Was I being insensitive?

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[Post New]07/25/2008 00:35
Anonymous
A guy here. My guess is that OP's husband blew up because he's been feeling ignored since the baby arrived. I admit I don't know her or her husband, but usually when my wife flies off the handle on a comment I make, it's because something has been building up for some time. I'd say this sounds just like that. Also, every single "new dad" book tells us to prepare for this, that new moms are all about the baby and dads are the third wheel for a while. They tell us to be patient and that things will get better later on. So apparently it's pretty common for dads to feel left out and I could see how the comment might have brought it all to a boil.




[Post New]07/25/2008 09:31
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: We put DS before ourselves, this means that anything going on in our marriage has to be completely resolved as to not impact our children. Kids First.


I'm of the opposite opinion. I think DH is first in my life, above all else, including DD. If DH and I dont have a solid relationship, then how can we provide DD with a happy home. If DD needs to take a backseat to our relationship - not at the expense of her health or safety or anything - then, thats the best thing we can do for her.


ITA. I think the best gift parents give their children is a strong and happy marriage. My DH is also my top priority. I love my kids, and I take care of their needs, obviously. But my role in their lives is to help them leave me eventually. My role in my husband's life is to live with him until death. I don't intend to make either of us unhappy in that process. My kids will be just fine. It is one thing I think my own parents did right - even as a child I recognized and loved that their first devotion was to each other.

I'll go one further: I think one reason we have helicopter parents is the obsessive need so many of us have to put our children first above all. Raising kids is an intense experience, but it is temporary if you do it right. And by that I mean, if you raise them to be responsible, independent (and, I hope, kind) adults.


OP - your husband sounds like a second child for you. What fun. And children need to know that Mom (and Dad) puts them first. Child raising is *not* temporary. It's a lifelong relationship, as anyone with a good relationship with their Mom/adult kids will tell you.
[Post New]07/25/2008 11:06
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: We put DS before ourselves, this means that anything going on in our marriage has to be completely resolved as to not impact our children. Kids First.


I'm of the opposite opinion. I think DH is first in my life, above all else, including DD. If DH and I dont have a solid relationship, then how can we provide DD with a happy home. If DD needs to take a backseat to our relationship - not at the expense of her health or safety or anything - then, thats the best thing we can do for her.


ITA. I think the best gift parents give their children is a strong and happy marriage. My DH is also my top priority. I love my kids, and I take care of their needs, obviously. But my role in their lives is to help them leave me eventually. My role in my husband's life is to live with him until death. I don't intend to make either of us unhappy in that process. My kids will be just fine. It is one thing I think my own parents did right - even as a child I recognized and loved that their first devotion was to each other.

I'll go one further: I think one reason we have helicopter parents is the obsessive need so many of us have to put our children first above all. Raising kids is an intense experience, but it is temporary if you do it right. And by that I mean, if you raise them to be responsible, independent (and, I hope, kind) adults.


OP - your husband sounds like a second child for you. What fun. And children need to know that Mom (and Dad) puts them first. Child raising is *not* temporary. It's a lifelong relationship, as anyone with a good relationship with their Mom/adult kids will tell you.
Not sure you get it. It's apples and oranges. It is def. ok for parents to put kids on hold for mom and dad time and set the tone that we need to do this or that. If a child interrupts to be able to say hold on, dad is talking. Let them know that it's a union, not so much first or second.
[Post New]07/25/2008 11:11
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: We put DS before ourselves, this means that anything going on in our marriage has to be completely resolved as to not impact our children. Kids First.


I'm of the opposite opinion. I think DH is first in my life, above all else, including DD. If DH and I dont have a solid relationship, then how can we provide DD with a happy home. If DD needs to take a backseat to our relationship - not at the expense of her health or safety or anything - then, thats the best thing we can do for her.


ITA. I think the best gift parents give their children is a strong and happy marriage. My DH is also my top priority. I love my kids, and I take care of their needs, obviously. But my role in their lives is to help them leave me eventually. My role in my husband's life is to live with him until death. I don't intend to make either of us unhappy in that process. My kids will be just fine. It is one thing I think my own parents did right - even as a child I recognized and loved that their first devotion was to each other.

I'll go one further: I think one reason we have helicopter parents is the obsessive need so many of us have to put our children first above all. Raising kids is an intense experience, but it is temporary if you do it right. And by that I mean, if you raise them to be responsible, independent (and, I hope, kind) adults.


OP - your husband sounds like a second child for you. What fun. And children need to know that Mom (and Dad) puts them first. Child raising is *not* temporary. It's a lifelong relationship, as anyone with a good relationship with their Mom/adult kids will tell you.


Not sure you get it. It's apples and oranges. It is def. ok for parents to put kids on hold for mom and dad time and set the tone that we need to do this or that. If a child interrupts to be able to say hold on, dad is talking. Let them know that it's a union, not so much first or second.


