After struggling with infertility, finally pregnant, husband not interested to see ultrasound

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[Post New]01/18/2011 21:32
Anonymous
OP here - I really enjoyed reading all of your posts - even the nasty one that later ended up making me feel so bad about how things turned out for me in life, that I cried. Yes - i wish I could have gotten pregnant younger, but I had a Gyn I trusted and notonce in the 3 years of trying did he realize that I had PCOS that was preventing me from ovulating. The odds of me getting pregnant back then were pretty small. I didn't want to resort to fertility treatments, but since he couldn't figure out why I couldn't get pregnant, he suggested it and after several tests, the diagnosis was made. It was me, not my husband.

Once we had our first, it was a rough first few months and decided that one was just fine for us. But, outsiders always questioned this decision and how wrong it was not to gie our child a sibling. I tried to ignore the comments, but one day, and I knew this day would come, my child asked why she didn't have a sister. It brole my heart and at that time, whether my reasoning was rational or not, I considered it. Except for my age, we were at a good point in our lives, relatively ok financially and enjoying parenthood much more than I thought I would. I broached the subject with my husband and he first questioned my age, but then said he would so whatever I wanted (not quite the answer I wanted to hear). I asked him again several days later and he said we should go for it.

He was more involved with pregancy #1, but that was easier - once we realized what the problem was, it didn't take long to get pregnant. But, he still didn't "respect" the pregancy like I hoped he would. My third trimester was uncomfortable and he'd nver be the one to rub my feet or run out to Wendy's to get me the Frosty I was craving. I guess I had an idealistic view of how I would be treated. I was still out there shoveling snow and carryingloads of laundry upa dn down the stairs with no offer from him to help. Sure - I may be selfish to expect this, but I was the one that had to deal with all the fertility treatments and then the uncomfortable pregancy.

He is a great dad, but like so many other discussions on the board, I feel like I have taken on the lions share of child rearing. I handle the daycare stuff, doctor stuff, laundry, setting up the playdates, and am usually the one to give a bath, play with her and make her food. We fight about this alot - he feels he does plenty and I disagree. We can't get past this so I just suck it up and keep doing the lins share of the child rearing.

So, I started fertlity tratments and he just seemed so aloof about evrything. He never asked about my almost daily monitoring visits to the RE adn he just seemd disinterested, so I never brought anything up. Pretty quickly, I got pregnant. I didn't know how to tell him because I didn't want to know his reaction. I waited a week to tell him while I was at the beach. he was happy but mad I didn't tell him sooner. Yes - that was my fault totally. It was soon after that I realized that the pregnancy wasn't viable, but it takes awhile before the RE can make a firm diagnosis. My husband is aloof and I am just so sad. The day it was confirmed that there wasn't a heartbeat, i cried and he was sympathetic for several days after. I was miserable - my dream was shot and I was only getting older. Fast forward to about 12 weeks when I had the miscarriage. RE suggested I go natural and it just took forever. Imagine carrying a deceased baby for 6 weeks. It was brutal. Then the miscarriage happened. I am not positive he knew I left the room to go downstairs and be the martyr and suffer. I am pretty sure he knew, but I couldn't prove it. It is possible as another poster mentioned, that he realized around 5am that I wasn't in bed and just came donw. But, he must have known because that was the first question he asked me. It is possible he just didn't know what to do and when I said that I was going to stay on the couch, he didn't know what to do and went back to bed. As others have noted, our communication is bad.

So I decided to jump back on and try one last time with an IVF. I had no idea how painful and emotionally draining the process was. Every day, after taking pills and giving me shots, I would ask myself if I was crazy and to just let my dream go. I cursed the fact that I didn't get pregnant younger and hated the fact that I had to resort to artificial technology to get me pregnat. It didn't feel right to me and I was angry and bitter. I cried many times. Why did my life turn out this way. I actually did go for therapy but stopped after one session when the therapist wasn't supportive of my initial decision to stick with one child (this was right after the miscarriage).

