
OP...a few years ago I could have been the one to write this thread. I know completely how you feel. Sometimes I fall back into the pattern of feeling that way, but it's not so bad now.
All I want to say is that there is a light at the end of the tunnel here. Once you dig yourself out of this slump, you'll be glad that you are still alive. What I found is that I had to make some necessary changes in my life in order to find the balance again. I can't tell you what those changes are, but you will figure them out. Chin up, my dear....your life is worth everything. And you owe it to yourself to find that out!! |
The father of a dear friend of mine killed himself when she was a child. It impacted her so deeply that it took until she was well into her 30s to begin to unravel it. Please, I know you have tried and I know you haven't found what works yet, but YOU WILL. Hang in there. |
I really did not mean to be mean and am sorry it sounded that way. I really meant to convey that it was anger that she should try to resolve. And sometimes a bit of reality about where the feelings are coming from and where they could be more healthfully directed is just what one needs to hear. I personally cannot abide being thought of as a coward. And it motivates me turn and face my anguish. Suicide is running from the problem--I think it probably an insult to her intelligence to suggest that she doesn't somehow know that. But let's not attack each other here. I mean to help and I can see that you do too. |
There is no letter you could write that could make it okay for your kids. I know you are suffering and hurting and don't see an end in sight but do you want your children to feel the way you are feeling - that is often the outcome. No other woman will ever be mom the way you are - depressed or not. My friend's mom wrote a similar letter before killing herself, she had convinced herself that my friend and her siblings would be better off without her. They weren't. My friend never recovered form her mom's suicide - no new people who came into her life could ever fill even part of the hole left by her mom's death. her mom's suicide ruined her life too and devastated her siblings. the family fell apart. Call the crisis line. Have you tried ECT? That can help treatment resistant depression. Try a different combination of meds. Fight the pain. Don't give up. |
My mother and I did have that talk, and, as an adult, I considered her to be my best friend. My husband said he could always tell when I was talking to my Mom on the phone, since I would always be laughing (we shared the same sort of dark, sarcastic sense of humor). If she had been in bed because she had cancer, I wouldn't hold that against her. Why should I hold depression against her? It is a disease, not a moral failing. By the same token, if you had cancer, I'm guessing that you wouldn't give up trying to find a treatment that worked. Don't blame yourself, just as you wouldn't blame yourself for getting cancer, but don't give up on this, either. |
OP, I'm currently battling cancer, and I've also considered doing what you are considering doing.. but the thought of my DC not remembering me keeps me going. I am facing surgery that might - or might not - put me in remission, but it will most likely leave me seriously disfigured. Personally, I don't want to live this way, but I have a child to raise, so, for now, I'm choosing to stick around.
OP, I fully understand where you're coming from. Life sometimes can be too much. However, please, try to hang in there. Your children need you! |
Well said. |
My heart goes out to you. I hope you kick cancer in the ass. |
PP, you are so brave. My mom did the same thing you are doing. I know she wanted to give up but she stayed here for me as long as she could. My grandmother had killed herself when my mom was only 10 years old and my mom knew she could never do that to me. I wish you well and hope you get healthy and strong after the surgery. OP, please find the help you need and believe that you are worth saving! Please don't put your kids through the horrible pain my mom suffered believing that her mom didn't love her enough to stick around for her. Your kids need you. They can't possibly be better off without you. |
Big cyber hugs to you, OP. I'm relieved to see you posted after you signed off. There is a lot of good advice and love on this board (well, on your thread anyway), and I pray that you find something positive to focus on tomorrow. Even something small, like a flower in your garden, or the sunny sky, or your DC's face, an uplifting song, or your favorite meal.
You don't like your job. Why not turn your focus to changing your job? Spending day after day doing work that is meaningless to you means you need to do something else! I'd quit my job before I quit being a mom. My best friend's sister killed herself and her son. My best friend has not talked to me or any of our mutual friends since it happened, because she is too depressed to do anything but work and come home and that was nearly 7 years ago. The pain has rippled out to everyone who knows her and nothing positive has come out of it. No one is better off. Please don't do that to your loved ones. Please update us tomorrow, OP. I'm praying for you and will be thinking about you. Hugs, again. |
OP hang in there. We're all rooting and praying for you. Please check back in so we know you are fine. |
thanks for calling me an idiot and stupid for trying to help. I mentioned the exercise addiction merely as an explanation for why my friend gave up trying. When she was injured, she could not exercise anymore and it made her more depressed. Like I said depression is just anger turned inward. |
Depression is far more than just "anger turned inward.". It's a disease. A chemical imbalance in the brain. It's not the result of misdirecting your feelings. It's not a personality flaw or a moral failure. It is an illness that no one chooses. Like pneumonia. Or diabetes. Or cancer. |
A big thank you to the community for the support. Things seem a bit better in the morning light. I have turned my mind and recommitted to staying around for my kids.
I've scheduled a consultation with my orthopedist. I need knee surgery and postponing it and continuing to deny it is only keeping me in a world of frustration and pain. I think Zumba is right about looking for another job, which is something else I have postponed out of fear that I may not succeed. I just need a change. I'm sure people here can relate to the idea of 80% of the work getting done in 20% of the time. Inevitably, the down time comes and the thoughts set in. I end up dwelling on the loss of my friend: Apportioning blame, feeling regret, alternating between feelings of rage and a strong desire to forgive and be forgiven. Mourning a loss that cannot be filled, and knowing that all of this introspection is getting me absolutely nowhere. Song lyrics can be so cliche, but I think Don Henley had a point: I've been trying to get down To the heart of the matter But everything changes And my thoughts seem to scatter But I think it's about forgiveness (forgiveness) Even if (even if) you don't love me anymore... You know people in your life They'll come and go They'll put you down You know they'll hurt your pride You better put it all behind you Cause life goes on You keep carrying that anger It'll eat you up inside. I've been trying to get down To the heart of the matter But my flesh gets weak And my friends seems to scatter But I think it's about forgiveness Even if you don't love me anymore. |
I had a mother who had some issues with depression. I don't think she ever medicated for it - it was a different time, and meds weren't really as easily available then. She got ALS when I was 13 and died when I was 16. I miss her a lot. I would rather have had her in her sometimes-depressed state than not have her at all. Trust me, your kids would miss you. Chances are, a lot of people would. I think a suicide would leave much more survivor guilt than death from an illness; you'd be burdening them with that.
Get some help - find a good psychiatrist and get some meds. There are so many options out there and I have friends who have found the right thing and are much happier. it's worth putting in the time and energy. |