do you motivate your children by telling them how much you sacrificed for them?
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Anonymous
| I think kids need to know how the world works. My DS had his birthday recently and I worked overtime to pay for it. I'm a single mom and don't have a lot of extra money. He got some nice gifts that he wanted too. Then, he started whining about getting something that his friend just got (a Nerf gun). I explained that I had to work x number of hours extra in order to get him his presents, the party, etc. Otherwise, he would have no idea how money works (he is 5). I don't think I "made" him feel guilty but he needs to understand how much I work is what allows him to have what he needs and wants. |
Anonymous
| I kind of agree with 19:14. I do not try to guilt trip my kids, but I basically say there is no such thing as a free lunch. I explain that hobbies, sports, school essentials, etc cost money. How else are they to understand how the world works? |
Anonymous
| Not sure if the following is what OP means exactly. We certainly explain to our kids that their activities cost money and just as importantly, time. We don't expect certain results but we do expect a certain commitment, if we are going to be sacrificing money and time. The way this looks in practice might be something like "Sweetie, it costs a great deal of money to pay for your tap dancing and tuba lessons. Your dance and tuba instructors have asked you to do X and Y as practice during the week. If you aren't going to take the activity seriously by willingly doing what the instructor asks of you, that's your choice and that's fine, but in that case we'll have to stop paying for the activity and spending time taking you." This isn't guilt, it;s actually a matter-of-fact explanation of our limits/choices as parents. We aren't going to fund activities that DCs don't take reasonably seriously. |
Anonymous
why you get F in gender? |
Ariana
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| No! Bad idea! |
Anonymous
|
I read this blog post the other day and decided to try it out. Basically, this mom started saying, "I love to watch you swim." After meets rather than talking about speed, technique, etc.
I've used it a few times and each time my son/daughter's face lights up and they keep at whatever they are doing. http://www.handsfreemama.com/?p=3770 |
Anonymous
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I would never say to my child
"I sacrifice so much for you. I gave birth, I work hard to send you to school . . . " To me that's a straight up guild trip. But, if my child asks for something that isn't a requirement to me, like a special activity, and that requires a sacrifice from me, I do talk about the ramifications of that choice. For example, my kid likes to ski, which requires a long drive. A few times we've gone up to the ski hill and then he decides he wants to leave after 2 or 3 hours because he gets a text asking him to come over and watch a football game or something. So now, if he wants to go skiing I might say "If I'm going to drive that far and spend that gas money, I'd like you to commit to skiing at least 6 hours" or whatever. Another example, my kid plays a travel sport one season a year and it's expensive, plus a huge headache for me to arrange carpools for practice, leave work early on my day to carpool, give up an entire day each weekend to travel to games, and then be there while they warm up etc . . . It's totally worth it because he loves it, but I have said "If I'm going to do this for you, then I expect you to give it your best. By that I don't mean "be a first string player", I mean get ahead on HW so you don't need to skip practice. Don't tell me when I left work to pick you up that you can't go because you can't find your protective cup (yes, this happened once, I still had to drive the rest of carpool so I made him come, confess to the coach and watch practice), don't ask to skip the game to go to a birthday party etc . . . In the OP's example, I wouldn't sign my kid up for Tae Kwon Do because I wanted them to do it, and then tell them "You know what I sacrificed to have you here . . . " But if I had a kid who begged for Tae Kwon Do, and then was clearly goofing off during practice, I can totally see saying to them "Are you still interested in Tae Kwon Do, because it costs a lot of money and time. If it's what you want to do you can show me by . . . Otherwise let's look into the rec soccer team that is more convenient, and costs less". |
Anonymous
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PP here, one more thing to add.
I don't offer choices to my child that I can't live with. So I'd only say "would you rather play rec soccer . . . " if I actually didn't have a strong preference. Saying that as a threat and hoping they don't call your bluff, or letting them switch and then making them feel like a quitter isn't OK. I should also add that there's nothing wrong, in my opinion, in having a kid who dabbles in things. My kid is usually like that, he's happy doing a little of this and a little of that. I just know that I'm not paying for $50 private music lessons, when all he really wants/needs is the group guitar lesson that the rec center offers. |
Anonymous
| Wow I just did it an hour ago. My daughter was asking why did we not have a nicer house like the one we had just visited and wouldn't be nice we lived in a more upscale neighborhood. I just let loose about how hard I had to work to just keep us where we were let alone move up and that she should learn to appreciate what she had because it be a whole lot worse. We moved to an much more upscale out of boundary school in DC this year and I have struggled, as have my kids at how wide the gap can be, but I also think kids need to understand that they should appreciate what their parents, teachers, adult mentors do give to them. |
Anonymous
| 17:20 - I agree there are definitely times they need to know what is really going on. Not constantly. I think many of us try to overcompensate for what we perceive were issues (they were not) growing up. It is going to bite us in the ass. HARD. |
Anonymous
| I dunno. I knew someone who did this with her kids, telling them how hard she worked (she was a single mom and sometimes borrowed money to pay tuition) to put them in private school. Her daughter made the most of her education and took it seriously. Her son goofed off and got kicked out of the school. Then he said she didn't have to work so hard now that she wasn't paying for a private education. |
Anonymous
| this is guilting them, not motivating them. |
Anonymous
| A lot of these examples are about older kids. Having expectations for older kids and them knowing your basic financial status makes perfect sense. The OP's example is a 6 year old. Totally different worlds. |
Anonymous
| No, I do not tell DS that. |
Anonymous
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Just remember, no child asks to be born
And a private school is the parents choice. No need to put a guilt trip for that |