I founds this thread become interesting as it evolved into a discussion between men and women. While I agree that most (not all) men have gender specific communication styles, I do agree that it seem like men tend to be more clueless than women. I can list several examples: I was gone for one week on business and he kept forgetting to make her lunch at night and never gave her a bath. He also forgot to drop off the daycare check. What is routine for me requires constant reminders for him, He isn't intuitive about needs. Plus - I told him ahead of time that the check has to be dropped off and he should certainly know by now that the kid needs baths and lunch. Another example - I stopped cleaning the house and even though he didn't realiuze the sheets were months old (I started slepping inthe guest room because I wound up with the flu abotu the same time) and that there were dust bunnies everywhere, he did notice th constant clutter and complained. I told him I stopped cleaning and if you take a look around the house you will notice everything I do that you take for granted. Of cousre, this led to WW3.

I don't know where I am going with this - it is almost like a therapy session for me and it feels good to get it all out. I jstarted this thread becasue I was so surprised that he didn't even feign interest in going to the ultrasound. He may be hurting, but he doesn't seem like it and never said anything to me, but still, suck it up and at least pretend you are interested. I am thankful for your responses - they opened up my eyes and help me realize that I was selfish in some regards, but still have the right to be mad. I'll see if he remembers my appt of friday and if he says anything.
[Post New]01/18/2011 21:50
Anonymous
OP, I think your husband and mine were separated at birth. I do think 'clueless' is right on, but also a little too generous. Like you said, I think he probably is aware that children eat lunch and bathe at this point. And you reminded him. So I cannot help but come to the conclusion that it is not so much 'clueless' as 'apathetic' and 'unwilling'. If a man wrote your post, would we say that she was 'clueless' or would we say its pretty clear she didn't feel like making lunch or bathing the children? Our mothers and grandmothers fought for women to be able to participate fully in life on an equal basis w/ men and thus be held to the same standards as men. We stepped up and we do (and still are paid less but that's another thread). Now, its time for 'men's liberation'. Men need to be afforded the same responsibilities and be held to the same standards as women. Enough with dismissing mens' domestic failings as being 'just the way men are'. I for one am sick of it. We women long ago got over being the 'fairer' sex. We no longer 'swoon' and we no longer play the part of the 'weaker sex'. Men are now taking that role. And we're encouraging it. How f-d up is that?
[Post New]01/20/2011 03:13
polarboogie
Member Offline
There is no way I can possibly read all of the responses to your original post, but I will say that I am having a similar experience. It isn't that my DH is being completely uninvolved the second time around but he has only been to one appt - the big sono to identify gender. He sometimes puts his hand on my stomach but I can count on one hand how often he has done this. He just isn't an overly affectionate man (unless it involves grabbing my butt - hehe.) In the ten years we have been together, he just doesn't like to discuss the hard things, kwim? He is the king of avoidance and perhaps this is your DH's way of not getting too close. As far as the role that IVF played in conception, I can't speak to that because I haven't been there.

Just keep trying to include him as much as you can. It's a hard time for everyone. And since you are older, is there a chance you might land on bedrest? If that is the case, then he will have to deal with a dose of reality. I am and while DH wasn't super interested in updates from my OB before, he sure is now, especially since he's waiting on me and the 3yo all the time. I am blessed that he is so kind and patient but I also think he's getting a dose of karma.

And some men, they just aren't as verbal. And well, you are pregnant. Women are more sensitive in general, let alone when the pregnant hormones kick in. My 2nd pregnancy has been completely different from the first and it has certainly taken some effort for me to bite my tongue on more than one occasion because things bug me now that would have never bugged me before.

Good luck! I really do hope he comes around.
[Post New]01/20/2011 03:40
Anonymous
OP, Everything you describe makes it clear that your husband did not want a second child but felt that he could not deny your request. He is insensitive about your pregnancy pain and complications because he thinks secretly: "You brought this on yourself. I warned you."

