Q:How did you and DW decide that DW would be the carrier? Do you worry that DW might get preferential treatment as to custody if you guys divorce? I think this happened to a couple in Vermont.

A: It was very important for her to carry. If I was at all able to give that gift to her I wanted to. It would have been easier if I carried as we ran into infertility on her end, but again, it was almost primal, her wish to do this. We struggled for 2 years worth of expensive fertility treatments (which would have been covered under her insurance had we been married since it was a medical issue not just a no sperm issue).

I do worry about what would happen should we divorce. I have no legal rights to my kids. The Vermont case breaks my heart. I can't imagine losing my kids. I think it would kill me. On that cheery note I think enough of my wife that even if we did divorce she sees me as their parent and we would do custody as such. Or I would get the meanest lawyer I could find

Q: Would you tell my child that your child has two mothers? I am way too practical, and my kids know what an egg, sperm, and zygote are. They know that NO ONE has two bio parents of the same gender, like they know that NO CHILD comes from the cabbage patch or stork. Just don't want anyone to tell them that and egg plus and egg equals a zygote.

A: Yes, I would because my child *does* have two mothers. If they pressed for biology I would tell them that we went to a special doctor to get help, and that our family is possible due to the kindness of a man who donated the sperm that helped create Bobby and Billy.

That is not to say that I think 3 year olds need scientific data. In my experience one I say Bobby has 2 mommies the kid says "ok, how about hippos? Or I like trucks"or some other non sequitur.

If you as a parent are around I will answer the yes they have 2 moms part and look to you for guidance for the second. I am not going into the birds and bees if you're not ready for that.

Q: I'm shy and tend to be somewhat quiet around people I don't know well. If we met, I wonder if you'd think I was uncomfortable with your choices vs. just being me.

A: My wife is pretty shy. I think I can discern shy from discomfort.

Q: Do you worry about living in a state that is sometimes hostile to your rights? Ever consider moving for that reason, or are the practical things like school more important?

A: Absolutely, which is why I believe it should be dealt with on the federal level. We did and have considered moving, but like many of our peers, are underwater in our home. Not badly, but enough to lose our 20k downpayment. We can't afford to move, do like our neighborhood, commute, friends etc. I don't feel like I should have to move to get equal rights in this country.

Because our families are so accepting, and the legal groundwork we have laid - including extensive and expensive documentation of our intent to have and raise our family together- living wills, consent forms, guardianship forms, etc - I feel pretty ok most days. As the government in VA has started to overreach the more I feel scared. I do not think the state could make a case against my parenthood but I am no lawyer. The only thing that will give me that is second parent adoption. The biggest threat to my kids and my relationship would be divorce- so I have incentive to be a great wife and mom.

Q: How do you want people to introduce you? Like if I was introducing you to my husband. "Honey, this is Mary and her wife Jane." "This is Mary and her spouse Jane."

I wouldn't know what to say.

A: "This is Mary and her wife Jane. I went to school with Mary blah blah".

Partner is ok if you are unsure of marital status, but if I am married and you know it say wife. I do understand that it sticks in your throat for a second, but I am grateful that you get over it. Also, please don't say she is my friend. That's belittling. (FWIW I had to have this conversation with my own mother years ago, so I do understand. )

Q: What well intentioned acts or statements do straight people do/say that irritate you? I ask because I realize I would like to be able to tell my gay friends and colleagues that I'm all for marriage equality, don't view them as deviant or harmful, and think that they should be treated just like everyone else. In a nutshell, "I support you and who you are even though there is a vocal crowd out there that may believe differently." What I DON'T want to do is be offensive in my clumsy effort to show support.

A: I am not easily offended especially by well intended people. I think the above quote is nice. I would not be offended at all by it. It also helps if you see that someone is upset or hurt by another's comments to speak up. "Jane, I am sorry you had to walk by that hateful protestor."

Q:How do gay female couples generally handle having children? Do they usually adopt or use a sperm donor?

How does engagement and marriage work? By that I mean, I knew a gay couple who was engaged/living in a state that did not have marriage equality. Do some couples choose to have a ceremony only? Do they wait until gay marriage is legalized by the state? Do they get married in a state that allows it, and is the marriage recognized in other states?

A: We used an ID consent donor. I would say sperm donation is the most common route as there are many roadblocks to adoption including unfair laws and also money. Two couples I know adopted- one internationally and one with multiple kids from an open adoption.

