Anonymous wrote:Your problem is asking for help on a board of people who mostly favor the wife, always.

She was wrong to make plans without asking you, even if your yearly plans were not in play. She also knows you have annual plans, so she did this on purpose. Find out why she acted that way. Was she trying to make a point to your parents about them not formally extending an invitation? Was she making a point to you about not wanting to go? Without that information everything else is just noise.

Also, stop going to her family's so much if you don't want to. She can go herself, just like you can go yourself to your parents'.

Thank you for the excellent advice.

I use to go to her parents' less before kids. I love being with my kids so that it is sometimes why I just suck the craziness and go.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't throw this on your wife and monther.
It is YOUR responsibility to adult and act like one.
It is YOUR job to have spoken to your mom months ago by calling and asking "hey dad's birthday falls on a Thursday this year, Laral and i are wondering when the celebration is planed".

Then talking to Larla and stating "Mom is planning Dad's birthday celebration on teh 31st, does that work for us?"

See, you actually ask and communicate with the women in your life.
Your just mad your wife has an escape plan and didn't include you in it.

OP, if you did to me what you said you did above (txting mom and wife and told them to work it out) I would absolutely not go to your father's birthday. I'd say "sorry Jim didn't work out the scheduling with you earlier. I have already invited a friend and her son to my parents. Jim can drive over for a birthday celebration himself or we can come another weekend." F u Jim.

So the fact that she made plans without checking is totally cool? So I can take the kids to my families for the day without consulting her or making plans. I guess I can say FU to all her family events too where her mom gets crazy and she is walking around annoyed.

Anonymous wrote:

vtbigdog wrote:

Anonymous wrote:tell your mom that all of you can't make it because they already have plans but that you can be there if she wants. and to next time give you more of a heads up. The 29th is a Thursday, so why couldn't his bday acknowledgement happen the previous weekend (is THIS weekend).

Also, sorry dude, but you seem to be acting the victim here. You're a victim of your wife, your mother, and your golden boy brother. Come on. Your dad's bday doesn't change, you said yourself you guys typically go to visit. So why didn't YOU make plans, block off that weekend, ask mom when you should come to celebrate? And if you feel the way you do about your brother, why haven't you talked to your parents about how their treatment makes you feel? Sounds to me you expected your wife to make the plans and want to blame her for not remembering or prioritizing your father's birthday (which is in the middle of the week, not a weekend this year). Nope. It's YOUR job to prioritize it.

We normally go to my parents for this weekend for a least dinner. My wife made plans without checking with me. I would have red flagged it before. I mentioned it was the weekend we normally go to my parents house.

It is like if I made plans on my wife's mother's birthday or the 4th. Kind of givens that we are doing those things.

Ok guy. So really, you’re just mad at your wife. Got it. Even though your father’s birthday falls between two weekends. Even though you didn’t proactively check with your mother about when this would take place since it all hinges upon the golden boy brother apparently. Even though you feel like there’s a golden boy brother in the picture and don’t do anything about that. Maybe your wife doesn’t like your family? Maybe when she’s there she feels like a servant in daycare worker and not a guestMaybe she’s annoyed that you constantly assume she knows what you’re thinking and what you want and expect. Maybe she wants to spend time with her friend which involves a playmate for your child which, as a mother myself, is kind of a big deal. Built-in entertainment and memory-making for your kid. But, by all means, pin it on her and continue to avoid any responsibility for making plans with your own parents.

My wife's mom's birthday automatically falls between 2 birthdays, but I do not automatically make plans without asking her. It is called common courtesy. I am actually around just as much for my kids as my wife and switched jobs to be there more and cook several nights a week.

In regrad to childcare, maye you are reflecting your own relationship?

Anonymous wrote:You can't throw this on your wife and monther.
It is YOUR responsibility to adult and act like one.
It is YOUR job to have spoken to your mom months ago by calling and asking "hey dad's birthday falls on a Thursday this year, Laral and i are wondering when the celebration is planed".

Then talking to Larla and stating "Mom is planning Dad's birthday celebration on teh 31st, does that work for us?"

See, you actually ask and communicate with the women in your life.
Your just mad your wife has an escape plan and didn't include you in it.

How am I not acting like an adult? My wife made plans without talking to me about it. My mom assumed plans without asking me. I would have said we need to chose another weekend. So if I make plans on her mom's birthday without checking with her, she should start acting like an adult? I communicated but they made assumptions.

Do you know how may times I want an escape plan, but out of courtesy and being a good partner I do stuff with her crazy family?

Anonymous wrote:Okay now I don't understand your and your wife's thinking. This is an annual tradition, yes? So why do you expect your mom to check with you when she could very well assume that you're all coming anyway.

Your wife, on the other hand, may not like this level of ambiguity and invited a friend b/c this is her passive aggressive way of dealing with it.

Sounds like you resent it too and want more concrete planning leading up to the event.

You all have your communications issues. I'd start with your wife and find out why she planned the weekend without checking with you first. Regardless of what else is going on, this is not ok. I'd also be clear with your mom regarding expectations. But your biggest issue right now is your wife.

My wife basically said "well you don't always want to come to my parents lake house", so I figured it would be OK. Total BS in my opinion.

So I texted them both and said you guys make plans. I am done.

Anonymous wrote:

I would say screw it and go fishing in another 100s of miles away. You have the answer right there.

If it was not for the kids, I would be packing up my rods and reels.

Anonymous wrote:tell your mom that all of you can't make it because they already have plans but that you can be there if she wants. and to next time give you more of a heads up. The 29th is a Thursday, so why couldn't his bday acknowledgement happen the previous weekend (is THIS weekend).

Also, sorry dude, but you seem to be acting the victim here. You're a victim of your wife, your mother, and your golden boy brother. Come on. Your dad's bday doesn't change, you said yourself you guys typically go to visit. So why didn't YOU make plans, block off that weekend, ask mom when you should come to celebrate? And if you feel the way you do about your brother, why haven't you talked to your parents about how their treatment makes you feel? Sounds to me you expected your wife to make the plans and want to blame her for not remembering or prioritizing your father's birthday (which is in the middle of the week, not a weekend this year). Nope. It's YOUR job to prioritize it.

We normally go to my parents for this weekend for a least dinner. My wife made plans without checking with me. I would have red flagged it before. I mentioned it was the weekend we normally go to my parents house.

It is like if I made plans on my wife's mother's birthday or the 4th. Kind of givens that we are doing those things.

Because my parents want to see the kids and the friend that my wife invited has a son the same age as my son. So it would be pulling him away from fun and kind of leaving the kid alone.

OK, I need some help on this...

My father's birthday weekend is usually around the 29th and it is the one time we usually book out to visit them on a regular basis (usually just a day trip). We do not do much with my family and do a lot with her family.

My wife goes ahead and invites her friend to go to her parent's house for that weekend without asking me. It is the weekend we usually go to my parents for a day to celebrate my dad's birthday. However, my mom never plans this out with us and expects us to automatically show up. Since my bother is the golden child and will be there (everything revolves around him and his plans) I am expected to be there. My mom never asks will it work for us, but if it works my brother I am suppose to drop everything and show up. After basically not inviting us to show up on Saturday because they want to head out early for a special spot on the lake and need to get a mooring, my mom expects us to show up for all of Sunday.

My wife on the other hand invited her friend for the entire weekend to her parents' house and now I am stuck negotiating between both of them. The houses are 45 minutes apart. If I did not have kids, I would say screw it and go fishing in another 100s of miles away.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?