Kind of Felt Uncomfortable Because of My Ethnicity On a Tour
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Anonymous
| Why is it so offensive to simply ask someone about her ethnic background? What's the crime in being curious about other people? |
Anonymous
| But they didn't ask for his ethnic background. They asked where he was from. And I agree with the last poster, would you ask someone their religion or political affiliation or sexual orientation at first meeting? All of these are questions in which the answers have frequently been used to exclude or persecute people. Would you ask for someone's weight? It's good policy to avoid asking people questions on first meeting that they may not want to disclose or that are often asked for reasons other than wanting to get to know someone better. If it mattered to the poster HE'd disclose it in conversation. |
Anonymous
My sentiment exactly. |
SAM2
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I don't really think these are fair comparisons. Religion and political affiliation are known hot-button topics that routinely divide people. Sexual orientation and weight are not only hot-button topics, but are also issues that many people keep private and closely hidden. By contrast, a person's ancestry is often somewhat evident on her face. It's also something that many people are intensely curious about. There's that "Who do you think you are?" show, and 60,000 web pages dissecting the ancestry of people like Tiger Woods and various other celebrities. I don't see what is offensive about asking the question. Sure, if someone is making negative and unfair inferences about you, based on your response to the question, that's a problem. But I imagine the question itself is just part of human interaction. No more offensive or intrusive than asking me where I grew up, or what I do for a living. Besides if I really don't want to answer your question, no one can make me. There are plenty of ways to brush off that question without really responding. If you think questions about your ancestry or ethnic background are offensive, what is it you find offensive about those questions? Please educate me. |
Anonymous
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Well he might be offended because of the environment in which it was brought up. He was touring the school and this was the teachers’ first time meeting him. I have met many people in my life of many different orgins and I would not think to ask them where they are from upon meeting them for the first time. Also, he might be offended that they launched into a sales pitch about Asian cultures that are not his. I am AA. If someone asked me where I was from, I would say Detroit. If they, without me asking, then talked about the things they do to celebrate Nigerian culture, I woud think they were clueless. Not racist, not malicious…..CLUELESS.
The teachers were clearly trying to make him feel comfortable, but they did it in awkward and inappropriate way. And as a parent, you do have to wonder how your kid is going to be treated in that teacher’s classroom. Is that kid going to get all the Asian topics druing culture week? When they do the living biography project, will my kid automatically be given an Asian subject? That is the stuff that you think about when this happens. I would not have been offended per se, but it would make me wonder about fit. |
Anonymous
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Yeah ... I think what you've learned here is that DC is not a very cosmopolitan place, not compared to NYC, to say the least! At the same time, DC can be an extremely earnest/PC place. You add these two things together, and you get the kinds of awkwardness you encountered. Also, DC has such a complex and difficult history of black-white race issues that white people tend to think "black" when they think race and ethnicity, and they just don't have a mental category for other people of color.
