Message
I am so sorry for all that you're dealing with. Kudos to you for having the courage to say out loud that parenting can SUCK!
I "inherited" 3 step-daughters who were raised for the majority of their lives by a horrible woman who taught them nothing that a child SHOULD learn, and everything that a child SHOULD NOT learn. Though the girls were well into elementary school when we got full custody of them, they had serious issues that should have been addressed before age 5. As a result, every seemingly simple step for an 'average' kid living under 'normal' circumstances was an immense struggle. Every attempt to change negative behaviors was one step forward and SEVERAL steps back. Though I knew we were doing the right thing, it was so hard to keep trying. Their learned behaviors and mother's continued negative influence were a CONSTANT strain on our entire household.
I was a single, independent, hard-working, successful woman up to the day I signed on for the insanity. Up to that point, there was never a goal that I hadn't been able to accomplish. I read parenting books, "How to Be a Stepmom" books, and "Taking Care of Yourself" books. I talked to step-moms. I had also been formally trained on many aspects of motherhood. Though I knew my new role as step-mom would be incredibly challenging, I was naive to how truly difficult it would be.
Within a year of entering this new dimension, I suddenly assumed the role of "Mom" 100% of the time when Bio Mom abruptly dropped out of the girls' lives. Every negative multiplied. Every positive was erased. Though it's a crude analogy, I felt as though someone dropped a dumpster full of trash on my door step. And it was solely my job to sort through and clean it up.
Though I (and we) have come a long way since then, parenting continues to be the most difficult challenge I have ever encountered. I continue to struggle to regain some of my former self, but must remind myself regularly that I CHOSE THIS. Many days I say that through gritted teeth. I struggle every day to see how much the girls NEED me in their lives and how much their lives have improved since I entered the picture. On my really good days, I can even see how much they've improved MY life, and how much I need them. I know in my heart that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. But I am sometimes, admittedly selfishly, angry and resentful of the girls and their mother. I have even been resentful of my own family and friends who offer advice and make assumptions about my life as "Mom."
I resented the fact that I was completely ALONE in my struggle. Therapists, family members, friends, and even my own husband could not understand what it was like to be in my shoes - how truly difficult it was to walk the line between change and acceptance. To this day, I have the "Serenity Prayer" all over my home.
Three years later, I still have more bad parenting days than good. The good days being those in which I can be calm, objective, nurturing, unresentful, and truly understanding of the girls' struggles - not just my own. It takes a lot of venting, reflection, breathing, and simply stepping away sometimes to get myself back on track.
Reluctantly, I sought counseling for myself, our family, and each of the girls individually. For a variety of reasons, we are not currently in any counseling/therapy. But we are open to it in the future. Through therapy, I learned that:
I am human.
I am not Super Woman, nor should I try to be.
I CANNOT accomplish all that I have placed on my OWN plate.
I MUST stop being a control freak and perfectionist, and place things on others' plates.
I MUST take time for myself each and every day - even if it's just 10 minutes.
I MUST NOT feel guilty about taking time for myself.
I must say NO more often.
I MUST NOT feel guilty about saying NO.
It's OK to step away and be "selfish."
Stepping away is NOT being selfish! It's simply taking care of myself, so that I can continue to care for others.
Though it was longer than intended, I hope that my sharing my own frustrations encourages you to give yourself some credit, and to feel renewed about your strengths and abilities as a parent - strengths and abilities of which you may not feel capable right now.
I will pray that you will find support and understanding around you, no matter how small it may be. For me, every little bit helped! I hope that you will find small moments that validate the positive difference you are making in the life of your child. I pray that you will find time for you, THE WOMAN, not just Mom.
I hope that things get better for you soon. Thank you for sharing your struggles. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!
I "inherited" 3 step-daughters who were raised for the majority of their lives by a horrible woman who taught them nothing that a child SHOULD learn, and everything that a child SHOULD NOT learn. Though the girls were well into elementary school when we got full custody of them, they had serious issues that should have been addressed before age 5. As a result, every seemingly simple step for an 'average' kid living under 'normal' circumstances was an immense struggle. Every attempt to change negative behaviors was one step forward and SEVERAL steps back. Though I knew we were doing the right thing, it was so hard to keep trying. Their learned behaviors and mother's continued negative influence were a CONSTANT strain on our entire household.
I was a single, independent, hard-working, successful woman up to the day I signed on for the insanity. Up to that point, there was never a goal that I hadn't been able to accomplish. I read parenting books, "How to Be a Stepmom" books, and "Taking Care of Yourself" books. I talked to step-moms. I had also been formally trained on many aspects of motherhood. Though I knew my new role as step-mom would be incredibly challenging, I was naive to how truly difficult it would be.
Within a year of entering this new dimension, I suddenly assumed the role of "Mom" 100% of the time when Bio Mom abruptly dropped out of the girls' lives. Every negative multiplied. Every positive was erased. Though it's a crude analogy, I felt as though someone dropped a dumpster full of trash on my door step. And it was solely my job to sort through and clean it up.