Oh, I get it. What you are describing is just raising courteous kids who don't interrupt and have respect for their parents. Your DH is a grown up. You are not his Mom, you're his wife. Your DC is a child. You are his/her Mom. Read several times if necessary.
[Post New]07/25/2008 11:21
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: We put DS before ourselves, this means that anything going on in our marriage has to be completely resolved as to not impact our children. Kids First.


I'm of the opposite opinion. I think DH is first in my life, above all else, including DD. If DH and I dont have a solid relationship, then how can we provide DD with a happy home. If DD needs to take a backseat to our relationship - not at the expense of her health or safety or anything - then, thats the best thing we can do for her.


ITA. I think the best gift parents give their children is a strong and happy marriage. My DH is also my top priority. I love my kids, and I take care of their needs, obviously. But my role in their lives is to help them leave me eventually. My role in my husband's life is to live with him until death. I don't intend to make either of us unhappy in that process. My kids will be just fine. It is one thing I think my own parents did right - even as a child I recognized and loved that their first devotion was to each other.

I'll go one further: I think one reason we have helicopter parents is the obsessive need so many of us have to put our children first above all. Raising kids is an intense experience, but it is temporary if you do it right. And by that I mean, if you raise them to be responsible, independent (and, I hope, kind) adults.
First of all, I'm not the Op, Im a poster that understands that for you to make an accusatory assumption about her husband without knowing him or her is not cool. To say that her husband made an insecure statement is one thing. THe op gave us that much, but to say she is raising a second child is way to much. We know nothing about the family, and your statement is one that gets things stirred on the site. Just like you wouldn't tell a child you didn't like the child, it's his behavior you don't like, it's much easier to get along with people in life when you talk about an individual statement or incident and not make a general statement about people you don't know. Hopefully you teach your child that.

OP - your husband sounds like a second child for you. What fun. And children need to know that Mom (and Dad) puts them first. Child raising is *not* temporary. It's a lifelong relationship, as anyone with a good relationship with their Mom/adult kids will tell you.


Not sure you get it. It's apples and oranges. It is def. ok for parents to put kids on hold for mom and dad time and set the tone that we need to do this or that. If a child interrupts to be able to say hold on, dad is talking. Let them know that it's a union, not so much first or second.


Oh, I get it. What you are describing is just raising courteous kids who don't interrupt and have respect for their parents. Your DH is a grown up. You are not his Mom, you're his wife. Your DC is a child. You are his/her Mom. Read several times if necessary.
[Post New]07/25/2008 11:30
Anonymous
First of all I'm not the Op, just the previous poster, and will tell you that you don't know this woman, her kid, or her husband. When you make a general statement about someone such as her husband being a child, you are insulting someone you don't know. That is completely where the venom from this site comes from. You only have one statement from this op about her husband being insecure about a statement she made to her baby. That is all we have. So is he insecure. Maybe. But a child is a direct insult to an adult were not familiar with. I hope you don't raise your child to be as judgemental as you appear to be. I would also stress that with kids we never say we don't like them, we tell them it's the behavior we don't like. He husband might have shown poor behavior in that incident, but we don't have a pattern, we only have that incident.
[Post New]07/25/2008 11:32
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:First of all I'm not the Op, just the previous poster, and will tell you that you don't know this woman, her kid, or her husband. When you make a general statement about someone such as her husband being a child, you are insulting someone you don't know. That is completely where the venom from this site comes from. You only have one statement from this op about her husband being insecure about a statement she made to her baby. That is all we have. So is he insecure. Maybe. But a child is a direct insult to an adult were not familiar with. I hope you don't raise your child to be as judgemental as you appear to be. I would also stress that with kids we never say we don't like them, we tell them it's the behavior we don't like. He husband might have shown poor behavior in that incident, but we don't have a pattern, we only have that incident.
I meant calling an adult a child is an insult to someone we don't know.
[Post New]07/25/2008 11:39
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:First of all I'm not the Op, just the previous poster, and will tell you that you don't know this woman, her kid, or her husband. When you make a general statement about someone such as her husband being a child, you are insulting someone you don't know. That is completely where the venom from this site comes from. You only have one statement from this op about her husband being insecure about a statement she made to her baby. That is all we have. So is he insecure. Maybe. But a child is a direct insult to an adult were not familiar with. I hope you don't raise your child to be as judgemental as you appear to be. I would also stress that with kids we never say we don't like them, we tell them it's the behavior we don't like. He husband might have shown poor behavior in that incident, but we don't have a pattern, we only have that incident.


Name-caller here. You're right, and I apologize. I just get frustrated sometimes with posts about husbands who give their wives a hard time about taking good care of their children. We all have our insecurities and I'm sure there are things me or my husband do that would seem crazy to others on this board as well. Thanks for the reminder.
[Post New]07/25/2008 12:16
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:First of all I'm not the Op, just the previous poster, and will tell you that you don't know this woman, her kid, or her husband. When you make a general statement about someone such as her husband being a child, you are insulting someone you don't know. That is completely where the venom from this site comes from. You only have one statement from this op about her husband being insecure about a statement she made to her baby. That is all we have. So is he insecure. Maybe. But a child is a direct insult to an adult were not familiar with. I hope you don't raise your child to be as judgemental as you appear to be. I would also stress that with kids we never say we don't like them, we tell them it's the behavior we don't like. He husband might have shown poor behavior in that incident, but we don't have a pattern, we only have that incident.