On a somewhat more negative note, I have witnessed more out and out racism and racial hostility here in DC than in any of the other cities I've lived in. I think it has to do with those long-simmering racial resentments, the current severe racial inequalities, and the fact that DC is after all south of the Mason Dixon line. |
Anonymous
Because if you ask the question poorly, or if you use the information poorly, you insinuate a lot of really rude and offensive things, whether you mean to or not. Asking where someone is from and not accepting an answer that they are from somewhere in the US immediately categorizes them as a foreigner, i.e. "not one of us" but "one of them." For those of us that are American citizens, you are saying that our family heritage is more important than our national affiliation. That we aren't AMERICAN enough. Even the well meaning teachers at the school, then categorized the OP as "one of them" by highlighting all of the incorrect associations with Chinese New Year, origami, and Culture Day for a culture that wasn't his. What they said was that the fact that his ancestors came from some county in Asia was more important than him as an individual and the fact that he was born the US. You place an artificially imposed importance on his race and categorize him because of it. I'm the previous American-born Chinese from PIttsburgh and it doesn't make me feel more included when someone highlights my race to tell me the LOVE sushi or kimchee. It says that the fact that I'm of Asian descent and random Asian stream of consciousness associations with Asia are more important than me as a person. In a case of educators doing this, it is completely inappropriate. I would expect the teachers teaching children to be more aware and be able to teach my children and the children that they are associating with to be more aware that everyone is treated equally and that no one's race should be made more significant than that person should wish. Also, if that person DOES with to place significance on their ethnicity, to at least have the respect to learn what the ethnicity is and what's important about it rather than just to do random association with it. Japanese, Chinese, Korean and ethnicities are very different. And they are no more alike than Scandinavian, Mediterranean or Slavic individual ethnicities. |
Anonymous
First, my race is really not some sort of biological curiosity. Treating it as if it were unusual and bizarre is not going to "break the ice" with me. And, while I know that that is rarely the intent, that is what it makes it seem like. As another poster pointed out, you really should not comment or ask about that unless the person raises the ethnicity. If they think that noting it is important, then it becomes a topic for conversation. If for some reason, your curiosity gets the better of you and you cannot resist being rude to assuage your curiosity, then you can ask "What is your family heritage?" which does not imply that I am a foreigner and does not imply that I am not an American. It gives me the same respect as accorded to someone whose ancestors came from England on the Mayflower by asking where my forebears were from, not where I am from. It's still rude because it labels me as different and "one of them" as opposed to "one of us", but at least it doesn't immediately label me as a foreigner. |
Anonymous
And race is NOT?!? Race is most definitely a hot-button topic. And by highlighting someone's race, whether it is physically evident or not, immediately says that you place more importance on my race and what you can learn about it than about me as an individual. It is EXACTLY like asking about religion or political affiliation as it places the emphasis that your race, religion or political affiliation allows me to either make assumptions or learn more about this group that you belong to rather than as you as an individual. And that I don't have a say whether I am affiliated with that or not. If I'm several generations removed from my ancestry, don't know much about the culture and don't identify myself with the culture, you are placing that emphasis on me whether I want it or not. Just like people categorize blacks or Hispanics without knowing how much they identify with those cultures. As PPs have mentioned, you need to wait until you know me better and find out how much I identify with my cultural background, or even IF I identify with it to determine whether it is significant enough to make it a point of conversation.
The problem is that 90% of people who ask this question follow it up with further inappropriate questions or associations, much like the OP's experience. And especially in the situation that the OP was in, it was also off-topic, unless they were demonstrating that they didn't know what they were teaching their students and that making wild and inappropriate associations was an appropriate thing to teach students.
I find it offensive that despite the fact that I was born and raised in the United States and am as American as the next guy, that I am still treated as a foreigner. I find it offensive that when my colleague who is an immigrant but white is not being asked questions such as "Where are you from?" that make him feel like an outsider or foreigner, I am. You assume o r at least make me feel like you assume that I am not from here, I am not American and I am not "one of us" but don't treat the Caucasian person who is a foreigner that way. Until you know how much importance *I* place on my ethnic heritage, then you shouldn't place more importance on it than I do because otherwise you imply that my heritage is more important than I, as an individual, am. |
Anonymous
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I am the person with the strong accent who absolutely detest being asked the: where are you from question; even with the follow up, " your accent is cute" - well, I was not searching for a compliment, I was just having a conversation with you at the grocery store. Why did I need to stop mid sentence to explain to you where it is that I originated from. You're a complete stranger and we're just exchanging pleasantries. I don't need you conjure up all kinds of ideas of you think I must be like. If you have the time and the interest I will tell you. There have not been one time that I've disclosed where I was born during a first met casual conversation with someone without that person superimposing and before I have a chance to explain who I am all kinds of cultural perceptions about me. Right away you feel a line has been drawn between them and you. Usually the cultural perceptions are vague and don't apply to you at all, but find yourself giving an impromptu history lesson, or at other times, you simply let it go.
