Smoking MIL

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[Post New]06/02/2011 10:50
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:See, OP. It has nothing to do with smoking. You don't like your MIL, and you don't want her to be a part of your child's life. If she weren't a smoker, you would be on here trying to wave other pitchforks and torches to get people on your side.

What does this mean: " was a terrible mother who is trying to make up for it with my child.....Not happening."

So people don't deserve second chances?

Perhaps your MIL thought a small break while she smoked would give you time to calm down your daughter before present time started? Doesn't sound like much fun to open presents at the beginning of meltdown.


I'm not going into the entire history, but MIL was a teenmom, who then abandoned DH at 12 moving across the country, came back and blamed DH for it all saying he was a bad kid. Their relationship is fake (in fact he doesn't care for her much). So now she's trying to make up for lost time with my DD....there is so much more to it. I'm not going into it, but I don't want my daughter around a smoker. She saw some of her cigarette butts and now loves to point them all out on the street.

DD was not completely freaking out before present time, but I as a parent saw the beginning signs of it. Going out to smoke was purely selfish.

Do I want her to be a part of my DD's life, sure, but I have to be there to supervise. She's a terrible influence, and I've seen her "watch" friends kids before as she was drunk in a bowling alley and the 9 month old was about to crawl down the lane when I grabbed him. She wasn't even paying attention. This was before I had any kids.....but that was a preview. So i'm fine with her being in her life, but not without my supervision.
[Post New]06/02/2011 10:51
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We all know smoking is an addiction, but it also affects the health of anyone around a smoker while smoking or not (3rd hand smoke). My son has asthma and I wouldn't leave him with someone who smoked frequently.


Yes. Agreed. But exposure once in a blue moon to a woman who smokes one cigarette an hour outside is not going to send OP's DD to an oxygen tank.


One cigg an hour seems like an awful lot to me! I feel like there are a lot of smokers on this post trying to convince themselves that their habit isn't poisoning their children. My grandpa smoked for years and guess what? He and my grandma died of cancer. By the time they caught it, it was spread too far. So go ahead and smoke your cancer sticks. I'm with you OP. I wouldn't let my child be at someone's house if they smoked. Unless she takes a shower every time she has a smoke, your MIL is bringing those toxins into the house.
[Post New]06/02/2011 10:51
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP--I suspect your are stacking the deck against your MIL here.

While your MIL may be the adult here, and smoking is totally gross, your follow up post leads me to believe that you believe your daughter is the most important thing in the universe.

I think you may be using the smoking as a convenient excuse to shut out your MIL from babysitting.

Remember, you do not have to like your MIL nor does she have to be a perfect human being for her to be a good grandparent.



In what way do I make it seem like my DD is the most important thing in the world? I personally think that when everyone involved is ready to open presents and pretty much done then the evening needs to move forward. I don't care that smoking is an addiction. Her addiction shouldn't be my problem. I never asked her to pick up cigarettes AGAIN! If you are the addict (we're not talking about drugs here people - cigarettes) and the one with the problem then you have to work around it instead of making everyone else suffer. My MIL has never babysat my daughter and until my daughter is at least 10 can can call me to come pick her up she's not staying there. Over my dead body. I just wanted some opinions on what others would do. And I do realize I don't have to like my MIL, and I don't, but I also don't think that someone that is so self-involved makes a good grandparent. When you start to see meltdown (from a child that rarely does) then it's no longer about you and what you want or someone's addictions. It's about taking care of that child's needs and doing what is necessary to get them to bed. A grandparent that doesn't see that isn't a good one. I believe that being a parent you have to become selfless. Even if you're somewhere and having fun, but it's past DC's bedtime and they are melting then you pick yourself up and go home. It's called parenting.,.....BTW- MIL was a terrible mother who is trying to make up for it with my child.....Not happening.


OP, just going to mention here that my MIL and FIL are fabulous grandparents. So helpful and just all-around great. But we're constantly reminding them about bedtime needs. We now give them more warning about bedtime than our kid. Its like "ok grandparents, time to start winding down toward bedtime." And even after these warnings, they still get going with over-excited play and ramp up the kid.

Being a grandparent is different than being a parent. Its sort of their prerogative to enjoy the good times and let the parents worry about keeping the schedule and enforcing rules and all that.

Also, our generation's parenting style has certainly gone more towards bending everyone's schedule (and lifestyle) to meet the kids needs, so that might match her instincts.
[Post New]06/02/2011 10:53
Anonymous
OP--whatever. If sh eis such a horrible person, then fine, limit exposure. But to come on here and use the she is a smoker canard"= and the "oh no! my daughter points out cigarette butts on the street" nonsense is just disingenuous.

I wager you know people would suggest you try to work out the other issues, so you tried to find a hill you could die on--after all, everyone knows smokers are evil!
[Post New]06/02/2011 10:55
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP--whatever. If sh eis such a horrible person, then fine, limit exposure. But to come on here and use the she is a smoker canard"= and the "oh no! my daughter points out cigarette butts on the street" nonsense is just disingenuous.

