remember crying when he was a few months old b/c I thought I was a "bad mom" b/c I wasn't reading enough to him. LOL! Use formula and get some sleep. You didn't create this baby by yourself so get some solid sleep while your DH takes care of the baby. It gets easier as they get older. There are different challenges of course but you get more sleep. When you start getting some decent sleep, you can face anything. |