The point is, accent and all, I feel very AMERICAN. I chose to be an American. I live and breath the American way of life just like you. And the way you see me, may not be the way I see myself. How are you to know that? Well, with a bit of time. With time; if you have it, I will explain my heritage to you. Otherwise, I don't owe it to you to satisfy your curiosity. Basically, It is improper etiquette to ask during a first and limited social interaction with someone where they're from and to persist to know just to satisfy your curiosity and to make assumptions about who you think they are culturally - that's provincial. Let them tell you. |
Anonymous
| Whether or not it's offensive, it clearly indicates the (lack of) awareness of diversity in the culture of the school. If it bothered you then during an event where the school is on its best behavior, my guess is that it is something that runs deeper and will be even more of an issue once you are part of the school community. Unless you want to do a lot of teaching and awareness spreading, I'd look elsewhere. |
Anonymous
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I don't know if this is relevant, but I thought I'd share my experience having lived in NY my whole life and now DC for a long time as well. New York is an incredibly international city and diverse in every way, but it is not an integrated city at all. The closest people come is on the subway and that doesn't include all the people with money who haven't taken the subway in 30 years. The Italians stick together, the Irish, the Greeks, the Haitians, the Dominicans, the Puerto Ricans, the Jews, the Protestants, etc all have their enclaves, schools, communities, charities, restaurants, and don't really overlap that much.
DC is much more international and integrated in the sense (maybe not socioeconomically) that there are ton of foreign nationals living here for a myriad of reasons, in addition to first generation Americans. There aren't really small enclaves as in NY but rather everyone is interacting all the time, at restaurants, schools, jobs, metroing, etc. It's a totally different way of being diverse. We attend a school that is incredibly diverse. At first I thought, wow this is so forced. It's not as if the real world actually even works this way where everyone from every different background is hanging out, but I've learned to really love and appreciate it for what it is. An incredible opportunity for my family and children to meet people from every different background on a real level of friendship: fifth generation Americans (chinese, jewish, russian, etc) to fresh off the plane from their newest assignment, which happens to be in the US. Not sure I really verbalized this so well, bcse very tired, but I thought it might help explain some of the school's perhaps misplaced desire to find out where you "really were from". The PC commitment to diversity in this city is just different. Maybe overcommited to the idea, but still an interesting process to be part of. |
Anonymous
| OP, I am asian-american and HATE getting asked the "where are you from" (or related questions). i probably have one weirdo encounter once a month along these lines. This would probably be a deal breaker for me. Can you please say what school this was? DC? MD? VA? |
Anonymous
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OP, I am asian-american and HATE getting asked the "where are you from" (or related questions)
Me too. For me that statement makes me feel removed from the american fabric. It question my state of mind, like I have to justify something, even when that is not what was intended. I don't like that statement. |
Anonymous
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OP, you're not overreacting. The repeated references to "culture day" and a parent in costume are just weird IMHO. Even if they said it to non-ethnic parents.
Whatever people are innocently or not curious about, there are simple ways to ask without isolating. (Home training as we say here down south.) "Welcome to our school. I'm (name) and I'm a (parent of adopted Asian child, member of our first culture day committee...insert your identiy or thing you think you have in common with other person here). Do you mind if I ask what brought you to our school? Are you from the area? I'm just curious. Our school has people from all over." To PPs who ask "why is it offensive to ask", it's not what you're asking, but how you're asking it. For example, I have twins. We tend to get a lot of "curious" questions. I, too, am curious about multiplies. That's why I preface questions to strangers with double strollers and twin-looking kids with a simple "Hi, I'm a mom of twins. Do you mind if I ask, are they twins?" Note, I don't ask if YOUR kids are twins (you could be a nanny, aunt, whatever). What I'm curious about is if the KIDS are twins and that experience for their family. If they are twins, then we adults have something in common. If not, at least the other adult understands my intention for asking. A simple "I hope you don't mind if I ask..." is a polite way to ask pretty much anything. (OP, I say avoid this school and trust your instincts.) |