Engagement works like with everyone else. Fall in love with "the one" and pop the question. We married in DC in a legal civil ceremony but have friends who were married in their faith communities without a civil contract.

Though my marriage is recognized by 8 states and DC, it is not in Virgina nor by the Feds. This means that while my straight colleague went and had the exact same marriage with the exact same license- his opposite sex spouse is eligible for survivor benefits from his pension, his family is covered under his insurance, his kids are recognized as his dependents. His wife and kids are eligible to collect social security death benefits. Etc etc. I obviously believe this is unfair.

Q: OP, where are you from? Are you in a gay friendly community now?

It is not easy to make friends here. Most of the of the people I know are "closed". The people I know who are actually from here are over the top nosy and "what can you do for me". All in all, the area is unhealthily competitive, not the good kind. It brings people to drastic measures (including feigned ignorance) because of the jealousy. It really sucks. Any opportunity to dig at you. Mind you this is not everyone I know.


A: I am from small town Midwest. Not even a little gay friendly. I live in Virginia now (I know, I know- but I wanted affordable good schools for my kid!!). My neighborhood is diverse but as far as I know we are the only gay family. Making friends at this age is HARD.

We are thinking of joining a UU congregation in Arlington. It's near us, right now it's hard with the little ones. We don't stay at home.

Q: Is one person in your relationship more masculine/feminine? Do you find strangers willing to bend over backwards to try to include you and defend you on your behalf because you are gay in the way some people try way too hard to be PC? And if yes, is that strange and does that make you feel like excluded despite the good intentions?

A: I am probably more masculine than my partner in the traditional sense, though I would ask that everyone challenge their ideas of what is masculine or feminine. I would not be considered "butch" by my own community, nor do I self identify in that way. Think sportyish ll bean type.

I think the way glbt people win equality is only through our allies. We need people of conscious speaking up, but not speaking *for* us if that makes sense. In the same way that I will speak out against a racist comment, but do not have the intimate understanding of living my life as a racial minority.

Q: OP, Is race a large issue for the GLBT community? I saw it mentioned on the other threads that there is discrimination ecen within the community.

A: I think race is a big issue in America in general. We have a long way to go. I also think it is difficult for those who are twice oppressed to to having more than one minority status. We don't get very far when we rank oppressions, but it is natural I think to try to find corralaries when trying to make a point.

Q:OP-do have what's considered a civil union? What do you mean by legally married? Did you have a ceremony? How accepting are you and your wife's family? Stupid question, but why do you feel there is so much anti-gay marriage sentiment in the general public? PS-thanks for answering the TP roll question.

I have a marriage. Just like anyone who is married in the District. We had a ceremony at the courthouse with family and friends. Our families are very accepting, perhaps even moreso now that we have kids. Not a stupid question, I think that there is so much anti equal marriage sentiment due to homophobia, which is often based in sexism. I think that people fear what they don't understand.

Q: OP, do you have any questions for US while this conversation is going along?

A: Sure- how *do* you make friends in this town?

Qo you ever sense that people are trying to befriend you because they want the opportunity to expose their children to a family with children completely unlike their own? Do you sense people avoid your family for the same reason? Do you consider alternative family an offensive description?

A: I can't imagine someone befriending me due to my sexual orientation. I would also argue that my family isn't one "completely unlike their own." Aside from 2 moms, we are a pretty typical Americal family. I think there would be more differences between a family from another culture (say someone raised in Japan or something) than from just the fact that there are two women heading out family.

I don't *think* people avoid us due to our differences, but I could be naieve. We don't have any close straight friends with kids. Without kids yes, acquaintances, yes, but not friends. Could be due to the oft cited difficulty making fiends in this area issue.

I don't love the term, we are just a family. I'm not sure why someone would need to call us out.

She brought the idea up, but I bought a ring and proposed. I have never been so nervous. Until we were married we both wore engagement rings. Now we both wear bands.

Q: Do you have to field questions from your kids' friends about being gay and what it all means?

A: My kids' friends are still pretty little, but all the daycare kids know. The one time a little one seemed upset was because HE wanted two mommies instead if just one. For the most part it doesn't phase them at all. Some kids there have single parents, one is raised by a grandparent. So, for now all is well. I am prepared to answer questions if they arise.