My Husbands Career- Need Advice (Men Please Respond!)

[Anonymous]

OP, you could be describing me. If it weren't for the fact that I haven't recently changed jobs and I don't think my wife is as understanding of the fact that I have these challenges, I might wonder if you were actually her.

The hard truth is that 14:38 is probably right (excellent insight about not having found how to cope yet) but we have no clue how to approach getting help for it, or what the solution entails. I suck as a manager but kick ass at the tasks that people I manage perform. There are just too many for me to do alone. We try to manage people the way our brain manages the rest of our thought processes and the end result is a disorganized, jumbled mess. Our subordinates don’t appreciate it either, even though it gives them tremendous freedom to be lazy and take advantage.

Management and executive coaches won't help until we can deal with the mental disorganization. No solution to offer other than to say that if my wife ever approached me and said she thinks she understands what's going on, that my head is getting in the way of being more effective… I’d be thrilled that the cat was out of the bag. It’s hell trying to figure this out by oneself. Try to understand what’s going on with him and help him try to verbalize it rather than offer the solutions to the symptoms that he knows he can’t accomplish.

This has been cathartic to write. I’m interested in what other responses you get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you could be describing me. If it weren't for the fact that I haven't recently changed jobs and I don't think my wife is as understanding of the fact that I have these challenges, I might wonder if you were actually her.

The hard truth is that 14:38 is probably right (excellent insight about not having found how to cope yet) but we have no clue how to approach getting help for it, or what the solution entails. I suck as a manager but kick ass at the tasks that people I manage perform. There are just too many for me to do alone. We try to manage people the way our brain manages the rest of our thought processes and the end result is a disorganized, jumbled mess. Our subordinates don’t appreciate it either, even though it gives them tremendous freedom to be lazy and take advantage.

Management and executive coaches won't help until we can deal with the mental disorganization. No solution to offer other than to say that if my wife ever approached me and said she thinks she understands what's going on, that my head is getting in the way of being more effective… I’d be thrilled that the cat was out of the bag. It’s hell trying to figure this out by oneself. Try to understand what’s going on with him and help him try to verbalize it rather than offer the solutions to the symptoms that he knows he can’t accomplish.

This has been cathartic to write. I’m interested in what other responses you get.

OP here.

That sounds just like my husband's situation. He gets taken advantage of all the time.

I was going to suggest that he start by making a list of all his daily tasks, and then we could try to prioritize them. I could make him a little chart with his daily tasks organized by priority and by morning/noon/late afternoon scheduling, spaces for tasks that could come up, and a space for memos throughout the day. He could have a fresh sheet everyday and maybe stay on track. Is this too much? Would this be helpful or do I sound annoying?

Or should I just say, "honey let's talk about why you think you are having these issues?"

[Anonymous]

Really, your first instinct is to assume the subordinates are lazy and trying to take advantage?

You say your DH doesn't know how to prioritize or follow through on the assignments he gives. (i.e., he's a not a very good manager). Isn't is possible that he isn't giving assignments in a clear manner that indicate (1) when they should be complete and (2) the manner in which he expects the final product. If he can't prioritize, how in the world should the people who report to him have a clear understanding of what should be happening and when?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Really, your first instinct is to assume the subordinates are lazy and trying to take advantage?

You say your DH doesn't know how to prioritize or follow through on the assignments he gives. (i.e., he's a not a very good manager). Isn't is possible that he isn't giving assignments in a clear manner that indicate (1) when they should be complete and (2) the manner in which he expects the final product. If he can't prioritize, how in the world should the people who report to him have a clear understanding of what should be happening and when?

Btw, to answer your question, I think you should encourage him to seek guidance from a very good manager who works in his office. You should this sounds like a great new job and will require a whole new set of skills and of course it will take time to develop. I think it's a bad for you to coach him through the minutia.

[Anonymous]

I find it strange that you are asking advice for your DH.

Maybe it's because he's spent his whole life being managed by someone else that he hasn't learned to manage himself, let alone others.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my DH gets taken advantage of all the time. I won't give specific examples, but I've seen it with my own eyes and I tell you, a lot of that stuff would not fly with me or anyone else. But really, there is no incentive for people not to take advantage of him so I see why it happens. But that's a different topic and can be solved at a later time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I was going to suggest that he start by making a list of all his daily tasks, and then we could try to prioritize them. I could make him a little chart with his daily tasks organized by priority and by morning/noon/late afternoon scheduling, spaces for tasks that could come up, and a space for memos throughout the day. He could have a fresh sheet everyday and maybe stay on track. Is this too much? Would this be helpful or do I sound annoying?

