Anonymous wrote:I hope this advice does not come across as an over simplification of a difficult and complex situation for you, but as someone who has also had to deal with this during the course of her pregnancy it is my own experience and how I am getting through it.

I have chosen to be a single mother (chosen by not settling for a relationship that is not right for me for a lifetime). I realize this is not the same course you have as you go through a divorce. It is however, the same life experience in the end...the need to be strong and move forward in circumstances you did not envision for yourself. I as well always felt that I would stay at home with my children. I felt it was worth the sacrifices and that it could be financially achieved if it was a high enough priority within your marriage. I loathe the idea that someone else will spend all day with my children teaching them the things I want to teach, engaging with them in activities I want to be there for, and spending time with them I want for myself. I am nearing my delivery date quickly and still cringe at the thought of returning to work while my child is cared for by another. I refuse to think about that time because honestly it hurts to do so.

Now, with that said, you asked how to grieve it. Honestly, I allow myself a moment to feel that pain and then I take a deep breath, remind myself that it is not a choice I have to stay home right now, and move forward mentally. I think not grieving it is what has allowed me to move forward and see the positives. I focus all my energy instead on finding the best way to achieve the experiences and time I want with my child. In my case this will be going back to an earlier work schedule so I can spend less time in traffic and have more time before bedtime in the evenings. I think of all the things I can do on the weekends and how to be efficient during the week to allow for the fun stuff. I think of the experiences I will be able to give my children like summer camp which was a big part of my childhood that I would not be able to afford if I was staying home. In other words I focus on what I do have to offer, not what I can not. And yes, there are moments that I wish life were different, but honestly I stop that thought process in my head before I even start down that path. Sometimes you have to take a tough love approach with yourself mentally and say that wishing, hoping, or praying things were different than they are will do nothing for me. Instead make the best out of the cards you have been dealt in life. Honestly, I think that is what speaks volumes about a person.....the way they handle the unexpected. Your children will come to know how you handled this time in your life as they get older and if your focus on the positive they will remember that. Unfortunately, allow yourself to be swallowed by bitterness and anger and they will also remember that.

I am not saying it isn't tough or trying to come down on you OP - I am simply saying that this is how I have handled it..... tough love on myself when I reach for a place in my mind that will only lead to dissapointment.

I am sorry for the difficult time in your life and wish you the best.