I wager you know people would suggest you try to work out the other issues, so you tried to find a hill you could die on--after all, everyone knows smokers are evil!


Wow! DCUMers defending smokers! Who knew?
[Post New]06/02/2011 10:55
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We all know smoking is an addiction, but it also affects the health of anyone around a smoker while smoking or not (3rd hand smoke). My son has asthma and I wouldn't leave him with someone who smoked frequently.


Yes. Agreed. But exposure once in a blue moon to a woman who smokes one cigarette an hour outside is not going to send OP's DD to an oxygen tank.


One cigg an hour seems like an awful lot to me! I feel like there are a lot of smokers on this post trying to convince themselves that their habit isn't poisoning their children. My grandpa smoked for years and guess what? He and my grandma died of cancer. By the time they caught it, it was spread too far. So go ahead and smoke your cancer sticks. I'm with you OP. I wouldn't let my child be at someone's house if they smoked. Unless she takes a shower every time she has a smoke, your MIL is bringing those toxins into the house.



I don't smoke, never have, but I have this little thing called perspective and rationality. The odds of your child getting cancer from being exposed to smoke on clothes are ridiculous. There are dangerous toxins in the air and the nasty chemicals and air fresheners people use in their homes. Spending time with a person who smokes away from the child is not going to have any permanent damage.
[Post New]06/02/2011 10:58
Anonymous
If you MIL quit smoking, would you let her spend more time with DD? If so, I would use this as a "carrot" for motivating her to quit smoking. If not, then I have to agree with PPs that the smoking might be a convenient excuse to limit MIL's time with DD. No judgment, here, though. She doesn't sound like someone I'd want my DD spending time with.
[Post New]06/02/2011 11:07
Anonymous
OP, you're blowing this out of proportion. Yes, there are deep-seeded issues, but you married someone who has and wants to maintain a relationship with his family. If your husband can get past it, so should you. The problem is simple to solve. Just don't have her babysit. If you don't want to be on her turf, graciously invite her over to visit the baby in your home for a couple hours. Ask her to wash her hands after smoking, before handling the child.

BTW, I'm repulsed by smoking and come from a family of smokers, AND I despise my MIL. The point is you sometimes have to compromise. I put up with my husband's family, because he puts up with mine. Establish some boundaries, and just try to get along.
[Post New]06/02/2011 11:53
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP--I suspect your are stacking the deck against your MIL here.

While your MIL may be the adult here, and smoking is totally gross, your follow up post leads me to believe that you believe your daughter is the most important thing in the universe.

I think you may be using the smoking as a convenient excuse to shut out your MIL from babysitting.

Remember, you do not have to like your MIL nor does she have to be a perfect human being for her to be a good grandparent.



In what way do I make it seem like my DD is the most important thing in the world? I personally think that when everyone involved is ready to open presents and pretty much done then the evening needs to move forward. I don't care that smoking is an addiction. Her addiction shouldn't be my problem. I never asked her to pick up cigarettes AGAIN! If you are the addict (we're not talking about drugs here people - cigarettes) and the one with the problem then you have to work around it instead of making everyone else suffer. My MIL has never babysat my daughter and until my daughter is at least 10 can can call me to come pick her up she's not staying there. Over my dead body. I just wanted some opinions on what others would do. And I do realize I don't have to like my MIL, and I don't, but I also don't think that someone that is so self-involved makes a good grandparent. When you start to see meltdown (from a child that rarely does) then it's no longer about you and what you want or someone's addictions. It's about taking care of that child's needs and doing what is necessary to get them to bed. A grandparent that doesn't see that isn't a good one. I believe that being a parent you have to become selfless. Even if you're somewhere and having fun, but it's past DC's bedtime and they are melting then you pick yourself up and go home. It's called parenting.,.....BTW- MIL was a terrible mother who is trying to make up for it with my child.....Not happening.


What can one say to you, the DIL from hell. I don't blame her for smoking because then she can get away from you. She couldn't have been all that bad a mother if you, Miss Wonderful and Perfect Mother, married her son.
[Post New]06/02/2011 12:10
cuzimawesome
Member Offline
Anonymous wrote:OP here- I failed to mention that smoking or maybe being self absorbed wins over everything else around her. At our little pre-xmas dinner my DD was about done because it was way after her bedtime and MIL said she wasn't ready to open presents because she needed to go outside and have a cigarette. REALLY? So smoking was more important that my child who was about to meltdown. Everything has to be on her time including having a smoke when she wants it.


You obviously do not understand addiction.
[Post New]06/02/2011 12:13
Anonymous
cuzimawesome wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here- I failed to mention that smoking or maybe being self absorbed wins over everything else around her. At our little pre-xmas dinner my DD was about done because it was way after her bedtime and MIL said she wasn't ready to open presents because she needed to go outside and have a cigarette. REALLY? So smoking was more important that my child who was about to meltdown. Everything has to be on her time including having a smoke when she wants it.


