Question for the women who aren't gettin' busy
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Anonymous
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Who's withholding? You or the DH?
We've had sex a whopping two times since my 14 month old was born. And probably only twice during my pregnancy. Prior to the pregnancy, it was more often, but I honestly can't remember how much. (Never an overwhelming amount, but enough that there were no complaints.) Even though I don't initiate it, I would probably take DH up on it if he started things. So, I feel like it's him that's withholding. I have thrown out barbs like "Well, we're not screwing anymore, so why should I care about this or that" during fights at least 3 times since DS was born, with no response from DH. I would expect him to at least say "well, you're always tired" or "grouchy" or even "too fat"...but nothing, so that just makes me think he's past even making excuses, but just totally doesn't want it. So when I read the post that there are other sexless couples out there, I felt better for a few nights. Until I thought oh, in those cases, it's probably the woman withholding, never the man. So I thought I'd ask. FWIW, though I don't want to be called naive, I fully believe he's not seeing anyone else. We're together all the time, except his work hours. |
Anonymous
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Woman here. It's probably this:
"barbs like "Well, we're not screwing anymore, so why should I care about this or that" during fights" I have a very high sex drive and am usually not getting it as much as I want. I've lashed out in anger and said those things. It makes it WORSE. Probably it's b/c you have a 14 yo and you're both tired and still adjusting. If you want it, then seduce him. And, while you're at it...and I mean IN THE MIDDLE OF WHILE YOU ARE AT IT...throw it in there that you want him to "take" you or whatever dirty talk he likes, and I'm betting things will pick up. |
Anonymous
| Is this your first baby? How long have you been married? |
Anonymous
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OP here...20:11, I know you're right. I know I'm insulting his manhood and being hateful. Ugh, I just can't help it. I think I want to piss him off enough to answer at least why, but it's probably back-firing.
20:12, forever! 24 years this summer. And 3 children, 2 away at college and our 14 month old. |
Anonymous
| it seems like the more my DH and I got to know each other, and got used to each other, the more uneasy we were about sex. It's odd. We can't seem to really let go. we both initiate after a few drinks, occasionally otherwise. It's definitely a project to work on, but there is always something else taking priority. |
Anonymous
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OP you have two college aged kids and a baby??
Suicide would be a bigger problem for me. |
Anonymous
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Man, I don't know what to tell you except try seducing him, like PP mentioned. DH is always willing, so I don't have this particular problem (our problem is that I'm chock full of nursing hormones PPT, and DH hasn't been super helpful post-baby, which makes me all kinds of tired and stressed).
The other thing I want to agree with is how hurtful it must be to your DH that you say things like "we're not screwing anymore" during fights. I'd be really hurt if DH said this (though in some ways he'd be more than justified since we used to have sex twice a week or so and now it's about once a month!), and it would be an immediate and powerful turn-off. How can he get it up when he associates sex with this sort of hurtful remark? Maybe some communication (when you're both feeling mellow) would help to clear things up. Use "I" statements, don't blame him, try to figure out what's going on in a neutral way. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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20:11 here, meant 14mo...haha.
You are just like me, I do that, demand answers during a fight. It doesn't work...telling you and reminding myself. |
Anonymous
No, that would be you. That plus your "barbs" and well, you sound like a real gem. Act like an adult, and instead of taunting him, jump his bones and enjoy. Oh, given the ill will you've already run up, you may have to do this a few times before he doesn't look at you suspiciously. |
Anonymous
| 20:12 again. Wow! Two kids in college and a toddler. Congratulations on your expanding family. You have much to be thankful for - except your sex life. I'm assuming high stress reigns given your situation. Ironic - because what you both need is a sexual release to ease the mounting tension. Extend an olive branch, several times if neccesary, and get reconnected physically. It's so very important. Open the communication about sex when not angry and ask him what he wants you to do to please him - maybe his needs have changed? |
ThatSmileyFaceGuy
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| Seriously, you insult him and act like a major bitch during a fight going as low as you can, and never initiate but it's him that is withholding? |
Anonymous
This is it here. He's really fucking pissed that you had another baby and there's no way he's going near your cooch again after this. I'd be pissed, too. Unless this was an explicitly and genuinely mutually agreed upon child. You just wrecked his future. |
Anonymous
Cray-cray! |
Anonymous
| Don't worry, OP. DH has a robust sex life. |
Anonymous
| After 3 kids, and a huge gap in ages at that, I too wouldn't have sex with you. Just seems blah. The thrill is gone. |