Forum Index
»
Off-Topic
My Husbands Career- Need Advice (Men Please Respond!)
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| DH here. I was turned off by bakersman's rah-rah football analogy. But every bit of advice he gave is totally on point. Print out his post for your DH. |
Anonymous
|
Honestly I don't think you're in a position to offer career guidance, because you haven't worked with him. I think that he just needs the vent. (And for the PP who mentioned that feds who are good in the industry get promoted to managers? You were right on. Better yet, people get sucked into 'acting director' positions for whatever reason and end up staying there for years with no REAL title/power but all the responsibility. It can get pretty screwed up.)
I do agree that working on having him separate home and work is good, and it's also a good sign that he's talking about it rather than blowing up at you for no reason. But work is work, we all get paid to be there, and some jobs are just plain stressful, no matter how good or bad of a manager you are. Make sure he's happy, encourage him to do what he needs to remain happy, and be there when he asks you for specifics. But it'd be more stressful than anything if he feels like he's being judged on his job performance at home, too. |
Anonymous
|
Op, I recommend that he seek medical advice. A few years ago, my husband could have written the same post about me. I could manage the attention problems at a job I had mastered, but I totally fell apart after transferring to a significantly more challenging area of law. I take concerta, and while it's not a miracle drug, it clears the cobwebs in my mind and enables the necessary focus to do my job well.
You and your husband may want to visit this site, it has good info on managing ADD symptoms at work: http://www.additudemag.com/ |
Anonymous
DW here who doesn't understand football at ALL - I emailed bakerman's advice to myself to implement Monday morning- really appreciate all the detail and could use it myself. Thanks for all the thought put into this- I've been feeling a bit ADD about managing my staff lately, and think this might be the kick in the a** to get me unf**ked. |
Anonymous
| He's a boy, not a man. And if that is true at his age, it will stay that way. Sorry. |
Anonymous
| Managing a department is not a minor undertaking. Not everyone is cut-off to be a manager. I manage 3-4 people and sometimes feel overwhelmed and I'm pretty successful at what I do. Maybe he took the job and realized he doesn't like that type of work. There's nothing wrong with that. No one really knows what a job is like until they start. If that's the case, then you should be supportive of him finding another job. It's tough to be at a job where you are overwhelmed. It's even tougher if you feel that your significant other is not supportive or puts pressure you. |
bakersman
Member Offline
Member Offline
ROFL -- while I did mention team sports and controlling the clock in football, in reality, the team I was on was the debate team. The coach I was referencing was our debate team coach. He was a former U.S. Marine so his language may have been a bit saltier than most debate team coaches. But I think the same point work in football, debate or work. |
Anonymous
|
OP here.
Thanks bakersman. I am going to print out your post. Thanks to the PP who suggested the Getting Things Done. I am going to buy it....on CD because he'd never read the book. As for the ADD, I don't know if he has it or not, but I really don't know how to suggest that without offending. |
Anonymous
Suggesting he have ADHD is more offensive than telling him that he can't handle his time, his job or his staff? Everything you've described, including that you have to get a book on CD because he'd never read it, is classic ADHD. Is it better to beat yourself up and think you're a failure because you can't do your job rather than consider there may be a neurological basis to the problem. My DH was diagnosed last year at age 41, shortly after our first grader was diagnosed. Our DS's diagnosis was a shock to us because he's not hyperactive (neither is DH) and he didn't fit what I thought ADHD was. How wrong I was. Mediation has made a huge difference to both of them and they're both learning how to organize themselves and their work. It's made a huge difference for my DH professionally. You should look more into ADHD and the impact on the brain's executive functioning. http://www.chadd.org/AM/Template.cfm?Section=Especially_For_Adults http://www.chadd.org/AM/Template.cfm?Section=Especially_For_Adults&Template=/CM/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=5802 |
Anonymous
Anonymous
|
Hi,
