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DH wants to go to law school
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Anonymous
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There was nothing unkind about the post you're quoting, PP. Being a sole provider is stressful. End of story. You read into it something like, I feel sorry for this poor sap because his wife is a loser who won't work. That's not what the post said.
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Anonymous
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"But I'm shocked that people would tell OP she's selfish for being shocked and angry that the rug has been pulled out from under her all in a sudden. DH and I (and most of our friends) have decided long ago that our priorities are either having one spouse stay at home or not. These are mutual decisions. From OP's post, I think that's the case here too."
I agree 100% with the prior poster who made this statement. And I am a WM (lawyer) and DH is also a lawyer, for the record. But, I feel like a lot of the responses to OP make it sound as if her husband has been pulling all of the weight. Just because one parent is staying home, doesn't mean that parent isn't contributing equally to the marriage/family. They are just contributing in a different way. I find it troubling that many people seem to have the attitude that it is the working parent who is contributing most to the family. Parents that stay home also make sacrifices--ones that many of us aren't willing to make. And while I certainly agree that OP's situation is difficult b/c you never what to deny someone their life's dream, it is still a decision they should make together. |
Anonymous
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To 00:14.
Get over yourself. My post isn't unkind. I meant every word of it. There probably are some worthwhile people on this planet who made different choices than you. Plus, note the "and" attached to point A. It is very lonely to be the sole earner when your job sucks. Trust me. I've been there. Simple things you could do to improve your career are often out of reach because of the responsibilities. You step up, and do what you should for your family, but you can't talk about it at home, or to most of your friends. It is lonely and stressful. |
Anonymous
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Oh, furthermore... (10:30)
The husband came home and said "I'm unhappy. I want to go to law school." He did not come home and say "Honey, I gave notice today and wrote a big check to George Mason." The latter, not the former, is pulling the rug out. Life is compromise. Good luck, OP. |
Anonymous
Why can't you talk about it at home or to friends? I know a lot of people who don't like their careers (a lot of lawyers, by the way) and they talk about it all the time. They're not lonely. They're highly functioning people who don't like their jobs. Most of them have gone on to other things. It's not the end of the world to dislike your job. BTW, they don't blame their spouses for not working either. I think you're projecting your situation, which seems extreme. Back to OP: Hang in there. I can see why you are mad. It's a lot of change all in a sudden, especially if you have a young child. I hope you can work it out without you having to go back to work if that was your original plan for raising you kids. Best of luck to you. |
Anonymous
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PP here:
I think your response made clear why it is hard to talk about at home for some people, as does the OP's. BTW: I am neither male nor supporting a SAHM. I think you are projecting. |
Anonymous
I didn't think you were male or necessarily supporting a spouse. You said earlier that you had been there before and that it's lonely, stressful, etc. etc., which is why I said it seemed that your unhappiness was extreme and that you seemed to be projected it on OP's situation. I don't have time to fight with you and I don't want to hijack this board. |
Anonymous
I agree too. Nicely said. |
Anonymous
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So let me ask some questions to the posters here:
Assume a couple decides before children, that yes it would be nice if one partner was able to stay home. Is there no chance of ever changing that situation? Can the working spouse have no opportunity to alter their circumstances, ever? If so when, after how long? Or only if it does not rock the boat of the other partner who is happy /content in their role? Also, would your responses be different if a SAHM WANTED to go back to work but DH would not support that decision b/c he wants her home with the children - something that certainly happens at times? OP - I neither condemn nor support your feelings - as is often the case with two individuals on different sides of an arguement, each has their own validation and selfishness attached to their opinion. Neither is fully right or wrong. Good luck and I hope you both find a middle ground. |
Anonymous
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Hello. Just a small word of support. If your husband is serious and has begun the research into what it takes, then you and he should sit down and see if it is feasible. If he's the kind of man who got very high grades in undergrad, scores in the 90th or above percentile on the LSAT, and will do well in law school, then you might want to consider letting him go for it. If you agree he can take the LSAT, and he doesn't score so well, then he may drop the idea, and there will be no argument. If he scores really well, it could be life altering for both of you.
I'm a "retired" lawyer now staying at home with my daughter and am married to a very successful lawyer. We were married for several years before going to law school, it was harder than I imagined, but it was only three years, and he loves being a lawyer. I was good at it, but I hated it, but he's made it to where I don't have to be a lawyer anymore, and I thank him everyday for that. I fully understand your reaction. If my husband were to come home tomorrow and tell me he wanted to become an architect or a doctor, I'd probably feel the same way you do. We all get so used to the way things are that change is, frankly, scary. Whatever the two of you decide, just remember that you love each other, and his wanting to change careers may ultimately be good for the whole family. |
Anonymous
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Pro: There is a demand for lawyers in this area. There was an article in the post about how 1st year associates are wined/dined and otherwise courted by firms who are desperate for them. Your family would end up better, financially, in a fairly short timeframe. Assuming, of course, that you don't mind not seeing him much. He will have to work some seriously long hours. But, he'll make a ton of money.
