Based on her behavior and stories she's told me about her family, I'm convinced that her ADHD (and other "diagnosed" ailments) are excuses for her self-absorbtion which borders on narcissism. Her college-educated parents bizarrely believe in inherited, not nurtured behavior and further excuse her behavior as passed down by the women in her father's family. Except every negative story my MIL has told me about her father applies to my wife.

I'm the breadwinner and default parent. I believe that of our shared responsibilities (excluding financial), I do 75% of the work. The term "underfunctioning" fits perfectly.

The underfunctioning part is hard but not as hard as the criticism she dishes out. It's like a punch to the stomach followed by a kick to the balls.

What are strategies those of you with "underfunctioning" partners employ?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, based on my experience being married to an underfunctioning, depressive and likely ADHD spouse, I think an honest discussion needs to be had about the state of her mental health and her ability to manage the house. I suspect that they reality for you is that, if you want to stay married, you need to accept that you don't have a fully-participating life partner. ...

Sad but true. I am in the process of accepting my husband as the underfunctioning partner, and it's tough going.

Are you guys really okay with that? That's like being married to an alcoholic. I actually am married to an alcoholic, but no way would I stay married to him if he were not in recovery or if he refused treatment.

She's not going to hurt the children or herself (like an alcoholic might), and divorcing her would mean the OP had 100% responsibility + child support, etc.. He doesn't hate her; she just isn't a full partner. In time, he may lose a lot of respect for her and the marriage may not survive. But right now, it's not great, but it's not the same as living with an alcoholic.

Apologies for resurrecting a thread from October, but its kind of eerie how much the original quote matches my situation, with the under-functioning wife who is depressed and ADHD.

Here's a another reason for not considering divorce: She believes in acquiescing her to what she believes are the expectations of her friends and family. Despite clearly not being cut out for being a parent and honestly accepting that walking away would be good for her, she would fight for custody.

Selfishly, it would devastate me to not have full access to my daughter. Not-so-selfishly, my child would suffer from neglect from my wife's self-centeredness/self-absorbtion.

Finally, in my scenario, I see a far worse solution. In any split custody situation, I'd be at her beck and call to take care of our child (e.g.,"I'm too tired, you need to come get her!").

Furthermore, her mother has been itching to move closer to us and she would likely invite my wife to live with her. While my mother-in-law is a good woman, she has no backbone to either make decisions that could be contrary a child (e.g.,"I want candy for dinner" "Well ok!") and won't stand up to her daughter. With my wife's unwillingness to raise our child, my MIL would be the one effectively raising her and in a situation that would mirror how my wife was raised (my wife's behaviors copied exactly from her father).