Smoking MIL

[Anonymous]

Just wondering....if any of you have a MIL that smokes at least 1 cigarette an hour. Would you ever leave your kid with her? What would your toddler be doing while she's outside smoking? I'm personally completely against it, but not sure DH is totally opposed. My DD is 2.5 and I'm just not willing to leave her there at any point. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I'm with you: dealbreaker. On so many levels.

[Anonymous]

My own mom smokes. Two packs a day or more. She looked after our daughter for the first few months of her life. She smoked outdoors during naps and chewed nicotine gum indoors. At her house, she does not smoke while we are around indoors. She does go outside to smoke. We no longer leave her over at my mom's for different reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you: dealbreaker. On so many levels.

Ditto, but be prepared for your MIL to hate your guts. It is an addiction. What's up with your DH?

[Anonymous]

OP here- I failed to mention that smoking or maybe being self absorbed wins over everything else around her. At our little pre-xmas dinner my DD was about done because it was way after her bedtime and MIL said she wasn't ready to open presents because she needed to go outside and have a cigarette. REALLY? So smoking was more important that my child who was about to meltdown. Everything has to be on her time including having a smoke when she wants it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you: dealbreaker. On so many levels.

Ditto, but be prepared for your MIL to hate your guts. It is an addiction. What's up with your DH?

DH says he'd rather leave her with my MIL than pay someone to watch DD if we ever really needed it - say if we had to go to an adult only wedding.

[Anonymous]

Seems to me that your dd would go outside with her grandmother when she smoked. I would be ok with that. Your MIL is not ideal as a role model in that way, but hey, no one's perfect. I wouldn't want that issue to get in the way of them having a close/strong relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- I failed to mention that smoking or maybe being self absorbed wins over everything else around her. At our little pre-xmas dinner my DD was about done because it was way after her bedtime and MIL said she wasn't ready to open presents because she needed to go outside and have a cigarette. REALLY? So smoking was more important that my child who was about to meltdown. Everything has to be on her time including having a smoke when she wants it.

The #1 priority of an addict is their next fix.
DH should handle this.

[Anonymous]

OP--I suspect your are stacking the deck against your MIL here.

While your MIL may be the adult here, and smoking is totally gross, your follow up post leads me to believe that you believe your daughter is the most important thing in the universe.

I think you may be using the smoking as a convenient excuse to shut out your MIL from babysitting.

Remember, you do not have to like your MIL nor does she have to be a perfect human being for her to be a good grandparent.

[Anonymous]

OP is there any guarantee that your MIL will not smoke in the house when she is alone with DD? If not, you have your answer.

[Anonymous]

We all know smoking is an addiction, but it also affects the health of anyone around a smoker while smoking or not (3rd hand smoke). My son has asthma and I wouldn't leave him with someone who smoked frequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP--I suspect your are stacking the deck against your MIL here.

While your MIL may be the adult here, and smoking is totally gross, your follow up post leads me to believe that you believe your daughter is the most important thing in the universe.

I think you may be using the smoking as a convenient excuse to shut out your MIL from babysitting.

Remember, you do not have to like your MIL nor does she have to be a perfect human being for her to be a good grandparent.

In what way do I make it seem like my DD is the most important thing in the world? I personally think that when everyone involved is ready to open presents and pretty much done then the evening needs to move forward. I don't care that smoking is an addiction. Her addiction shouldn't be my problem. I never asked her to pick up cigarettes AGAIN! If you are the addict (we're not talking about drugs here people - cigarettes) and the one with the problem then you have to work around it instead of making everyone else suffer. My MIL has never babysat my daughter and until my daughter is at least 10 can can call me to come pick her up she's not staying there. Over my dead body. I just wanted some opinions on what others would do. And I do realize I don't have to like my MIL, and I don't, but I also don't think that someone that is so self-involved makes a good grandparent. When you start to see meltdown (from a child that rarely does) then it's no longer about you and what you want or someone's addictions. It's about taking care of that child's needs and doing what is necessary to get them to bed. A grandparent that doesn't see that isn't a good one. I believe that being a parent you have to become selfless. Even if you're somewhere and having fun, but it's past DC's bedtime and they are melting then you pick yourself up and go home. It's called parenting.,.....BTW- MIL was a terrible mother who is trying to make up for it with my child.....Not happening.

[Anonymous]

See, OP. It has nothing to do with smoking. You don't like your MIL, and you don't want her to be a part of your child's life. If she weren't a smoker, you would be on here trying to wave other pitchforks and torches to get people on your side.

What does this mean: " was a terrible mother who is trying to make up for it with my child.....Not happening."

So people don't deserve second chances?

Perhaps your MIL thought a small break while she smoked would give you time to calm down your daughter before present time started? Doesn't sound like much fun to open presents at the beginning of meltdown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is there any guarantee that your MIL will not smoke in the house when she is alone with DD? If not, you have your answer.

A guarantee? Few things in life are guaranteed. Can you guarantee that a caretaker won't feed your kid something you don't want them to have, or are allergic to? Can you guarantee that a caretaker won't use some kind of bad judgement? No. You discuss your expectations, lay down the "law" on issues that are most important to you, and then go from there.

Sounds like this woman is willing to smoke outside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We all know smoking is an addiction, but it also affects the health of anyone around a smoker while smoking or not (3rd hand smoke). My son has asthma and I wouldn't leave him with someone who smoked frequently.

Yes. Agreed. But exposure once in a blue moon to a woman who smokes one cigarette an hour outside is not going to send OP's DD to an oxygen tank.