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Am I expecting too much self-control from my 5 y.o.?
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Anonymous
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I am the 2nd PP and I am not fooling myself.
Reaching a solution with a child empowers the child to own their decisions and takes away guilt and fear. It puts the parent in a position where they are not the enemy and someone to be lied to. Taking away gum will solve the problem temporarily, but there will be another issue in the future. When does the parent talk to the child and work on solving the problem, even in a very simple way? This is not nuclear disarmament people. Gum now, then donuts, then what? Drugs? Vodka? Laugh, but the PP proves that these feelings have the likelihood of staying with you. |
Anonymous
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Am I the only person who thinks it's freaking mean as hell to deny kids of treats? In my house, the kids have a cookie with every dinner. A small oreo like cookie (the organic ones from MOMS, no artificial colors, etc.) The lunch boxes have one of those Annie's bunny fruit snacks. We have never had problems with stealing or lying about food. DDs are 6 and 4. No, we don't keep candy in the house.
You can deprive too much. You can CONTROL too much. She is reacting to you controlling her. Sorry OP, let go a little. |
Anonymous
| Oh, and a little swallowed gum isn't gonna kill her either. But you want to CONTROL her. I get it. |
Anonymous
Am I the only one who finds the irony in this post endlessly amusing? Just checking. 
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Anonymous
lol. not at all. hilarious. and she doesn't even get it!! |
Anonymous
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OP back to your question. After reading this thread, first I would try the mutual solution folks outlined, where you talk it out with your child, come up with an amount of candy per day, etc. If that does not work, I would remove the temptation. If your child moves on to hoarding and lying about something else, you have a more serious problem.
I have to say Foreign Born Former Nanny Troll's advice actually struck me as good this time. (I think that's the one folks accused of being a "troll"). I'd be inclined to come down pretty hard on this unacceptable behavior. |
Anonymous
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This is an interesting thread.
There are different explanations for your daughter's behavior: control issues and sweets. Sinc e OPs subject line is about "self-control" I wonder if indeed DD is reacting to feeling as if she has no control, because her mom is so stuck on moderation? If this is the case, OP would want to come up with solutions that give her DD more control, so she doesn't have to resort to lying and sneaking. I liked the idea that DD could eat the candy whenever in the day she wanted. I also wonder if maybe OP is too "strict" about making her daughter eat dinner and fruit. Maybe there could be a way to let her eat fruit or the sweet, and who really cares if she always picks eating 5 M&Ms! I definitely think that lecturing her isn't going to solve either problem. |
Anonymous
| I don't think a fun-size or handful of m&ms after a meal on a regular basis is a good idea. |
Anonymous
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OP - I toss this out there. Perhaps her candy issue is because she eats way too much of it? I know that is true with me - it is addictive and if I eat it daily, I want it daily. Otherwise, I don't think about it at all.
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Anonymous
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I'm not sure I'm handling it "correctly" either but this is what I do:
1) I've explained to my 5 year old boy why it isn't good to eat too many sweets/cookies etc - - cavities - empty calories (i tell him there are no vitamins in those foods, they just taste really good) - I tell him that if at his next dental checkup, he has cavities, then we will have to limit the sweets 2) I don't tie giving sweets to finishing his meal. I don't want him finishing his meal and stuffing himself just to get a treat. 3) He is learning Suzuki violin and I confess I am giving him a 1-3 jolly rancher candies for good effort. This is an improvement - in the beginning, it was more like 10 jolly rancher candies. now he's happy with just a few. I'm told one day he won't need any more candies for violin practice. 4) I actually leave the sweets out. I think he does sneak some at times. I just tell him we have to ration them because if he eats too many at once, we won't have any more left, and I won't be able to get any more for a while. I think he has pretty good self-control. If he wasn't able to limit intake, i would hide them. 5) Other for violin practice, I tell him sweets are a treat every now and then - if he wasn't playing violin daily, he wouldn't be getting sweets on a regular basis. |
Anonymous
What's mean about it? What adult has desert every night? If you grow up knowing candy is a treat, you don't feel deprived when you don't have it on an ordinary day. If your kid has fastfood every day it might seem mean to them when you stop but that doesn't make it mean to only eat out once a week. To call this controlling is like saying it is controlling if you won't let her stay up until 11 or skip school once a week. |
Anonymous
I have plenty of common sense. And I have enough humility to know I do not always have all the answers and could learn from others' example. This is why I tend to read DCUM. It's also why I talk with my friends about parenting and why I read books that have been recommended to me or seem to have a new or different point of view. The one I mentioned is a good one. |
Anonymous
Not the PP that you are ridiculing, but by the OP's own admission, the punishment approach has not been working. |
cslavin@gmail.com
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OP, I think one important thing that others have said is that giving candy as a reward essentially for finishing dinner and fruit post-dinner really might lend itself to overeating behavior. That's not teaching moderation. Moderation is sometimes we have fruit for dessert, sometimes we have a cookie or some frozen yogurt. We also (growing up) figured out other sweet snacks - like chocolate or strawberry milk or cinnamon toast, or jello or pudding. Expand the universe of what might be a moderate dessert. My boss does this with his kids - some dessert nights have sweet desserts, some nights have fruit. and it seems to work (I have an infant so not there yet). I also liked a PP's suggestion of moving sweet snacks to the afternoon. True candy, like m&ms or sugar candies were not kept in my house growing up but were not limited to TWICE a year which seems extreme to me too. There was a neighborhood store and my sister and I would sometimes be allowed to get some candy. Maybe remove the candy and make that a sometimes on the weekends treat? Probably with any of these changes your daughter will have a withdrawal period but will be come accustomed to less sugar in pretty short order.
Don't have great advice on lying/stealing except to say some of this is normal boundary testing but folks are right to say nip it in the bud. BUT - I had an extremely overweight friend in college who I believe hoarded food and overate b/c her mother was SO strict and so on top of her eating choices and never kept a lick of junk around that she ALWAYS wanted that kind of stuff. Moderation is HARD to teach and no matter what you do I think kids will want sweets. It's just important to watch how on top of her you are about food intake and how it could all be internalized. Lots to think about! I just picked up a book at Whole Foods called "Secrets of Feeding a Healthy Family: Orchestrating and Enjoying the Family Meal" by Ellyn Satter. Haven't checked to see what it says about sweets and desserts but I'm sure it would have some helpful ideas. Had friends recommend her other books to me as well. |
Anonymous
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This is a tough one, OP. On one hand, you don't want to be so controlling that DD has zero control when she gets older or resorts to stealing, sneaking, etc. You don't want to further teach her that sweets are a forbidden fruit. But you also have to consider healthful eating for your whole family.
Personally, I don't like candy to be kept on hand. Ice cream, low sugar cookies, fruits have greater nutritional benefits than straight up candy. But candy also shouldn't be so rare that it she is even further mesmerized by it. To me, the only solution is to teach your kids to eat like you do. Don't use candy or sweets as a reward. Mix up deserts (cookie one day, ice cream another, etc.) and try to not have so many rules. Maybe she will not fixate on the candy so much if it isn't around and if it isn't treated as such a special, valuable thing. As for the sneaking---I would try to adjust your rules first and then see if it repeats. I bet it won't. Some kids like to hunt for Xmas presents or use sister's toys without permission, it is just testing limits. I would address the safety issue but just remove the temptation is the best thin in this case I think. |