You obviously do not understand addiction.


What else is new on the DCUM?
[Post New]06/02/2011 12:24
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP--I suspect your are stacking the deck against your MIL here.

While your MIL may be the adult here, and smoking is totally gross, your follow up post leads me to believe that you believe your daughter is the most important thing in the universe.

I think you may be using the smoking as a convenient excuse to shut out your MIL from babysitting.

Remember, you do not have to like your MIL nor does she have to be a perfect human being for her to be a good grandparent.



In what way do I make it seem like my DD is the most important thing in the world? I personally think that when everyone involved is ready to open presents and pretty much done then the evening needs to move forward. I don't care that smoking is an addiction. Her addiction shouldn't be my problem. I never asked her to pick up cigarettes AGAIN! If you are the addict (we're not talking about drugs here people - cigarettes) and the one with the problem then you have to work around it instead of making everyone else suffer. My MIL has never babysat my daughter and until my daughter is at least 10 can can call me to come pick her up she's not staying there. Over my dead body. I just wanted some opinions on what others would do. And I do realize I don't have to like my MIL, and I don't, but I also don't think that someone that is so self-involved makes a good grandparent. When you start to see meltdown (from a child that rarely does) then it's no longer about you and what you want or someone's addictions. It's about taking care of that child's needs and doing what is necessary to get them to bed. A grandparent that doesn't see that isn't a good one. I believe that being a parent you have to become selfless. Even if you're somewhere and having fun, but it's past DC's bedtime and they are melting then you pick yourself up and go home. It's called parenting.,.....BTW- MIL was a terrible mother who is trying to make up for it with my child.....Not happening.


What can one say to you, the DIL from hell. I don't blame her for smoking because then she can get away from you. She couldn't have been all that bad a mother if you, Miss Wonderful and Perfect Mother, married her son.


I can't deny that I'm a wonderful mother and I married my husband because he was raised by his dad and that entire side of the family (who are all wonderful). I probably would have run in the other direction if he was actually raised by his mom.
[Post New]06/02/2011 12:31
Anonymous
I think what many people have misunderstood is that yes I do hate smoking. I grew up with my dad and much older brother smoking around me 24/7 (before we knew all about second hand smoke being bad) and I now have asthma, but that's besides the point. My point is how well can she watch my daughter if she's outside having a smoke? If no one else is in the house what will my DD be doing by herself in there?

I have no problem having her over to our house to play with DD or going over there to play while me or my DH are around. My only problem is leaving my DD alone with her. I asked her to watch my DD once when she was at our house so I could get some cleaning done. Next thing I know she's on her cell phone and DD is playing with a plugged in vacuum cord totally unsupervised. So I've given this woman a chance and FAIL!

If she quit smoking and proved to me that she would be responsible I wouldn't have a problem with her watching my DD for a few hours, but until that happens I will remain the "daughter in law from hell" (as spoken by clearly some horrible MIL whose DIL can't stand her). At the same time I don't see a woman who was recently quoted as saying "I can't even be responsible to keep a plant alive" nbeing ready to stay with my DD alone.
[Post New]06/02/2011 12:40
Anonymous
"I have no problem having her over to our house to play with DD or going over there to play while me or my DH are around. My only problem is leaving my DD alone with her. I asked her to watch my DD once when she was at our house so I could get some cleaning done. Next thing I know she's on her cell phone and DD is playing with a plugged in vacuum cord totally unsupervised. So I've given this woman a chance and FAIL!

If she quit smoking and proved to me that she would be responsible I wouldn't have a problem with her watching my DD for a few hours, but until that happens I will remain the "daughter in law from hell" (as spoken by clearly some horrible MIL whose DIL can't stand her). At the same time I don't see a woman who was recently quoted as saying "I can't even be responsible to keep a plant alive" nbeing ready to stay with my DD alone. "

OP - Why the fock did you start this thread? Looking for attention? Sheesh.
[Post New]06/02/2011 12:47
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:"I have no problem having her over to our house to play with DD or going over there to play while me or my DH are around. My only problem is leaving my DD alone with her. I asked her to watch my DD once when she was at our house so I could get some cleaning done. Next thing I know she's on her cell phone and DD is playing with a plugged in vacuum cord totally unsupervised. So I've given this woman a chance and FAIL!

If she quit smoking and proved to me that she would be responsible I wouldn't have a problem with her watching my DD for a few hours, but until that happens I will remain the "daughter in law from hell" (as spoken by clearly some horrible MIL whose DIL can't stand her). At the same time I don't see a woman who was recently quoted as saying "I can't even be responsible to keep a plant alive" nbeing ready to stay with my DD alone. "

OP - Why the fock did you start this thread? Looking for attention? Sheesh.


A$$hole- I started it to see what others thought of leaving a child alone with a MIL who goes outside to smoke. Who would do it and wouldn't and what their thoughts are on it. THANKS.
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