Was I being insensitive?

[Anonymous]

It's normal for many people to love their children above and beyond all others. Yes, your spouse is also important and surely lovable, but I think he is being too sensitive and should understand that a parent's bond with a child is special and different. I don't think you were being insensitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: We put DS before ourselves, this means that anything going on in our marriage has to be completely resolved as to not impact our children. Kids First.

I'm of the opposite opinion. I think DH is first in my life, above all else, including DD. If DH and I dont have a solid relationship, then how can we provide DD with a happy home. If DD needs to take a backseat to our relationship - not at the expense of her health or safety or anything - then, thats the best thing we can do for her.

ITA. I think the best gift parents give their children is a strong and happy marriage. My DH is also my top priority. I love my kids, and I take care of their needs, obviously. But my role in their lives is to help them leave me eventually. My role in my husband's life is to live with him until death. I don't intend to make either of us unhappy in that process. My kids will be just fine. It is one thing I think my own parents did right - even as a child I recognized and loved that their first devotion was to each other.

I'll go one further: I think one reason we have helicopter parents is the obsessive need so many of us have to put our children first above all. Raising kids is an intense experience, but it is temporary if you do it right. And by that I mean, if you raise them to be responsible, independent (and, I hope, kind) adults.

[Anonymous]

Prioritizing your marriage (taking time for each other and keeping your relationship strong) is one thing. Doing so doesn't automatically mean that you need to love your DH more than your children. I was actually surprised to see the comments here. I really don't know any one (well, mother at least) who wouldn't say that she loves her children most. And in the burning building - sorry, but there's no way that'd be anyone but DD that i'd save first. And i honestly and truly hope my husband would do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Prioritizing your marriage (taking time for each other and keeping your relationship strong) is one thing. Doing so doesn't automatically mean that you need to love your DH more than your children. I was actually surprised to see the comments here. I really don't know any one (well, mother at least) who wouldn't say that she loves her children most. And in the burning building - sorry, but there's no way that'd be anyone but DD that i'd save first. And i honestly and truly hope my husband would do the same.

It amazes me that you perceived that as her saying she loved her husband first. I didn't get that at all. I think that she is saying that the number one thing she wants to do for her child is show a foundation between mom and dad that is strong and united. I think this is good. I think their is no feeling like seeing the love that parents feel for a child and inturn will teach the kids how to treat significant others later on. I think it's a terrific precesant to set. Seal was on Oprah with Heidi Klum and he said the same thing. Heidi comes first and than the kids and the audience cheered and thought it was the sweetest thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: We put DS before ourselves, this means that anything going on in our marriage has to be completely resolved as to not impact our children. Kids First.

I'm of the opposite opinion. I think DH is first in my life, above all else, including DD. If DH and I dont have a solid relationship, then how can we provide DD with a happy home. If DD needs to take a backseat to our relationship - not at the expense of her health or safety or anything - then, thats the best thing we can do for her.

I'm in this camp, as well. I love DD madly and to a degree I never imagined possible. But I feel the same way about DH. Sure he irritates me at times, but it never changes the way I feel at the core. There's something incredibly precious to me about deep, mature, adult love between spouses or committed partners . . . and I truly believe that a happy home (with a solid and happy marriage) is the best gift we can give our daughter.

BTW, I very much remember the Ayelet Waldman article in the NY Times. I think she's being intentionally provocative, but I tend to agree with her underlying message. And I laugh whenever I see Michael Chabon's books at the library or book store. I believe he's her husband.

[Anonymous]

PP here: Since when is the "burning building" hypothetical the standard of measuring our love for people?

Think about it for a minute. If your office building were on fire, would your mindset be to help the people you liked the best at the expense of others? Seems to me, I'd be way more likely to help those who were unable to help themselves, either because of a disability or because they were trapped somewhere and couldn't get out on their own.

Same goes for DD and DH. In a burning building, my guess is DD would need my help way more than DH. But in day-to-day life (which thankfully does not involve deadly fires), my husband and marriage comes first as the foundation for everything else in our family, DD included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here: Since when is the "burning building" hypothetical the standard of measuring our love for people?

Think about it for a minute. If your office building were on fire, would your mindset be to help the people you liked the best at the expense of others? Seems to me, I'd be way more likely to help those who were unable to help themselves, either because of a disability or because they were trapped somewhere and couldn't get out on their own.

Same goes for DD and DH. In a burning building, my guess is DD would need my help way more than DH. But in day-to-day life (which thankfully does not involve deadly fires), my husband and marriage comes first as the foundation for everything else in our family, DD included.

very cool

[Anonymous]

I don't see how you can compare the love you have for your husband and rank it above or below the love you have for your child. It's SO different.

I can't even rank the love I have for my three kids. I love them each in totally different ways.

What's that magic penny song about love??

[Anonymous]

It is apples and oranges

[Anonymous]

Its a very scary thought but sometimes I think it would be worse for either DH or I to have to raise DD alone, than it would be for DH and I to have more kids. Not that its a measure of love, but I sometimes wonder if perhaps I would save DH or myself first, over DD. I certainly hope I'll never have to make that call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What's that magic penny song about love??

Danny Kaye 'The Five Pennies'?

This little penny is to wish on
And make your wishes come true
This little penny is to dream on
Dream of all you can do
This little penny is a dancing penny
See how it glitters and it glows
Bright as a whistle
Light as a thistle
Quick, quick as a wink
Up on it's twinkling toes
This little penny is to laugh on
To see that tears never fall
This little penny
Is the last little penny
And the most important of all
For this penny is to love on
And where love is, heaven is there
So with just five pennies, if they're these five pennies
You'll be a millionaire

[Anonymous]

I agree that it's apples and oranges, and that as the grownup, the Dh needs to kind of learn to be able to deal, but partners get jealous of a new baby, whether they admit it or not. It's a very real feeling of abandonment for some folks.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PPs who say marriage and husband comes first. It doesn't mean I love my kids any less, but that it is too easy to let your marriage suffer when kids come along. In addition, eighteen years down the road, the kids will be gone and it will be just you and DH for the next 20+ years. The willingness to die for DD, but not DH is not love -- it is called survival of our species. It is instinct.

I'm sure it was an inocent remark, but your husband's reaction does show that he is feeling displaced and probably abandoned. In the future, especially if you plan to have more kids, I would refrain from using superlatives to describe your child or how you feel about your child.

[Anonymous]

I just tell DD she is my favorite DD in the world, and DS he is my favorite DS in the world. I also tell my DH that he is my favorite husband EVER!. No one ever feels slighted.

[Anonymous]

9:40 has it absolutely right. We should not rank order the love we have for family members. Unconditional love is unconditional love.

It's also worth saying that love of a baby is easy and uncomplicated. Love of a spouse is more complex but is one-of-a-kind. Your baby did not pick you, but your spouse committed to be with you forever. Your toddler thinks you walk on water, while your spouse knows the truth and still wants you even when you are at your worst. A baby lets you know he's special, but a spouse lets you know that you are special. (Not always, but sometimes, anyway. So loving a spouse is harder, but that should not make it any less real.

And if you think that baby-love is so pure, just wait until they turn 13 and can't stand to be around you