my marriage is being ruined by a generator! Help!

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[Post New]10/14/2011 10:44
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Anonymous
If it is portable, can you move it yourself? Or hire a handyman to move it?

You really need to ask for compromise. Try again. Your #1 problem is communication. Both of you feel dug in to your positions. Why not try to have a calm conversation, begin by extending an olive branch like having his fav import beer on hand, pour him a cold one and say, I am willing to compromise on this and here is what I want to do for you, since I know this is important to you... then offer x y and z. (I know you already did this, but try again.) Then ask as neutrally and calmly as possible, is there anything he can compromise on for you? Anything at all? If he offers nothing, then it will be very hard for him to defend that position. Marriage is ALL about compromise.
[Post New]10/14/2011 11:19
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Anonymous
Honestly, I see two problems.

1. Your husband is being an ass.

2. You may be "right", but you've made it impossible for him to admit that because of the way you are handling this. He is a guy. Guys need to be right about guy stuff. And generators definitely fall into that category. You could have handled this from the beginning by simply explaining that the generator was making too much noise. You could have offered to help him move it so that the baby could sleep. You could have told him in a very non-confrontational way that the smell is making you sick and that you realize that maybe you are overly sensitive to the fumes, but it is really bothering you. Instead, you chose to make ridiculous threats. And you emasculated him.

Basically, it sounds like two very immature people with absolutely no conflict resolution skills. I've been married 25 years. If you can't solve problems like this without threats and intimidation, your marriage won't last. A generator is nothing compared to the challenges you'll face if in a long term marriage.
[Post New]10/14/2011 11:32
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Anonymous
I don't think this is about the generator.Your relationship is a mess right now. The dynamic sounds like it has gotten pretty toxic. Your husband no longer respects your opinion or input and you emotionally are overreactive and create crisis in how you communicate (threats).

If your husband refuses counseling then keep going on your own and figure out if you can make it work. Sounds like an unhealthy environment (not because of the generator) to raise a child in right now.
[Post New]10/14/2011 13:29
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I truly hate my husband for this. This generator might lead us to a divorce. My priority is the baby and if protecting her health means a divorce than so be it.

How can i get rid of this generator or stop him from using it??? Someone give me some cleve ideas please!!!


Show him what you posted?

See ya!
[Post New]10/14/2011 21:38
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:If it is portable, can you move it yourself? Or hire a handyman to move it?

You really need to ask for compromise. Try again. Your #1 problem is communication. Both of you feel dug in to your positions. Why not try to have a calm conversation, begin by extending an olive branch like having his fav import beer on hand, pour him a cold one and say, I am willing to compromise on this and here is what I want to do for you, since I know this is important to you... then offer x y and z. (I know you already did this, but try again.) Then ask as neutrally and calmly as possible, is there anything he can compromise on for you? Anything at all? If he offers nothing, then it will be very hard for him to defend that position. Marriage is ALL about compromise.


Generator is in the garage right now, but gets moved to out back when lights go out. It's too heavy for me to move.

I tried to offer a compromise with DH and he refused. He says to me "The generator is not going anywhere."
[Post New]10/14/2011 21:41
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Honestly, I see two problems.

1. Your husband is being an ass.

2. You may be "right", but you've made it impossible for him to admit that because of the way you are handling this. He is a guy. Guys need to be right about guy stuff. And generators definitely fall into that category. You could have handled this from the beginning by simply explaining that the generator was making too much noise. You could have offered to help him move it so that the baby could sleep. You could have told him in a very non-confrontational way that the smell is making you sick and that you realize that maybe you are overly sensitive to the fumes, but it is really bothering you. Instead, you chose to make ridiculous threats. And you emasculated him.

Basically, it sounds like two very immature people with absolutely no conflict resolution skills. I've been married 25 years. If you can't solve problems like this without threats and intimidation, your marriage won't last. A generator is nothing compared to the challenges you'll face if in a long term marriage.



this is good advice and so was the PP's advice. I don't feel like he will compromise at all. I have offered several compromise offers and have been turned down. WE fight about this everyday. I have HORRIBLE resentment and its eating me up. I go to therapy, but DH refuses to go. what do I do if DH will not compromise? I don't want to live like this!!
[Post New]10/14/2011 23:18
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Anonymous
Is he like this about other things...before the generator were there times he was this stubborn and refused to listen to you?

Stop fighting about this everyday. You aren't going to get anywhere in terms of compromise by being a nag.
[Post New]10/15/2011 00:46
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I am the OP, I sasid my hubby and I have issues -- I meant we have issues that go beyond the generator. But the generator is about to break us.

My hubby claims he has "read up" on generators and gets mad if I make suggestions like "move it away from the house."

He also bought the generator for himself, not for me and the baby. He bought it for some servers he has running. I have told him I will leave the house if he runs the thing again and he says "OK that's fine." I have asked him NOT to run it and he refuses to listen to me.

It's not that I am putting my marraige at risk b/c of a generator, it's the principle of the issue. I feel like my husband is not listening to me, not making joint financial decisions with me, not respecting me and lastly, I feel he is putting my family at a health risk.

I mean if your whole house reeks of exhaust and you have a baby, would you be concerned?


You said he has clients. One assumes they get pissed if they are offline for a few days. Even if they don't bring in a lot of money he has an obligation to them.
[Post New]10/15/2011 02:55
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Anonymous
He has one client that I know of and it's a good friend. And I am not even sure he is a client. Awhile ago he said that he was thinking about hosting a friend's website. that's it. And if keeping a client's website up and running is really important, then he should tell me that and explain this to me. He has never told me WHY it's so important to keep these servers running. This is all me assuming it's b/c he has some clients???
[Post New]10/16/2011 01:46
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Anonymous
The hurricane was over a month ago and you fight about this every day?

You are cuckoo for cocoa puffs
[Post New]10/16/2011 22:12
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:He has one client that I know of and it's a good friend. And I am not even sure he is a client. Awhile ago he said that he was thinking about hosting a friend's website. that's it. And if keeping a client's website up and running is really important, then he should tell me that and explain this to me. He has never told me WHY it's so important to keep these servers running. This is all me assuming it's b/c he has some clients???


You clearly have issues. I don't know if it is lack of sleep or postpartum depression. But most people do not think that a generator is a direct threat to the life of their child. Mothers on this site have been talking about getting them on here for a few years now. The "you're killing my baby" thing is crazy and he won't compromise because of it.
[Post New]10/17/2011 09:59
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Anonymous
OP has a right to insist on professional installation (assuming this isn't something that's ready out of the box) or to have a second party look at the generator setup.

Those things *can* be dangerous.

On the other hand, OP seems so nutty that I don't think her husband would believe her if she said the sky were blue.
[Post New]10/17/2011 10:20
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Anonymous
OP, there are many problems here. The fact that he bought it without consulting you is a big one.

I would have the fire dept. come in and assess the safety. If they say it's safe I would give in to Husband.

Make sure you have plenty of batteries for the monoxide detectors and plan to stay in the room with the window open like last time. Or plan to go stay with a relative any time there is a weather emergency threatening.

You guys do need therapy to work on your compromise and mutual respect skills. Sorry he wont go That does not bode well. Maybe you could paint it as YOU need help and can he come along to help you? Obviously HE doesn't need therapy.
[Post New]10/19/2011 20:43
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Anonymous
Sell it on Craig's List and have the person pick up when he's not home.
[Post New]10/20/2011 06:44
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ThatSmileyFaceGuy
Member Offline
Anonymous wrote:Sell it on Craig's List and have the person pick up when he's not home.


Certainly, because this is the mature solution.
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