Am I expecting too much self-control from my 5 y.o.?

[Anonymous]

OF COURSE a five year old can handle creating solutions with you.

"I have noticed you really enjoy candy and are keeping it your room. We do not allow food in rooms, so how many pieces of candy do you think you should eat a day?"

Kid says "40 pieces"

You say "Okay, in our home, candy is a sometimes food, so how about one piece a day (purposely go low). $0 pieces is not okay for mommy, daddy, or you. How about one?"

Kid says "Well, I want two!"

You say "okay, let's do two! You can eat two pieces of candy WHENEVER you want and then that is it for the day. What do you think should happen if our rule is broken..."

You get the idea.

A five year old can do this.

I have been doing it with my 8 yo since he was 4.

Take the power away from the candy. Give it back to the kid. It is a winner every time (and notice, the mom is still in control)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just remove all the crap from your house. Candy after meals isn't a good idea either, it creates a bad habit and expectations.

Yeah, candy is a halloween/easter exception in our house and it's worked out really well. I'm sure she'll have some withdrawal at first, though

[Anonymous]

Yes you should absolutely be able to expect a 5 year old to control it. That said, there is no reason to have a regular stash of candy around. Even if it's just for you, it sets a bad example. Candy should be an occasional treat, not something regularly stocked in the pantry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remove all the crap from your house. Candy after meals isn't a good idea either, it creates a bad habit and expectations.

Yeah, candy is a halloween/easter exception in our house and it's worked out really well. I'm sure she'll have some withdrawal at first, though

Uh, no. The kid is in control. You just let your kid decide you will give him more candy they you allow and that he can eat it whenever he wants. No thanks.

OP, I think that the gum thing sounds partly like an attention issue....a lot of this does. Do you think it's really attention that she's going after?

[Anonymous]

PP here - oops, meant to quote the 15:57 poster...

[Anonymous]

I think a lot of adults can't handle having candy and sweets in teh house, and your expectations are, indeed, too high. Don't be hard on the kid b/c she behaves like a lot of adults. A lot of dieticians would say that it is just not a good idea to keep candy in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Plus, you don't sit down with your FIVE-YEAR-OLD TO HAMMER OUT A SOLUTION TOGETHER. You are the parent, YOU need to come up with the solution and punishment. Egads.

Really? How 1950s of you.

My sense of OP's post is that her child is fighting her for control. Mom said no. So DD tries to outsmart mom to see if she can get away with it.

Your advice is that OP should fight harder to win by imposing a different solution/punishment. In contrast, the PP suggested taking it out of the win/lose and control context altogether, and instead making it a joint decision so that DD no longer has anything to rebel against.

I'm in PP's camp. Authoritative "I'm the parent, you're the child" discipline has its place . . . but not here. A five year old is old enough to talk about this and engage in problem-solving.

For more examples/advice on how this works, I highly recommend the book, "How to Talk so Your Children will Listen and Listen so Your Children Will Talk."

[Anonymous]

I have a really good stash for my chocolate....if my kids ever caught wind of where it was I'd move it immediately. I am a serious chocoholic...i try not to eat it in front of them so they don't know it exists.

I am all for not keeping treats like that in plain view. If you want to have a stash for special times (or intense bribery on occassion) keep them in a place the kids do not know about and don't let them see when you do go to get some.

I would def. address the hoarding and sneaky behavior. It doesn't have to be in a nasty or punitive way--much like many of suggested--lay out the guidelines. Clearly state what the rules are and the consequences if they are broken. Then enforce.

[Anonymous]

I have a 5 y.o. and he is seriously into testing boundries as well. I have noticed this become an issue in just the last couple of months so I sure it's an age thing. I will tell him to do/not do something and he will immediately do the opposite directly in front of me and then sort of laugh about it like he is daring me to stop/punish him. Oh yes, and I take that dare.

First, I might suggest you move the sweet to an afternoon treat and not after dinner. We did this in our house. I didn't like that the sweet was a "reward" for finishing dinner. Or what to do when one child (I have 3) finished dinner but another one didn't. Then the treats became competition, etc. Too much stress for me and creates bad eating habits with them. Also, too much sugar after dinner just screws with bedtime. So as part of their afternoon snack our kids get a sweet and something else more healthful.