I saw your post and wanted you to know, I've seen a lot men in a similar situation. First I want to give a reference to a friend of mine. Jay Carter is an ADHD coach I've referred several of my clients off to. ( http://www.hyperfocusedcoaching.com) I've seen a lot of men loose focus in work half way through their career. Sometimes they feel trapped to keep working just to make money. Often they have worked so hard at doing a job they are not naturally equipped to do they are burnt out. Many men have told me it is very shameful to them they no longer can work efficiently, they want do, struggle to but can not. It it like a burning hole in their chest they don't want anybody to know about. Rarely do they want to talk about it except with close male friend. One of the consistent patterns I've seen in married couples is the wife tries to help but often it feel to her, he is ignoring her and does not care. I've yet to meet a man where it did not bother him deeply. Most of the time the men have been trying to fix the problem one way or another. Each failed attempt confirms a nagging feeling like they are broken or worthless. Unless it is done with extreme care and there already is very good communication, a wife's direct help is picked up by husband and confirmation he is worthless. It is not uncommon he might already be worrying she will soon leave him. My suggestion to you is to remind him of the things you are proud of in him. THEN encourage him to talk to someone. It could be a good friend, pastor, career coach. He might want to look at taking a skills and/or personality assessment to be sure his work lines up with who he naturally is and what his natural talents are. The DiSC personality assessment and Strength Finder 2.0 are my favorites. I hope this help you and him. Christopher Browning Career Coach for Men www.christopherbrowning.com |
Anonymous
|
A DH here...
I too, at one point, resembled the comments you made about your DH. (it still comes and goes). I do think bakersman's points are very good. I think support is helpful, though I personally would be annoyed if ADHD was mentioned to me (better to figure it out that term on my own). I do think it is two things: mananging yourself and managing others; and they feed on each other. On the first item -- I found that having a personal philosophy on managing yourself helps a lot. He can pick one or combine some (you know Stephen Covey, Robert Cooper, etc.). The other piece is that adequate sleep/rest/unstressing schedule is really important. Especially, sleep. If you're a 7 hr person getting 6 hrs a night that just doesn't work long run. Everyone, moms and dads, need a little "me" time -- just yourself (different people need this in varying amounts). [No flaming here ! ! ! I know, I know... but it is important]. Doesn't matter what it is reading a magazine, book, woodworking, gardening, painting, whatever it is, allow a little scheduled uninterupted time. On managing others. When I was placed in my first supervisory position, it was tough... you're not one of the staff any more. You have to hold people accountable, trust but verify, even with professional friends. If people aren't getting it done, he does need to hold them accountable; there is plenty of training out there to develop this skill. For me it wasn't easy because my overall philosophy is a collegial, I'm OK -- You're OK view. That is NOT how others view work, and they will test and take advantage. The best thing is to follow the organizations rules, be fair and, most important, consistent. That will set the boundaries. Lastly, even with all these ideas, it will take some time to work out -- several months at least, so you will need to bear with it. P.S. This is problematic for anyone promoted from a technical position to management role, -- consulting, government, wherever. People in these positions need the training BEFORE they're in the role, not after they get there. |
Anonymous
The best thing you can do is encourage him to hire an executive coach to help with his transition into management. Depending on where he works and his level of seniority, his company or organization may actually pay for it, as it benefits them if he is more effective in his new role. I know people in management/leadership roles in local corporations, non-profits and government agencies who have excellent executive coaches who are paid by their organization. Law firms, too -- both partners and associates. The reason I recommend this so highly is because YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THE ROLE OF BEING HIS COACH. Not only are you not trained to do this (my guess), but it's likely not good for your marriage long-term. There was a pretty obvious tone of resentment, frustration and yes, condescension in your original post. It's completely understandable given the situation -- I'm sure he's no fun to live with right now -- but those feelings will completely an effective coaching/supportive relationship, not to mention a marriage. If you can outsource the coaching/support piece to an expert, you can go back to your most valuable role -- being his wife and friend, not his advisor/mentor/coach. If his organization won't pay for it, see if you can budget the funds for a three month kick start. Even if it eats up the raise for a bit, I think it would be worth every penny. Good luck. |
Anonymous
Wow. I suppose OP did ask for a man's advice. There you go. |