Or should I just say, "honey let's talk about why you think you are having these issues?"

It depends if he's really Adult ADD or not. If he is, the first suggestion won't help. Until he gets the ADD under control he simply won't be able to execute the organization chart. It will just be another task that gets in the way of him trying to clear out the backlog of items he knows he needs to attend to. Lists help short term but never long term.

I'd suggest the latter, and see if you get the sense he's really got an issue. If so, explore ways he can seek help for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband started a new job a few months ago. He is having a hard time managing his duties and he is getting really stressed. Based upon what he has told me, and upon knowing him I would say his problems are

1) He doesn't know how to properly manage his time. He needs to learn how to prioritize and just get things done.

2) He needs to learn how to delegate and follow up. If he tells someone to do something, he doesn't follow up and they end up not doing it, or doing it wrong, and it makes him look bad. He sees this as "oh this is why I have to do everything myself" Whereas I see it as, "no you don't. you need to learn how to be a more effective manager."

3) He needs to come up with some way to be more organized overall.

4) He just needs to relax. Juggling multiple tasks should not be that stressful. Chill out and take a deep breath.

IMO, this job should not be that stressful. ...

For items 1-3, those sound like logistical project management issues. Buy him a couple project management books for the holiday. I'd see if he can self-help before you blow a lot of money on some management coach. My impression of the coaches I've known is that they're stronger on big picture conceptual issues, and less helpful on the nuts-and-bolts issues, which is what items 1-3 suggest your husband needs.

For item 4, you might be wrong there. You don't say how many people he's managing or what sorts of projects, but I can imagine it might be very stressful. I am a lawyer who manages a litigation team of 5-8 people (which is probably smaller than your DH's division), but the issues are very complex, the dollars are significant, and there is very little room for error. If any one of those 5-8 people makes a mistake, I am responsible for it. If the mistake is significant, we may lose the clients and by extension our jobs. If we lose our jobs, all the secretaries and other support staff who help us also will suffer cuts. I feel fairly significant stress. I'm sure plenty of managers from other professions feel the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, your husband's problems are:

He doesn't know how to manage his time
He doesn't know how to delegate or prioritize
He doesn't know how to manage
He doesn't know how to get organized.

Is that ALL? I dont' mean to sound mean, but how the hell did your husband end up managing a division? If I'm going to hazard a guess, it's probably because he's a federal employee who's great at a substantive field, and was therefore chosen to manage other people -- because in the federal government, if you're great at your substantive field, well then you must have managerial skills! HA!

Your husband is in deep doo-doo OP. It sounds like he doesn't know the first thing about management. He should ask to take a course in Management 101. Now.

I agree. How on earth did he get this job to begin with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it strange that you are asking advice for your DH.

Maybe it's because he's spent his whole life being managed by someone else that he hasn't learned to manage himself, let alone others.

Agree and I don't understand how his wife is in a position where she can critique his work unless she works with him? This is odd.

[Anonymous]

OP again.

Well I wasn't really asking advice for my husband. I was asking advice on how I should handle the situation since it is a big part of my life.

I am in a position to "critique his work" because it's all I hear about. He talks about work all of the time, he can't help himself. Even if we are talking about something else he always finds a way to relate it to work. He even does it with other people, when its completely inappropriate to do so...everything goes back to work and what happened at work.

Plus, I know him. I know how he is and it all ties together with his work performance.

I just want to see him do well. I know he can, but something has to change. If not for his work performance, then for his health.

[bakersman]

Did he play team sports when he was younger? Because it sounds like he needs a playbook so that he knows what he needs to do in specific situations ahead of time. My coach used to tell use to remember the 4 Ps : Preparation, Prevents, Poor, Performance.

This is my general game plan for keeping projects on track.

1. Red Notebook - I have a medium sized red notebook that I carry around to jot down reminders, make lists and take notes if I need to do so. It is the one item that always goes to work and comes home with me. Why a medium sized red notebook? I want it to be easy to identify on my desk that is filled with yellow pads and files.

