How do I know if he's cheating?
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Anonymous
| I have this strange feeling that DH may be cheating with someone. Not sure the extent of things. As background, we've been married for 10 years & have 3 kids. We have definitely had our struggles and have been in counseling at times to help us though those rough patches. I am not the jealous type and do not have a problem with him having female friends etc. He's been working a lot, which isn't completely out of the norm, but he seems happy to be working a lot. He also seems distant and hasn't asked to have sex in a while, which is totally unusual b/c he normally wants to have sex several times a week. And I just keep getting this strange feeling that he may be having an affair with someone. How can I figure out if there is something going on? |
Anonymous
| When he's working late, do you speak by cell or on his office land line? |
Anonymous
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The key is the smart phone. My tip off was that for the first time in 15 years, H was now bringing the cell Phone into the bathroom with him during poops and showers and never let the phone leave his side. And with good reason! Because these smart phones carry a TON of incriminating infoation in them.
Texts, email Receipts, photos  . Voicemail and data on outgoing calls...
So seize that cell phone asap and really spend some time pouring thru its data trove. I hope it will be fine but when I did this (he forgot once and left it while showering) it made me sick. And confirmed I wasn't paranoid for nothing. Y |
Anonymous
| Just because he is happy with working longer hours does not mean he is cheating. This summer I pulled 80 hour weeks and was ecstatic. The project I had been assigned was right up my alley and played to my strengths. I did come home and tell my wife more than she cared to hear about it though. I would see my wife digging through my smart phone as badly as her cheating on me. Yes there are things on it I don't want her to see. I write my feelings down in the notepad. Especially after fights. She has my work email password and I have hers. My phone is the only private thing I have. Yes she has the unlock code to it, but hopefully doesn't use it much. Ask yourself if you have been the kind of wife that made it a struggle for him to be faithful to? Fix that if it needs fixing. I've been cheated on. After the divorce, all I could do is fix me and the reasons I contributed to the breakup. It sounds like you actually love him and want to stay married, so fix it before you dig into his private things. |
Anonymous
You know what, PP? Screw you. Screw that attitude that it is the betrayed souses's fault. Fix herself? WTF? OP, you will get much better and more accurate advice from www.survivinginfidelity.com. Get there, start reading. And ignore ignorant people who have not been in your position. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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In a relationship where infidelity occurs, there are contributing factors that are shared. First, you don't even know that he's cheating, so screaming about surviving infidelity websites is a bit premature. Second, unless you can fix other people, the only thing you can fix is yourself. I've sometimes wondered if my spouse was cheating, but ultimately it is the little spark of jealousy that forces me to continually improve myself. When my employees screw something up, I must ask myself: Am I being the best boss I can be? Did I communicate clearly? Were my expectations known? I cannot affect the choices people make around me, I can only work on my deficiencies. If my hypothetical employee screws up constantly, then yes- I will take action, but in the process I become better. If you're just looking to demonize men- then demonize away. If you're looking for a long-term solution that will make YOUR life better, then, focus on those things you can fix and have the good grace and dignity to accept what you cannot change. If he is cheating, you cannot change that. If he has low character, you cannot change that. If he is a total loser, you cannot change that either. You can only change those things you can control and reduce the odds. I think we've all at one point or another made our marriages fertile ground for infidelity. It is the character of the other person that moves us through the hard times and back into better ones.
You can dig through the cell phone if you please. What happens if you discover he hasn't cheated but has a gambling problem or some other problem? What happens if he hasn't done anything at all and now you've violated his trust in discovering that he hadn't violated yours? 8:02- you sound bitter. |
Anonymous
| *8:42 again- Because there are kids involved, it is of paramount importance that anything and everything be done to rescue this marriage for their sake. Yes, the damage you do to your children in a divorce is incalculable unless he's beating you in front of the kids, or shooting up heroin. I HAVE been cheated on. I found out when a friend told me about the affair he'd seen her have while I was out of town. The marriage could not be saved. The damage done to my children from the divorce (or infidelity), was enormous. |
Anonymous
And you sound like a simpleton Pollyanna who's probably posting from a semi-rural exurb in Indiana today where they talk about Jesus in the public schools. I am bitter, you are correct. Because I agree wholeheartedly that divorce does terrible damage to children, even though we pretend it doesn't so much. So now we're probably going to do terrible damage to our school age children because asshole H is deciding he'd rather "find happiness" with "the most beautiful woman I've even known" who fucks him and takes his money and has a cocaine problem and is half his age and has grapefruit tits and works as a part-time prostitute. I found most of this out by exploring his iPhone after he denied, denied, denied. You really think I'm sorry I did that? I don't particularly want all the silent STDs she undoubtedly gave him, so that ALONE was a good enough reason to electronically snoop. Anal cancer when I'm 60 due to silent HPV passed along by Craigslist whore thru H? No, thanks. |
Anonymous
| I'm confused why looking at your spouse's phone is seen as violating some sacred trust. It's a phone. I can look at my husband's any time I choose, and he can look at mine. It's a phone, not a locked hidden diary that says KEEP OUT, THIS MEANS YOU on the front. |
Anonymous
The problem with this is the moment you go for the phone, the marriage is over, whether or not there's evidence on it. |
Anonymous
Really? Why would you divorce over your spouse looking at your phone? My DH and I have nothing to hide, so we hide nothing. Remember, there is a huge difference between privacy and secrecy. |
Anonymous
Thank you, male. No, the "marriage is over" when the adultering husband takes naked, spread eagle shots of his lady friend and keeps them on his phone. Not when the wife later acts on hunch and scans the phone and finds the naked boudoir photographs. |
ThatSmileyFaceGuy
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There is also a big difference between respecting privacy and having something to hide. |
Anonymous
Well, there are only two ways to know for sure 1) catch him in the act or 2) he tells you. So I would not spend too much time worry about whether he is and trying to figure it out bc you are going to get lots and lots of clues but nothing will be definitive. I think that you should talk to him, dont accuse him of an affair but just say that you noticed that he has been a bit distant and that you are not have a much sex and that you are concern. BTW, does he turn you down if you ask? Do you ever ask or do you wait for him to ask. Again, just talk to him about how are are feeling. Good Luck. |
Anonymous
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Ignore the non BTDT posters. C'mon, people, you really think that talking about your feelings will induce your cheating spouse to come clean? Naive at best, and clearly counterproductive.
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