Travel soccer as an abusive relationship
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soccermom4608
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Go ahead and argue about why I'm wrong and my kid sucks, I really don't care. Just needed to get this out somewhere.
Kid had a good offer from another club last spring while his current club's tryouts were still going on. We reached out to the relevant people at the current club to see what their thinking was on his placement for next year because his preference was to stay with the current club but needed to give an answer to the other club. Coach of the team he had hoped to make (let's call it purple) calls me to say kid is going to be offered a spot on purple and welcome to the team. Kid declines the other offer and then a week later gets an offer from his current club to join cyan, the team below purple. When I reach out to the coach to find out what's going on, he says nothing was definite when we spoke because it wasn't in writing and they were still evaluating for purple for next year so he might have a chance to move up. That's a load of bullshit but whatever, opportunity with the other club was gone so kid didn't have much of a choice for this year. Right before practices start, kid is asked to practice with purple even though those practices directly conflict with cyan so he wouldn't be able to practice with his own team. After three weeks of practicing exclusively with purple, kid is told he is going to play with purple for Labor Day tournament. This is communicated to the cyan coach, who brings up a player from the team below to take our kid's spot for their tournament. Purple coach then goes silent, and when we follow up today to get the tournament schedule, we are told they don't need my kid for the tournament after all so he won't be playing with them. Cyan coach rightly doesn't want to be a total dick to the player who committed to play with them this weekend, and now there's no room on the cyan tournament roster to add my kid. So my kid is now left out in the cold, not playing at all this weekend. I so want to pull him out of this club now, because this is total horsehit and the adults involved should be ashamed of themselves. I would not tolerate this as an adult from any employer or organization, but these people apparently have zero qualms about doing this to a kid. My kid is desperate to stay, though, because he doesn't want to go an entire year without playing. But after this year, everyone involved in this club can choke on a dick. Well, except the cyan coach. He can live. |
SoccerSkeptic
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| I feel for you and your DC. Some coaches and TDs are like car salesman. They will say whatever to get the deal done, but reading the fine print, it might be something different than what they tell you. I've known kids that have been offered spots on the "purple" team and then as soon as tryouts are done at all nearby clubs, get moved down to the "cyan" team. Some kids get to stay on purple, but never see more than 10-20 minutes in a game. At least the cyan coach seems honorable and not sleezy. I'd stick with cyan for the year and move on to a new club if not happy on cyan next year. |
soccer_dc
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| Tell us which club this is so others can avoid them! Just kidding you don’t need any retaliation. I would start declining (or ignoring) all offers to practice and play with purple. Your kid is on cyan, you like the cyan coach, so stick with cyan for the rest of the season and find a new club next year. You might also reach out to the other club coach. Sometimes there are open spots when the season starts from kids moving clubs or other unforeseen dropouts. |
RhymeTime
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| I am sorry. Your thread title is not an exaggeration. Your DC sounds like a gritty kid to keep wanting to play after all of this. One day purple coach’s shell game will fall apart. |
pjm
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| Your post is triggering, we were jerked around by multiple clubs. Similar crap during tryouts and during the year. Almost everyone we know feels they were burned by the travel soccer world in one way or another. |
Mannschaft
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Email the club’s TD politely explaining what happened, and ask him if this represents acceptable behavior from a coach in his club.
His own coach (cyan) needs to make room for him. I would be nowhere near ok with this. |
MadridFan
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This is good advise. You need to escalate this to the TD. This is unacceptable behavior. |
ProRel
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| Agree with everyone that your kid got hosed here. Hopefully this type of conduct is isolated to the purple coach and not the entire club. If you seek and don't receive a formal apology from the TD it should tell you all you need to know. |
Wishiwasatthebeach
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| I would reach out to the other club and begin Id sessions for next year. If you can tolerate cyan all year, stick with cyan. If cyan is unbearable, move during winter. None of what you said is acceptable and purple should have honered him a spot at the tournament. Very sleezy behavior. |
Cruzado
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This sounds like a terrible miscommunication by all involved at the club.
