DH wants to go to law school

[Anonymous]

I think that you are being a bit selfish and need to support your husband. He worked so that you could be a SAHM and if a legal career is really his dream you should not be opposed to it just because "you do not have a strong desire to go back to work". Law school is only 3 years (full time attendance) and he would certainly have time to hold a part-time abd summer jobs if you needed it to stay afloat financially for those years. I think that it is time that you take one for the team.

Also, it occured to me that maybe your husband "dropped the bomb" becasue he wants you to go back to work.

[Anonymous]

My DH is an IT professional, and at 38 told me he would like to be an anesthesiologist. I too was a SAHM, and not able to compete with the earning he can bring in.
He has planned nearly everything out, what classes he wants to take on what night..... We figure he will be about 50 before his dream becomes a reality, but so what. This is something that will make him happy.

[Anonymous]

I think the PP is being overly harsh. Not to start a whole separate debate, but I think a lot of families make a decision regarding whether a parent will stay home, which parent that will be, etc. based on what they believe is best for the family. I don't think OP is being selfish for wanting to ensure that her husband's decision is also what is best for the family. SAHM's (OR SAHD's) sacrifice a lot--career goals, current and future earnings, etc. b/c they (and hopefully their spouse) have decided that being home is what is best for their family. Anyway, I don't think that OP has to "take one for the team" here simply b/c DH's work outside the home has enabled her to stay at home up until this point.

OP, I think everyone here has posted good advice regarding things to think about. And, I hope that it helps you and your DH to make an informed decision regarding what is best for your family--who knows, maybe after you've had time to let the shock wear off and you've researched your options you'll find that law school for DH is the best choice.

[Anonymous]

Another lawyer here and I think those PPs who have said you need to get more information to know whether this will work are right. We are lucky to have several good to extremely good night programs in the area that will work with FT jobs. And once you get through the first year, if you do well there are often law firm jobs that pay well and are friendly to the law school schedule. My firm always has several folks in that position and they can make six figures while in law school. (the better the school the more likely this is). Starting at 33 means he will be done at 37 or so, which is not that old in the overall context of law school grads. On the other hand, if he is not academically gifted and would not expect to do well in law school, it is true that law firms generally won't look at people toward the bottom of the class or from subpar schools. So, the ability to get the great job after school depends on how things go in law school. It would be hard on both of you if he decides to go this way, but I guess I would be worried that if you demand that he not pursue this goal it could really lead to resentment later.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for your thoughtful and thought provoking responses. I suppose I am being a little bit selfish. I suppose what I am most concerned about is what a lot of you pointed out, that I will have to maintain most of the child rearing burden 100% of the time. I know I am a SAHM and that is my job. I do it cheerfully, however for the last few years DH has been involved with one project after another at work that has required crazy hours. I've already been living the life of what would be if he did go to school. Up until now though, there has been a light at the end of the tunnel. Things would eventually get better as he progressed, and actually things have gotten better. I see him more often, as do the kids. I get more help around the house, we do more together, and the list goes on. Now I'm faced with another 4 years of an insane schedule and both of us constantly exhausted. Kids that never see their father, always craving daddy. Perhaps it's because I know how hard it's going to be after having lived it already, and the fact that I have recently had a taste of better times that I am having the most difficulty coming to terms with. I guess, this was supposed to be my turn after having already "taken one for the team" the last few years.

Anyway, you all have given me a lot to think about and I really do appreciate the different perspectives. Thanks for that.

[Anonymous]

I do have a lot of sympathy for a 33 year old who is
a) the sole provider, and
b) unfulfilled at work.

Life is long.

[Anonymous]

op don't panic. come up with a plan. it can be done.

[Anonymous]

I just re-read your post and I want to say that I completely understand that you feel angry right now. It's understandable. I just wanted to say that I understand your emotions! Good luck and hang in there.

[Anonymous]

I can totally understand your husband's feelings. It would be awful to wake up old someday and say "I wish I had" but realize that I never made the decisions or took the steps to make it happen. Life is long and we don't live in our parents' and grandparents' world where we made a choice about a job or career and lived with that choice for our entire working life. Heck, if we want and if we have the energy, we can make entire career changes several times during our life.

And, as much as I wouldn't want to wake up and wish I had done something I didn't, I also wouldn't want to be the person who told my spouse that I won't support you so that you can do what you always wanted to do. I want to be a better partner than that.

One thing that strikes me about your post is that it seems like what you want gives you a lopsided arrangement. You get what you want in that you are a SAHM with no strong desire to return to work so you don't support him in law school, which in turn leaves your husband wanting because he can't go to law school so that you can keep what you have. But, you don't seem to really believe that this is an ok way to proceed in your relationship. I respect your honesty and admire your insight.

Anyway, having gone to night law school as a second career, here are some practical and honest thoughts. It is hard to work full time and go to night law school. It requires tremendous organization and sacrifice. But, I have a whole class of friends and myself who can attest that it is possible. Only one person in my class dropped out (she had a baby that was very sick and couldn't manage school and family) and no one failed. School days mean very little face-to-face family time. But thanks to cell phones and internet, there is still plenty of opportunity to communicate and stay involved throughout the day with family. You have to make the most of days off - plan activities and keep to the schedule so that study time fits in but does not wipe out family time. Financially, life changes - but then it did when we all had kids and started paying the childcare bill or eliminated an income so that one parent could stay home.