Then I would recommend consequences for her lying/sneaking candy of a more immediate nature. I've tried taking away the next day's TV time but it's too much in the future to make immediate impact. Currently, we are taking away a toy for one day. So, DS disobeys, I take one toy (usually choose the one he has been playing a lot with that day) and he loses it for 24 hours. If timeouts work for you maybe that is an option. Timeouts don't seem to have much of an affect on my DS. He seems to enjoy them!

[Anonymous]

Agree with others that the first step is to remove candy and cookies from the house. We didn't have these regularly when I was growing up and it didn't make me desperate for them.

The lying is another issue, however. Does she do this in other contexts? I would want a unified approach to sneaking and lying, both of which you should expect some of, but not a lot of, from a 5 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think a lot of adults can't handle having candy and sweets in teh house, and your expectations are, indeed, too high. Don't be hard on the kid b/c she behaves like a lot of adults. A lot of dieticians would say that it is just not a good idea to keep candy in the house.

If there is candy in the house, I sometimes have a hard time ignoring it. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Don't keep the candy in your house. Candy is for special occasions like Halloween and Easter and bday parties. When it is gone, don't buy it at the store. Yes, you are expecting too much self control from a child. Read the study about the 4 yr olds who are left in a room w/ candy. If they don't eat the few pieces there and wait, they will get more candy in say 10 mins time. A majority of 4 yr olds failed this test.

[Anonymous]

It is about the candy and not about the candy. I would agree with most of the PP's...tons of candy in the house spells disaster for almost any human on earth. It can be pretty irresistible.

But I would worry about the punishment factor of the OP taking it away full-tilt.

Could be fine though....worth a try.

[Anonymous]

Interesting thread.

As a kid I snuck treats and hid them under my bed and *to this day* feel awful about the sneaking and worse about remembering the lectures when I got caught. It had nothing to do with the food; it had to do with the risk and how far I could push something. Taking the candy away isn't going to solve the problem. She will just find something else to fulfill this urge to do things she may get caught doing. I wish my parents would have seen it this way and helped me recognize why I was doing it so I could change my behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:she needs punishment. she knows exactly what she's doing and doing it behind your back is even worse.
I will skip talking about what kind of punishment I would use since it's your personal decision and it depends on your parenting style.
Today is a piece of candy, tomorrow it's something more serious.
There are several issues involved and the fact that your DH thinks it's not a big deal is also worrisome.
Your daughter is lying, she's putting herself at risk climbing on furniture, she's thinking the parents are idiots, she's eating out of other desire than hunger... it is a big deal.

Please ignore the troll.

The rules are not working.

Sit down with your child and hammer out a SOLUTION together, regarding candy and gum. Also hammer out what will happen if these rules are broken (she can come up with with her own consequences, make sure they are reasonable).

Obviously, the gum swallowing is not good, so tell her that you will try in two month, and if she swallows it then, you will have to wait.

No punishment, in all seriousness, she could start to develop eating and hoarding issues.

1st PP is not a troll.

2nd PP, however, is seriously fooling her/himself.

Hammer out a solution together? Take the damn gum away first of all. Give the child a time out for lying and stealing, and take away something for a bit. That should clear things up.

Hammer out a solution . . . laughable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Plus, you don't sit down with your FIVE-YEAR-OLD TO HAMMER OUT A SOLUTION TOGETHER. You are the parent, YOU need to come up with the solution and punishment. Egads.

Really? How 1950s of you.

My sense of OP's post is that her child is fighting her for control. Mom said no. So DD tries to outsmart mom to see if she can get away with it.

Your advice is that OP should fight harder to win by imposing a different solution/punishment. In contrast, the PP suggested taking it out of the win/lose and control context altogether, and instead making it a joint decision so that DD no longer has anything to rebel against.

I'm in PP's camp. Authoritative "I'm the parent, you're the child" discipline has its place . . . but not here. A five year old is old enough to talk about this and engage in problem-solving.

For more examples/advice on how this works, I highly recommend the book, "How to Talk so Your Children will Listen and Listen so Your Children Will Talk."

another book suggestion

yikes

PP, do you have enough common sense to parent on your own?