Name-caller here. You're right, and I apologize. I just get frustrated sometimes with posts about husbands who give their wives a hard time about taking good care of their children. We all have our insecurities and I'm sure there are things me or my husband do that would seem crazy to others on this board as well. Thanks for the reminder.
Thank you. It's very refreshing when someone can admit a mistake, and I think that is wonderful of you and understand your point as well.
[Post New]07/28/2008 21:52
cmkeough
Member Location: Arlington, VA
Offline
Ok, wow! OP here. Thanks for all the insight from everyone, especially the guy poster (yea!!! Always nice to get a guy's perspective, thanks!)

I think sometimes when people write things it can be interpreted the wrong way, and in some instances the right way. There are some snarky peeps here on DCUrban Mom/Dad, not saying that that was necessarily the case in this posting. After this post, I did tell my husband about my posting and such...ahhh the airing of dirty laundry and not anonymously either. Ok, back to telling DH - basically he got upset because he said that they're two different types of love and that I shouldn't have made that statement. Hmmm, okay true but in the end I think he was being a little sensitive and I suppose I was being a little insensitive too. The PP poster (guy) was probably right, DH isn't getting as much attention (in more ways than one, and I've been a lil snarky with DH too - all contributing factors I'm certain). This brings me to what some of the PP's had said about putting DH first always and DC comes second. Hmmm, when I read that initially I thought OMG! But after reading the www.ayeletwaldman.com/truly.html that one of the PP's posted and taking some time to digest a lot of different points of view it helped put things into perspective to me. I think it is apples and oranges, I also think DH was being a little sensitive and I was being a little insensitive, I also believe that I should be raising DD to grow up to be a bright, responsible, secure and independant young person (at almost 6 months old I have a loooonnnnggg way to go). So thanks for reminding me that yes, eventually one day (hopefully not) my teenage daughter may scream the words I onced yelled to my mother "I hate you, I wish I was never born" (sorry mom) it's my DH that will help me through those heartbreaking words, it will also be my DH that will get me through sleepless nights of worry, he will be my rock and I his. I did choose him and he chose me, and although being a good mother comes easily I know I need to be a good wife. Otherwise I'm doing a disservice to my children as well as our marriage, showing DD what love/respect is between two loving parents.

Thanks for all the different points of view. I truly appreciated it, when initially I think I was looking to just vent and look for solice I got something much better. Moderation is key. Sometimes taking a step back and gaining a little perspective helps, thank you!

Christina

[Post New]07/28/2008 22:36
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:What's that magic penny song about love??


I believe you mean the song that goes something like, "Love is something if you give it away/You end up having More/Love is like a magic penny/Hold it tight and you won't have any" or some such...
[Post New]07/28/2008 23:44
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote: We put DS before ourselves, this means that anything going on in our marriage has to be completely resolved as to not impact our children. Kids First.


I'm of the opposite opinion. I think DH is first in my life, above all else, including DD. If DH and I dont have a solid relationship, then how can we provide DD with a happy home. If DD needs to take a backseat to our relationship - not at the expense of her health or safety or anything - then, thats the best thing we can do for her.


ITA. I think the best gift parents give their children is a strong and happy marriage. My DH is also my top priority. I love my kids, and I take care of their needs, obviously. But my role in their lives is to help them leave me eventually. My role in my husband's life is to live with him until death. I don't intend to make either of us unhappy in that process. My kids will be just fine. It is one thing I think my own parents did right - even as a child I recognized and loved that their first devotion was to each other.

I'll go one further: I think one reason we have helicopter parents is the obsessive need so many of us have to put our children first above all. Raising kids is an intense experience, but it is temporary if you do it right. And by that I mean, if you raise them to be responsible, independent (and, I hope, kind) adults.


For me this is spot on about the role of the parent is to help our kids leave us eventually while my role as a wife is to live with my DH until death. I love my kids and of course hope someday they choose to live nearby and maybe I even envision Sunday dinners (though I don't cook) with the whole family. But even in these dreams of Sunday dinners like the Waltons, my kids are grown up and not living with us and my DH and I are enjoying our time as empty nesters. My DH always says he loves all his girls and includes me in that statement. It makes me feel good to know that even though I don't have the pre-kids figure and we don't have very much time with just the two of us - he not only makes a point of mentioning how important I am to him when it just us, but also to me just as important he says how we all three (two daughters and mommy) are important to him and he is setting an example to our daughters about being in a relationship. I don't know if I would say anything - but I have to admit if he just said how his daughters were his favorite people in the world, I would wonder if I was just chopped liver or the baby incubator for 9 months - to me that would almost be like saying hey, I have two beautiful daughters, I can go out and find another mom for them - isn't that was the Internet is for. When he includes me in the statement that is more of a - not only was I lucky enough to find you, but because of that I'm blessed with two beautiful daughters - my life is full. To me there is a difference.
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