I think that Coach Cyan should have stepped up and help you make things right either by allowing your son to roster with Team Cyan for the tournament somehow, or perhaps finding another team (such as the one from whom the replacement was drawn, who might be down a player) so that your son could play on; or, frankly, Coach Cyan could have reached out to Coach Purple directly to sort this out. People throw around the term "unacceptable" all the time, but here it really fits---this is unacceptable. You have a kid who is part of a club, obviously on the bubble between Team Cyan and Team Purple, he's following direction and practicing with whatever team the club tells him to, he's willing to play with whichever team the club assigns him, and then he gets screwed at the last minute and is denied a chance to play for either team (or any team!) over the Labor Day Tournament weekend? That is simply unacceptable. I would call the director today, I'd be the biggest pain-in-the-butt until he made time to speak with me about this, and explain the situation; the unfairness of it all obvious on its face, I can't imagine he would defend any of it. He should work with Coach Cyan and Coach Purple (and maybe other coaches, if there's any other color team that needs a player this weekend) and do all he can to see if he can help fix this situation. Maybe he can't, due to tournament paperwork and legal mumbo jumbo with waivers etc. (although, presumably you signed the waivers for the tournament already?) but he should try. And most importantly, the club director should have a talk with Coach Purple and Coach Cyan to sort out your child's position and prevent this from happening again. (I understand why you wouldn't want to name the club now, but if you end up leaving next year please update this thread with the club name to help other children avoid this same treatment, and to send a message to the club that people will not pay to be treated like this.) |
soccer_dc
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| It’s a good illustration of how some clubs have teams which operate mostly independent of other teams in the same club, at the whims of the coaches. There are clubs where experiences and training are more uniform across teams, teams often train together, and coaches coordinate through the TD to set rosters for games and tournaments hopefully for the benefit of player development. Obviously this club is the every coach for themself model. But it’s a good question to get answers to when evaluating a new club. |
ted_lasso
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My DC is coming to the end of their youth soccer career after playing the game since 5 y/o. In the not too distant past, DC was on the most elite team, one step away from a professional academy and told they were one of the best players in their position. As a family, we bought in to the coach's BS and stuck around while player development took a second or third row seat to recruiting new players in order to try and win games. Time and time again the message was "keep working hard" and you'll get your spot back. All the while there was no actual coaching, just the same old lip service and pandering to any bright and shinny object that caught the coach's attention. Looking back, we regret sticking with the coach and team and the notion that "loyalty" to either would benefit DC in the long run. After nearly 12 years of soccer, we were still very naïve. That said, play with a coach and a team that focuses on developing your DC, even if that means they play on "cyan". Most importantly, be weary of the "purple" carrot. Honestly, unless your DC is being chased by the purple coach, it's very unlikely they'll get a permanent spot.
As a final thought and the hope of not coming across as too cynical, most coaches have lost sight as to why they started coaching in the first place. They have some success in a tournament or a league and then convince themselves that the way they do their jobs is the best. The only metric for success is winning. They forget about player development and keep looking for the next brass ring without having any idea as to why or how they were successful in the first place. It's a vicious cycle that starts out with great intentions and then leads to a pattern of behavior that IS emotionally and psychologically abusive because they care very little about 80 percent of the players on their teams in favor of the two or three favorites. Looking back on our youth soccer journey, there were lots of high moments but the highs do not come close to balancing out the lows and the shitty way a coach/coaches treated players who were simply looking for validation and actually coaching - not just "work harder." Best of luck to your DC. |
soccermom4608
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For anyone interested in an update, last night we got an email from the purple coach asking our son to practice with purple rather than cyan again this week but no comment on whether DS might even play with purple this weekend. It's pretty clear the purple coach isn't looking to bring our kid up to his team permanently, he's just trying to stack his bench with options without making a commitment. We responded that he would not be able to practice with purple because we felt it was important for him to practice with his actual team, as it wouldn't be fair to cyan to have someone just drop in for games who hasn't practiced with the team, doesn't understand their play style/strategy, etc.
DS is pissed at us because he thinks we tanked his chances to play with purple. Maybe we did, but I cannot condone this behavior by playing along with it. And I legitimately believe what I said to the purple coach - I think DS bailing on practices for what may be a better opportunity at some point at the expense of his current team is really poor character and sportsmanship. If the purple coach wants DS to commit to his team, he needs to put DS on his team officially so everyone can plan accordingly (including cyan) instead of jerking everyone around. |
scrswm
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| sorry this club is jerking your son around. not fair all around and the season is just starting |
SDC
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| This sounds like Loudoun Soccer for sure.... |