After struggling with infertility, finally pregnant, husband not interested to see ultrasound

[Anonymous]

Background: we have a wonderful daughter conceived with iui 3 years ago. Tried again (I am over 40) for #2 and was blessed to become pregnant after about a year of treatments and miscarriage. Husband never cam to any of my RE appointments. in fact - he wasn't even present for retrieval or transfer - he dropped me off for retrieval (granted - he had to watch #1), but I drove myself to and from retrieval.

Got the news i was pregnant and he was just so meh about it (he is onboard for #2, so it isn't that). Dodn't come for any of ultrasound appts at the fertility clinic, he hates taking time off from work.

I graduated to a reular ob and have my first appt this friday - a day hsband has off ( he is off every other friday). i asked him if he wanted to go and he said "I don't know, do I need to be there?" I said "no - but it would be nice since it is your baby". he then asked what time and I told him 1pm and he complained that it was in the middle of the day. i just let it go and won't bringup again.

he has been so uninvolved with this whole process - in fact, when i had a misscarriage, it happened overnight and I went downstairs to the living room to suffer it out. I am pretty sure he knew I was down there moaning in pain and never botehred to come down until 5am when I was half asleep on the couch. he asked me if I was ok and if "it" happened and I said yes. Then he asked if I wnated to go upstairs to bed and I said no. Then he went back to bed.

He made a comment once that he is nervous I am an older mom and that I will be xx when new kid is xx (I was 39 with the first and 44 with the 2nd). Yes - I know I am older but things just worked out that way - I can't change anything now about my age. He might also feel that by doing IVF - it was very artificial and maybe not 100% behind it - although he never said anything - I am just guessing.

No clue what his problem his but he is very detached and barely asks how my appts go. He is like this with other parts of life. No sympathy for the exhaustion and nausea I am having (had an uneventful first trimester with the first one). I don't know - I feel like I am going thru this on my own and it is making me so sad and mad. Any thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Maybe he's a jerk. Maybe he's scared of losing this baby and doesn't want to make it "real." Maybe he's internalizing his fears, trying to not share them with you - and instead of helping - he's coming across like a jerk.

Talk to him. Tell him how you feel and ask him how he feels Tell him it hurts you that he doesn't seem interested.

[Anonymous]

So sorry - I don't know your husband, but do you think that he wants to keep himself from becoming too attached, particularly in light of the miscarriage? Not the best way to handle it, and certainly not an excuse for his behavior, but maybe an explanation.

Congratulations on the pregnancy!

[Anonymous]

Talk to him and go to therapy, either alone or as a couple. This sounds really unhealthy. The two of you seem to have a lot of difficulty communicating. Don't let it fester. Resentment and lack of communication are marriage killers.

[Anonymous]

I agree that he may be weary of going to the US because he is afraid to get attached; but he might also be depressed; he may feel devalued because he "couldn't get you pregnant"; he may be sick of the constant pregnancy talk; he may need an outlet or hobby that doesn't involve family; he may be anxious about the financial aspect; he may...why don't you just ask him what's up? We can all speculate but ultimately you have to have the hard conversation with him. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Eesh - I really don't want to suggest this but it sounds so familiar. I very close friend of mine had the same story - struggled with infertility, conceived the first DD through 3 rounds of iui, miscarried the next pregnancy after another session of iui, and finally became pregnant with DD#2 after another few years of fertility treatments. Her husband was similarly checked out. He seemed interested in the first DD, but was not supportive of the treatments, or the miscarriage, or the pregnancy symptoms. When my friend was 7 months pregnant with DD#2, her husband came home and announced that he was leaving her - that he was in love with a co-worker with whom he had been having an affair for over 2 years.

I hope for your sake that is not the case here, but you need to have some serious discussions with your husband about where his heart is and how his indifference is making you feel. Know that you should both be on the same page with what you want for your family. In my friend's case, I think the stress of infertility was too much for husband to handle and he just checked out. Meanwhile, she was so wrapped up in her desire to get pregnant she didn't even see what was happening to her marriage. Good luck, OP. I hope the two of you get to the bottom of this and can work it out.