The big question is whether his resentment will diminish with time or fester and prove fatally toxic to your marriage. I think you deluded yourself, as so many of us do, OP, but I do not think you were selfish.
[Post New]01/20/2011 07:48
Anonymous
Your husband has told you what the problem is.
[Post New]01/20/2011 07:56
Anonymous
OP- prepare to become a single mother.

Why don't people believe their spouses?????
[Post New]01/20/2011 08:01
Anonymous
"I really do hope he comes around."

Hope is not a plan.
[Post New]01/20/2011 08:57
Anonymous
I have sat at the kitchen table, next to DH, crying over *our* infertility and he has continued to read on his laptop. DH is a sweet, sensitive guy, actually very caring, but 'in the moment' he shuts down and cannot react. We call it the deer in the headlights. I hate it, my therapist hates it, he hates it. What we do is I leave him a note, voice mail, call him or email and say, "I need you to hold me tonight when I cry, to sit w/ me while we hear the latest verdict from the clinic, to tell me you still love me and want a family with me." And he does. When he's sad - and this has beena long journey for us - he holes up and doesn't want anyone around him. So comforting me is a complete 180 from what he perceives as caring. If I'm in crisis - which you clearly were - then I need to turn to someone else. But if I can prepare him, he's the best. HTH.

P.S. For my DH it is not a gender issue. He's a slow to react kind of person.
[Post New]01/20/2011 10:15
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Your husband has told you what the problem is.


Some angry, bitter people here on this board.
[Post New]01/20/2011 10:30
Anonymous
"P.S. For my DH it is not a gender issue. He's a slow to react kind of person. "

Is that father material?
[Post New]01/20/2011 10:35
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Your husband has told you what the problem is.


Some angry, bitter people here on this board.



Telling someone the truth does not make them angry or bitter. If you read the OP's second post, it's pretty obvious what the problem is. OP doesn't want to hear it or see it. Sure, this PP could have phrased it a little more nicely--but it doesn't sound to me like the OP wants to hear it. She even dropped her therapist for "not being supportive". Code for not agreeing with OP's way of seeing things.
[Post New]01/20/2011 10:39
Anonymous
I actually did go for therapy but stopped after one session when the therapist wasn't supportive of my initial decision to stick with one child (this was right after the miscarriage).



Because your therapist, like probably many who read this, can see pretty clearly that your husband didn't want a second child. That it is clearly leading to big problems in your relationship. That having other people tell you that you "should have more for the sake of your child" (utter nonsense, by the way) is no reason to have more. Your decision making in this case certainly comes across as flawed, and you clearly don't want to hear it. Your husband agreed to it for your sake. While that doesn't necessarily justify some of his actions, it certainly explains his indifference.
[Post New]01/20/2011 10:51
Anonymous
Actually, it sounds like the therapist was not supportive of having just one child.

But anyway, I agree with the others--OP, your husband is telling you in many ways that he did not/does not want a second kid. Even though the deed is done, I would try to talk to him about this and seriously consider couples therapy stat.
[Post New]01/20/2011 15:35
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:It's easier to be explicit than to fight, resent, grieve, and grow distant.

No use fighting over whether someone should anticipate our needs and feelings. Sometimes they won't. As we don't/can't anticipate theirs.

I'm so sorry for any loss that anyone experiences. But if you go downstairs to be alone, plenty of people will interpret that as needing to be alone. Don't leave these critical communications to chance. Say what you need, and expect him to do the same.



I completely agree. Communication goes both ways.
[Post New]01/20/2011 15:42
Anonymous
OP, your husband is showing you who he is, and you're not believing him. He's not going to change, either because he's not interested in changing or doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. It's hard to find the truth here, because you're the only one telling the story. There are two sides to this story. No one on DCUM is going to be able to resolve this for you, and all of our opinions are slanted, because we're only hearing your side. Go to a qualified therapist and work on your marriage.
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