2. Long, medium and short term task lists. I have one task list that has everything on it, no matter when the due date is. The list will contain project names, and some sub tasks, but not every task that needs to get done. The second one is my medium goal list, this is the list I make/update on Friday before I leave the office with what I want to get done in the next two weeks. The final list has the tasks I want to complete in a single day. I make this list each morning with my coffee when I get to work, before others arrive. The important thing about this list is that you only put the amount of tasks that you realistically can do in a day. I'd rather have three tasks that I can get done, than five tasks and accomplish only three. Making this list helps you to establish realistic short-term goals.

3. Control the clock -- Just like in football or basketball, it is important to control the clock. If you answer the telephone every time it rings or open each email as it arrives, someone else is setting your schedule and disrupting your work rhythm. You will be playing defense the entire day. The very first think I do when I arrive at work is to quickly review all emails and telephone messages. I don’t review and respond to the messages as I read them. I do this before I make my list for the day since the messages could impact the daily list. I respond to as many of the emails as I can until about 9:30 am (I get to the office no later than 8:15-8:30 each day). I then take a short 5-10 minute break. From 9:45 to 10:30 or 11 :00, I return calls. From 11 to 12:30, I work on whatever project I have set for the day. During this block of work time, I shut my door and generally let calls go into voicemail and I don’t open emails as they arrive (I have turned off the audio and email preview notice function on my computer). When you think about it, how often is it actually critical that the person calling has to speak to you at the exact moment he or she calls. Around 12:30 I review emails and voicemail messages. I return any urgent calls/emails before lunch. If I need to call someone back, I like to send the person an email with a time I will call them back in the early afternoon (increases the chance they will be available). I then grab lunch. When I return from lunch, I check messages and return calls and respond to emails. After a 5-10 minute break, I go back to working on the day’s tasks (ignoring the telephone and emails) until about 3:30. I then check and return messages as needed, take a short break and turn back to the day’s tasks. I do another quick review of voicemail messages and emails around 4:45, and after responding to same, I make a decision as to what I can finish and what I need to take home. I personally prefer to work later than take work home so that when I am home I am there mentally as well as physically. Am I flexible about this? Yes. But if taking home work was the rule and not the exception, my marriage and outside of work life would suffer.

4. Give clear signals to the team. When you are supervising the work of others, it is important to let them know what you want. They cannot read your mind. You may tell a person to do X, thinking they clearly understand that to do X properly they need to also do A,B & C. If you don’t know they have done X before, make sure they know about A,B & C. You can’t assume other people know what you know. Set clear and realistic deadlines. A clear deadline is not, ASAP. That might be the preference, but all of the person’s projects have a deadline of ASAP, then he or she is left to guess the order in which you want the tasks accomplished. A realistic deadline is one that allows you time so to look over the person’s work, and, if it is not correct, have THEM make corrections. It may be faster to correct something yourself but in the long run it is better to explain to the person what needs to be changed and have the person do it. And most people appreciate the training opportunity. Also, if they team member does not check in to let you know how the projects you assigned are going, put it on your list to check in with them. You don't have to check in constantly (no need to micro manager) but either they should be checking in with you or you with them so that you have an idea what they are doing. Personally, I like to walk by the desks of each person each day to say hello, which give me an opportunity to check in.

5. Be the team captain. Most people want to be liked, however, if you are in charge it is more important to have good workers than friends. If someone doesn’t make a deadline or fails to perform in a satisfactory manner, it is your job to address the issue. You don’t have to be a tyrant or bully while doing so, but you have to convey that the matter is serious. If you treat your team members with respect, set clear expectations, act in a way that is predictable (i.e. don’t over react some times and under react other time), and give credit to your team when they deserve it, they will respect you. Also, make sure to tell people they are doing a good job when they are going so. Even though we expect people to do their jobs well, everyone likes to know that their contributions are appreciated.

6. Get yourself un-f**ked. When something goes wrong, and it will, it rarely helps to spend time deciding who made the mistake before you figure out how to, as my coach would say, get yourself un-f**ked. Wait until the crisis has passed and people have had time to calm down before holding the morbidity and mortality conference to discuss what went wrong and what could be done better next time.

[Anonymous]

OP, a man (since you are asking for male input) once suggested to me the Getting Things Done system (you can Google it) for management of time and tasks. I'm surprised nobody has mentioned it on this thread. People who follow that system are downright evangelical about it. I use a modified version, and it has made a big difference with organization, which has been key for me when managing other people (some of whom manage other people).

[Anonymous]

You want to help? Be a good listener without trying to fix things.

[Anonymous]

OP is protecting the gift- meaning DHs job- otherwise things are way different for her lifestyle.