Do You ThiNk It Could Make Sense To Kill Yourself?

[Anonymous]

I wish I knew how to explain this.

My life feels like a lot of cyclical work with very little joy.

When I was dating/married to my husband things were better. I had a life worth living. After kids, friends dried up and the time I have with husband and quality of that time plummeted.

I love my kids. I used to want to stay alive for them, but sometimes I honestly feel that they would be better off without a depressed mother.

Attempts at therapy/meds tried and failed.

I lost my best friend a few months ago. It's very lonely.

I also have a physical injury that causes me chronic pain and takes its toll.

Work is a bore.

I just feel as though I am this big hole, and everything keeps falling into me.

I don't like waking up to start my day.

I no longer feel that, on balance, I am worth much to society or to anyone.

I wonder if it may make sense to just end it, because I can't seem to make it better.

If I saw an animal in this much pain I would shoot it.

[Anonymous]

No, I don't think it could make sense. You say that attempts at therapy and meds have failed. Make another attempt. Consider all of the things that would change for your children if you took your own life and left them on their own.
Please get help - somewhere other than dcum.

[Anonymous]

No because I'd miss you!

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry you are feeling this way and I say this because I can relate and it is so painful.

Life certainly does change after you have kids and for many of us - work is very unfulfilling. There are a lot of people out there that feel unfulfilled, but not as many that have it take over their emotions to the point where you start thinking about killing yourself.

I would never kill myself, but I have thought about it (fortunately, my moods change frequently enough that I never have time to go beyond a sob session wondering what if).

I too have wondered if my child would be better off without a depressed mother and I realized that no - losing a mother can have a huge negative impact on a child. What I decided to do was fake it in front of my child and actually have fun with her. it is hard to explain, but rather than "blame" the kid for contributing to my unfulfilling life, I will turn it around and have a new kind of fun...with my kid. It also helps for me to make sure i have something fun to do each weekend, when I typically find myself moping and letting my depression get the best of me. This helps a lot as I found myself very sad yesterday because my family had nothing to do. It didn't help that I kept thinking that the long weekend was ending and I had to go back to work. As for the chronic pain - I am sure you have looked into it, but if there are ways to relieve the pain (and I highly recommend acupuncture) - then this is a key first step. Living in pain can skew anyone's perceptions.

[Anonymous]

OP,

what you are feeling is what your depression is doing to you and you cannot trust those feelings. Your children would never be the same people they should be if you were to kill yourself. You need to go right now and tell someone in real life that you are feeling the way you are feeling. You need compassion and help.

The answer to your question is no, no, no.

[Anonymous]

No practical advice, OP, but lots of best wishes.

I second the suggestion that you should involve some help from someone to whom you're not anonymous.

[Anonymous]

Killing yourself won't end your suffering - it will just transfer it onto your kids. A parent's suicide is pretty traumatic and puts your kids at much higher risk of mental illness and suicide. The feeling of they'd be better off without me is part of the depression. Is growing up with a depressed parent fun - no it isn't but it is still a thousand times better than going through a parent's suicide and having no mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No practical advice, OP, but lots of best wishes.

I second the suggestion that you should involve some help from someone to whom you're not anonymous.

Same poster again. I mean to say that although we care, only people who know how to contact you in real life can intervene.

[Anonymous]

OP - do you want to meet for coffee? You are missing a friend and although we don't know each other, I can offer a sympathetic ear (I have been where you are).

[Anonymous]

Your kids could never live with the guilt.

So don't be selfish. Get more help from someone else.

[Anonymous]

Get thee to a doctor and talk to them. You may feel like you're under a weight right now but please get help, it gets better.

[Anonymous]

OP, it is very difficult for me to read your words, but I understand that you are suffering very very much. Please find someone that you can talk to (a clergy, friend, hotline) and if you EVER EVER feel like you think you may attempt to take you life, please call 911 ASAP. Someone will help you. You sound very depressed and there is so much going on in your life that those feelings can be very overwhelming, but please please get help.

One of my best friend's killed herself about six weeks ago. I posted on this forum about it and to this day, I think of her every single day. She left behind a husband and a child. This has totally shattered their world including the devastation suffered by friends and family members. Nobody is better off without her and nobody will be better off without you - EVER. You mean a lot to many people and even if, at this point, you may not think so, I'm sure that you do. Depression is a terrible illness and it takes a lot of work to treat, but you can get better and I hope that you seek the help to live the beautiful life that you were given. I hope that you get the help that you so much deserve so that one day, you will look back at this and be so happy that you did not choose to end it all.

[Anonymous]

I too am in chronic pain and I am bipolar but suffer mostly from the depression end. I can't take antidepressants because they cause mania in the beginning and the depression is then much worse. I had thoughts of harming (not killing) myself so I would have a reason to not participate in my life.

I saw a psychiatric nurse and she put me on several medications. Neurontin works for pain and anxiety, Buspar and Lamictal. It was pretty sad that I had to take three medications but they really have made a dramatic difference in my life. I felt connected to my life for the first time in years and I am a much better mother to my children. Don't get me wrong, I still have my down days, but they aren't as bad as they used to be.

I suggest you seek treatment again. They may need to try a few different meds but there should be something out there that will work for you. You just need to be willing to work at it. I would also suggest talk therapy to accompany the meds, a good exercise routine, and find a hobby that you love.

Know that your children's lives will be even worse without you in it. Killing yourself really doesn't solve anything and it ruins the lives of those who love you the most. Suicide is the most selfish thing someone could ever do.

Call the suicide prevention hotline now. Don't wait. Your kids need you.
1-800-273-8255

[Anonymous]

As a grown woman whose mother died when I was a young child, I can tell you that your children will not be better off without their mom...depressed or not, they love you, need you, and think the world of you. You are loved, you just can't see it right now...Sending you a hug right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your kids could never live with the guilt.

So don't be selfish. Get more help from someone else.

I've drafted and re-drafted a long letter to them explaining that it is not their fault.

Selfish maybe. But I often think of my husband finding someone better once I am gone. A woman wHo will be better for him and for them.