One last thing. It might feel like whatever way you fall you lose. But, I don't think that is the case. If you help your husband reach his dream, you are giving him a wonderful gift and if he is a person that is worth staying with and doing this for, you won't lose. It just seems like that right now because change is so difficult.

[Anonymous]

Most of the discussion here has been about your wants and needs and interests and your husband's wants and needs and interests. But then, in your second post, OP, you told us that the kids have spent what sounds like an extended period of time "crav[ing] daddy".

Can he make a choice that takes that into account? Like staying in the job he has now and continuing what sounds like a recently-improved routine? Yes, 30 years is a long time for him to be working in a job that doesn't scratch his every itch, but there's a real tension here between his fulfillment and meeting the kids' basic needs (for love and a connection with their father). (Which is not to say that single parents can't be plenty for their kids and have all of the love kids need, but rather to acknowledge what appears in this specific circumstance to be the pain his absence understandably causes them.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that you are being a bit selfish and need to support your husband. He worked so that you could be a SAHM and if a legal career is really his dream you should not be opposed to it just because "you do not have a strong desire to go back to work". Law school is only 3 years (full time attendance) and he would certainly have time to hold a part-time abd summer jobs if you needed it to stay afloat financially for those years. I think that it is time that you take one for the team.

Also, it occured to me that maybe your husband "dropped the bomb" becasue he wants you to go back to work.

Well, I think you're a big asshole. Why should she go back to work if that isn't part of their original plans? Give me a break. Just because you're angry and bitter, don't take it out on her.

Three years is a long time to drop your precious children off in childcare. And thanks for changing the supportive tone of this thread into an attack on her choice to raise her own children.

[Anonymous]

Marriage is a compromise and just b/c one spouse always wanted to be a SAHM pr SAHD and that was discussed and even happened for a few years does not mean it always has to be that way - things change in our lives and in our relationships. Each partner has the right to feel like they are living their life to their best potential...and sometimes that definistion changes and it requires compromise on both sides.

I agree with much of the sage advice given - yes night school is possible - though leaves little room for anything else. Also that it is a myth that one can assume an immediate 5 figure salary and even if they can the school loans will mitigate that salary for a long time.

I have a two friends whose DH also wanted to change jobs mid-career...actually both going in the opposite direction - from law or finance to woodworking and pilot (small plane). They too were in shock but realized they didn't marry someone for the career they are in and they both worked things out to a mutual compromise.

I hope you and DH can do the same,

[Anonymous]

23:08, you're right that the PP seems to have been harsh and judgmental. But you then raised the ante even more. ("big asshole", "bitter and angry"). This board would be so much safer if posters would take a deep breath and slowly, calmly, usefully explain to those with whom we disagree why we disagree -- with their substance, or their tone, or both. Maybe that will help them understand something you believe they didn't, or maybe just by modeling respectful behavior, they'll emulate you and refrain from the kind of posts that cause YOU to emulate THEM.

[Anonymous]

I want to pipe in here. I'm beginning to think that it's dangerous on this site to ask for advice and then admit you are a SAHM. I've watched this board because as per my first post, DH left law and now works in politics. Many of his friends are unhappy as partners in law firms. Not terribly unhappy, but then again, they probably wouldn't recommend that a 33-year-old should go to law school to feel fulfilled in some way - especially if it entails a lot of sacrifices. (Disclaimer: we have several wonderful friends who feel fulfilled in their law careers.)

My second post was because I re-read OP and suddenly understood that this is about more than just the practical logistics of becoming a lawyer. So I posted a short note about understanding why she would be angry. I was struck by her use of the word "mad".

But I'm shocked that people would tell OP she's selfish for being shocked and angry that the rug has been pulled out from under her all in a sudden. DH and I (and most of our friends) have decided long ago that our priorities are either having one spouse stay at home or not. These are mutual decisions. From OP's post, I think that's the case here too.

Why is she selfish? As pp said, why should she go back to work if that wasn't what she and her DH decided together? If she doesn't want to leave her children in someone else's care, and that wasn't her original plan made with her husband, then why would she suddenly do this?

It's late, and I'm tired, but I am sad that this thread has women attacking OP. She came here for advice. How would the rest of you feel if you husband came to you and told you his dream was to move to Alaska for three years? Or Kansas? Or wherever? And that your financial security would be gone - you would have to completely change your lifestyle?

Just think about it. There is nothing selfish about OP's post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do have a lot of sympathy for a 33 year old who is
a) the sole provider, and
b) unfulfilled at work.

Life is long.

Really? I understand the second point, but don't understand the first.

From my viewpoint, I have a lot of sympathy for a family that has two parents who work all the time and have no time to spend with their babies. Remember, many of us on this site have all sorts of advanced degrees and have enjoyed wonderful careers. We have put them on hold temporarily while we raise our children - the most precious things in our lives. So I feel sorry for you and your unkind post. I'm sure you don't really mean it.