Con: When one spouse attends school and the other does not, it's not that uncommon for them to find someone else who shares what they are going through. It's hard to have a lot in common when one person is going through law school and the other isn't. The resentment you have now may be compounded when he's out late at night w/his law student friends studying, etc. What happens if he decides to split after he graduates? I wish it wasn't true, but this does happen. Pro: Your DH will be happier if he can pursue this dream of his. Con: He will harbor some resentment towards you and your kids, and probably towards himself. If you go for it, please, commit to it wholeheartedly. Don't say yes, and then say "I told you so" if he needs to go to a study group at night instead of helping put the kids to bed, etc. It can work. You will have no way to predict now how it will turn out. In my experience, a marriage needs to allow people to grow or the participants become resentful and/or unhappy as a result. Is there any way that you can obtain a loan for school so that you all can stay home w/the kids and he can attend full-time? He will likely have an internship during summer, so he'll have some income then. Also, he'll have more time with the kids while in school, rather than working all day and going to school part time at night. Once he starts his real job, he'll be working all the time. Why not enjoy the time he's in school, by letting you stay home and he can see the kids a bit more. That way everyone will be happy. |
Anonymous
| I would be upset, too. For the record, I am an attorney working mom. Why can't he start after your kids are in pre-k or elementary school? If he waited this long, then it should be fine to wait a few more years. Also, I think it should be mentioned that unless you excel in law school or get in to a top 3 school, it can be difficult to get a high paying firm job. Does he have any idea what kind of law he wants to practice? I second a previous poster that a lot of lawyers are unhappy with their jobs. He should do some research and know what he wants to do. Lawyers also have some of the worst hours in firms. (Not my situation, but my husband's.) |
Anonymous
| I'm a lawyer (formerly at a big firm, who left to go in-house because of the lifestyle). I second what previous posters have said about making sure your DH has really analyzed the perceived financial benefits of this career switch. The real financial pay-off is with big firms, but it comes at a terrible quality of life cost. Moreover, the PP who mentioned the "grunt work" associated with being a junior associate at one of those firms is dead on. In my experience, the 30-somethings who were coming in a first-year associates rapidly tired of the extreme, unreasonable grunt work (e.g., here-please stay here until 1 AM re-reading this 100 page document to make sure that the word "Paragraph" is underlined wherever it appears). That's fine for 20-something law school graduates who have never had a real job before. The 30-somethings rapidly realize that a lot of junior associate grunt work is a huge waste of time (and the client's money). So there's a good chance that DH wouldn't find law firm life any more satisfying than what he does now. |
Anonymous
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My husband and I faced similar situation a few years ago and we found a middle ground. He wanted to leave great-paying job with huge corporation to work for a start up (he had done so before and loved it but it went bust). I wanted to support his dream but with one baby and one on the way this did not seem like time to gamble (I was also working at the time, and made as much as he did, but nonetheless). So I explained to him my belief that the time where we could act totally on our passions with respect to career choices passed the minute we had a baby BUT I gave him "conditional support" to him to look for a start up opportunity depending on the opportunity. (And in fairness, he had already worked hard to find several new positions at work in an effort to be more fulfilled but, due to bad circumstances, none of them ever panned out as hoped for.) So a question is whether your husband has made any less drastic efforts to try to alleviate his unhappiness before jumping right to law school? If yes, this may add weight to his case. My husband brought home several small business propositions that I thought were just too risky. And to his credit he gave me veto power -- I didn't ask for it, but he really respects my opinion. And I really respected that he was out there networking and hustling -- not just to find a job but to ask other small business people how they found their jobs, started their companies, etc. So there's another question: how much thought and legwork has he put into the law school idea? Has he gone out and met with many lawyers to find out what they actually do and what kind of lawyer he would want to be? Has he run the numbers on tuitions, loans, salary, etc. to see if it makes sense financially? If all he has done is said "I want to go to law school" I would be highly skeptical as that sounds like escapism to me. (That's how I ended up a lawyer, but I was 22 and had a very immature thought process at the time. As an aside, I concur with PP who warns about life as a jr. associate and taking direction about periods and commas could be VERY difficult for a person in mid-30's who is used to having any degree of autonomy and responsibility at work.) Back to my husband: After about a year of searching, and multiple rejections on my part, he brought an opportunity home that I realized was the perfect compromise -- a small business, but the company was already operational and profitable and so he would have a paycheck and some health insurance. Granted a 50% paycut and no job security, but a paycheck from Day One and a company with a few actual customers and revenue. I said yes, he took the job, he is SO happy, he has grown the business so much and I am so happy I supported him (but also SO happy I rejected some of his previous propositions -- e.g., "I want to start a company with my buddy at work.") In hindsight, I think he is happy I rejected those ideas as well. So I am all for supporting your husband in his career dreams, but only to the extent it is practical and makes sense and you and the kids don't have to suffer so much.  Anyway, my point is take your time and ask him to take his, listen to him but where his plan has serious drawbacks feel free to pound those home without feeling guilty you are not being "supportive." And, as a lawyer, remind him his kids are only young ONCE. He won't get the next 7 or 8 years back.
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clarabow
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| Just a note (and not suggesting that any of the above posters were in fact aiming any criticism, it's just something that occurred to me from reading a number of the posts) -- it's probably not a good idea to hold it against the husband if he has not yet thoroughly done his diligence. It might be best that the diligence is an out in the open process that husband and wife engage in together. This wife already felt gobsmacked when the idea was brought up, and for me personally if my husband arrived with spreadsheets and networking references etc. the very first time he proposed a major change, I'd probably freak out and feel that rather than opening the door for a discussion I was being presented a fait accompli. I'd rather he "think out loud" with me/in front of me first, even if it did not seem well thought out yet. |