[Anonymous]

I really don't know how you can put up with that. Highly recommend couples counseling. It's upsetting to me just to read that...I can't imagine living it.

[Anonymous]

How many weeks are you? Having had a miscarriage before, I didn't really "attach" to the idea of a baby until I was past 13 weeks. Maybe that is what your husband is doing.

It sounds like, though, even in other parts of your life he is "checked out". Is he a good father/husband in other ways? Your reaction to your miscarriage (by going downstairs and not letting him know DIRECTLY that it was happening) tells me that the communication lapses go both ways. You wanted to be the martyr and him to be the bad guy?

Probably, you need to do more telling him what you want/need, and see if he is able to deliver.

[Anonymous]

OP my husband was not as supportive with my #2. We didn't have any infertility issues, and #1 was about 18 months when I learned I was pregnant with #2. I don't think DH came to any of the ultrasounds (I had a few since I was 39 at the time). I was in a lot of pain towards the middle/end of the pregnancy since DB was posterior and DH never asked me how I was feeling or offered a back rub or any type of assistance. I hired a doula since he was so hands-off at the time. I don't think it was the baby in our case, as much as a difficult time in our marriage. Fast forward 4 years and we are now just getting our marriage back on track. He absolutely loves #1 and #2 and he's a good father. I think he was just overwhelmed and frankly our relationship was on the rocks.

I'm not saying your is, I'm just saying there might be other reasons why he appears to be less than enthusiastic. I hope things work out and you have a happy healthy pregnancy.

[Anonymous]

My husband is kind of like this. He is a great guy, but anything involving a lot of emotions usually has him running for the hills. He went to a few appointments with me the first time I was pregnant, but this time the only one he went to was the one where we found out the gender. He didn't even come with me to the amniocentesis I had to have.

I agree with one of the PPs that the communication lapses tend to go both ways here. I do understand why though ... it is HARD being married to someone who can't deal with emotions and who is often not really there when you need him, and it's just easier sometimes to say "I'll do it myself and not involve him." However, my advice to you is to really try not to let it bother you too much, or it WILL wreck your marriage. Focus on why you're married to him in the first place, and not his failings in the support department. This has gotten me through some dark times (and there have been some dark ones during this pregnancy).

[Anonymous]

You're selfish OP and your husband is feeling hurt.

There.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP that sounds really bad. The story of you on the couch during the m/c is heartbreaking. Maybe try couples therapy.

Having going thru IVF I would think your DH would want to be even more involved in the pregnancy given how hard you worked for it. BTW, how did you drive yourself home from the ER, I though you aren't allowed to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're selfish OP and your husband is feeling hurt.

There.

Troll, isn't it time for your afternoon feeding?

What is the matter with you? Did your mother say mean things to you, or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're selfish OP and your husband is feeling hurt.

There.

Troll, isn't it time for your afternoon feeding?

What is the matter with you? Did your mother say mean things to you, or something?

NO. OP is really selfish and there's nothing wrong with telling the truth. She asked for it.

Her husband is clearly hurt. Which father wouldn't want to be part of the child's "creation"? He clearly was not "on board" for #2 like OP is saying. It's just her trying to fool herself. (if he was on board would he really rub on her face the age thing?)

And very very selfish of her to go though all this at this age when she already had one little one to care for.
NO matter how advanced science and medicine is. Age is a very important factor when having children and nothing something to play down.

There's nothing OP can do now to fix it. The way to go is to wear your big girl (or grannie) pants and face the situation. Apologize and try to be less selfish from now on.

[Anonymous]

Its time for some couples counseling. This is not ok or healthy for either of you, and therefore won't be a healthy atmosphere for either of your children. If he won't agree to couples counseling then I unfortunately think it shows a real lack of committment on his part.