Though I (and we) have come a long way since then, parenting continues to be the most difficult challenge I have ever encountered. I continue to struggle to regain some of my former self, but must remind myself regularly that I CHOSE THIS. Many days I say that through gritted teeth. I struggle every day to see how much the girls NEED me in their lives and how much their lives have improved since I entered the picture. On my really good days, I can even see how much they've improved MY life, and how much I need them. I know in my heart that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be. But I am sometimes, admittedly selfishly, angry and resentful of the girls and their mother. I have even been resentful of my own family and friends who offer advice and make assumptions about my life as "Mom."
I resented the fact that I was completely ALONE in my struggle. Therapists, family members, friends, and even my own husband could not understand what it was like to be in my shoes - how truly difficult it was to walk the line between change and acceptance. To this day, I have the "Serenity Prayer" all over my home.
Three years later, I still have more bad parenting days than good. The good days being those in which I can be calm, objective, nurturing, unresentful, and truly understanding of the girls' struggles - not just my own. It takes a lot of venting, reflection, breathing, and simply stepping away sometimes to get myself back on track.
Reluctantly, I sought counseling for myself, our family, and each of the girls individually. For a variety of reasons, we are not currently in any counseling/therapy. But we are open to it in the future. Through therapy, I learned that:
I am human.
I am not Super Woman, nor should I try to be.
I CANNOT accomplish all that I have placed on my OWN plate.
I MUST stop being a control freak and perfectionist, and place things on others' plates.
I MUST take time for myself each and every day - even if it's just 10 minutes.
I MUST NOT feel guilty about taking time for myself.
I must say NO more often.
I MUST NOT feel guilty about saying NO.
It's OK to step away and be "selfish."
Stepping away is NOT being selfish! It's simply taking care of myself, so that I can continue to care for others.
Though it was longer than intended, I hope that my sharing my own frustrations encourages you to give yourself some credit, and to feel renewed about your strengths and abilities as a parent - strengths and abilities of which you may not feel capable right now.
I will pray that you will find support and understanding around you, no matter how small it may be. For me, every little bit helped! I hope that you will find small moments that validate the positive difference you are making in the life of your child. I pray that you will find time for you, THE WOMAN, not just Mom.
I hope that things get better for you soon. Thank you for sharing your struggles. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!
Wow. Gotta love reality TV. But that promo gave me a confidence boost in my parenting abilities and choices! I think that's what "reality" TV is all about...so we can watch and say, "At least I'm not THEM!"
I use the pet store brand of crystals litter (PetSmart, Petco) in a ScoopFree automatic litter box system. I have used the system for about 3 years now and I absolutely LOVE IT. I used the traditional clay clumping litter for 13 years prior. The automatic unit is pricey ($130-$170), but completely worth it in my opinion. I have tried other automatic systems over the years and have quickly returned every single one of them. I am truly happy with this system and I save money and time with the methods I use.
The ScoopFree system is designed to be used with disposable litter trays that are pre-filled with the proper type and amount of litter (must be crystals). The trays from ScoopFree are about $50 for 3. One tray is supposed to last about 3-4 weeks with one cat and about 1-2 weeks with two or more cats (of course that can vary). There are discounts for automatic delivery of the trays from the company. There are also off-brands of similar trays that are less expensive, but still pricey.
The disposable tray system is ideal for those who simply hate dealing with the litter box at all. I would love to go this route, but simply cannot justify spending so much on disposable trays. Instead, I do the dirty work to spend less. I found a permanent tray system online for less than $30 that completely replaces the disposable trays (not recommended by ScoopFree, of course). I place the same amount of store brand litter crystals as the disposable trays and get 2-3 stink-free weeks out of one litter change (1 adult cat). I hate cleaning the litter box at the end of those 2-3 weeks (the bottom layer is pretty nasty by that time), but it's far less work than I used to do with the traditional litter box. A dump in the garbage can and 5-6 Clorox wipes and I'm done!
There is also much less tracking with the crystal litter. Even wet crystals vacuum up easily without adhering to the brushes or tubing.
The ScoopFree system is designed to be used with disposable litter trays that are pre-filled with the proper type and amount of litter (must be crystals). The trays from ScoopFree are about $50 for 3. One tray is supposed to last about 3-4 weeks with one cat and about 1-2 weeks with two or more cats (of course that can vary). There are discounts for automatic delivery of the trays from the company. There are also off-brands of similar trays that are less expensive, but still pricey.
The disposable tray system is ideal for those who simply hate dealing with the litter box at all. I would love to go this route, but simply cannot justify spending so much on disposable trays. Instead, I do the dirty work to spend less. I found a permanent tray system online for less than $30 that completely replaces the disposable trays (not recommended by ScoopFree, of course). I place the same amount of store brand litter crystals as the disposable trays and get 2-3 stink-free weeks out of one litter change (1 adult cat). I hate cleaning the litter box at the end of those 2-3 weeks (the bottom layer is pretty nasty by that time), but it's far less work than I used to do with the traditional litter box. A dump in the garbage can and 5-6 Clorox wipes and I'm done!
There is also much less tracking with the crystal litter. Even wet crystals vacuum up easily without adhering to the brushes or tubing.