How do grieve the loss of hoping to stay home with my kids?

[Anonymous]

This is my personal perspective and I hope this doesn't devolve into a flaming SAHM vs WM thread, because that's not my intent.

That said, I am really having a hard time emotionally with my lot in life. I am divorcing my husband over many things, but the thing that brought our issues to a breaking point was his total denial that the best thing for the kids would be to have me stay home with them for a couple of years when the littlest starts kindergarten. My job is consuming me, the kids are falling apart, and all he says is "if I have to work, you have to work". So I cannot resign, even though we can afford it, we talked about it and he agreed, but has now rescinded.

All that history is neither here nor there, but it is the framework from which I'm operating.

So, as I prepare to divorce him, of course I'm realizing I will never get to stay home with my kids again. Which is incredibly sad and painful for me, and I'm finding all kinds of difficulties trying to think about childcare solutions for them, etc. All those issues aside, my question is: where and how to I start the grieving process for not being able to stay home with them? I have a lot of ANGER at STBXH, a lot of regret and sadness, but I feel like this is a dream I haven't yet put down. I've always pursued my dreams, I can't think of one dream in my life I just set aside and said, "nope, going to give this one up". Except this one. And I don't know what to do to move on and accept it.

Are there any suggestions for concrete things that would help me come to terms with this reality, grieve it as a real loss, and make the best of my circumstances? This anger and bitterness isn't helping me get through it. Thanks!

[Anonymous]

So sorry you're going through this. I remember a post a few months back about the same kind of thing - they could afford for the mom to SAH, but the husband refused. (maybe you're the same poster?)

I know getting divorced is very expensive, but maybe you could stop working and try to get alimony for awhile so you can stay home? Rent an apartment instead of staying in a house, or move to a more reasonable neighborhood? You'd be saving on after school childcare and work expenses. Or try to go part time?

If you've already thought of all of those things...then I would have a good cry, bitch to my girlfriends and then be thankful for every minute I have with my kids!
I got to stay home for 2 years - the last year at work has literally been painful for me to endure some days. I wish I could work school hours (or less). Oh, how I miss being a SAHM.

I don't have an exact answer to your questions, but I understand the loss.
Since you are going throug a divorce - I would get a therapist and work through those, as well as the SAHM issues.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP I am so sorry you have to deal with that. It is painful and sad. I am a SAHM but we can barely afford it. We live comfortably but can't contribute to savings right now or eat out, etc. Iam sorry your husband doesnt see the benefit the kids would have with you being home a few short years.

[Anonymous]

Wait--take a step back. Who says you will never be a SAHM again? Maybe you can look into working from home or maybe and please don't slam me for this..there will be another man in your future who will be supportive of you being a SAHM. I agree that this one issue is not the only thing wrong with your relationship but is a symptom of other things so I say to you.. Get excited about this!! You made a decision that was hard but you did it! Now that you have done this you have nothing but wonderful future plans in front of you--maybe a new career that could be more home friendly maybe a great love who is truly a partner.. Who knows maybe more kids!! Leaving a bad situation is tough but staying with someone who you feel is not respecting you and not on the same page in terms of family rearing is worse. So..get a good cry out and then start to think of your exciting life that is ahead of you!!

Happy holidays!!!

[Anonymous]

Wow...I can't believe I have found somebody so closely in my situation. I thought I was alone. I am going through the same thing with DH. We, too, can afford for me to stay home, and I want nothing more. We fought so much over this issue, because he does not want me at home...resists me even working part-time. He says he just never wanted to be married to a SAHM, and feels let down that his once career-driven wife has now turned her passion toward the kids. He is not sympathetic at all to the fact that I would put all my energy, passion, education, intelligence, etc. into being home and raising the kids while they are little...I would treat it like the challenging and rewarding job that it most certainly is. But he just simply wants me to be working for the sake of me working. (I also don't think he sees being a SAHM as "real work"...which makes me cringe but nothing I can say will change his mind about this.) I guess there's the bit of "if I'm working, you're working" as well. We finally came to a compromise of me being able to quit at a certain time, but then he, too, rescinded. (I swear I felt like I was reading my life when I read your post to the point where I started to cry.) Now he even objects to me requesting part-time at my job. Of course he can't stop me from requesting part-time, since I refuse to be controlled by such unreasonableness, but the question for me is now do I just go ahead and request it and risk him leaving me (which he has threatened to do) and then have even LESS time with the kids? I go round and round in my head all the time and am at a total loss. So, I guess I'm of no help to you in a way, because I don't have the solution, either, but I'm so willing to talk with you and share our feelings if you are interested. Maybe we could help each other emotionally somehow, since we have both dealt/are dealing with similar issues. I feel sometimes like I can only go so far with my supportive girlfriends who just can't relate because their DH's are so supportive of their choices. If you want, post an email where I can contact you and I'll give you my contact info. If not, best of luck to you, and I'm thinking about you.

[Anonymous]

I hope this advice does not come across as an over simplification of a difficult and complex situation for you, but as someone who has also had to deal with this during the course of her pregnancy it is my own experience and how I am getting through it.

I have chosen to be a single mother (chosen by not settling for a relationship that is not right for me for a lifetime). I realize this is not the same course you have as you go through a divorce. It is however, the same life experience in the end...the need to be strong and move forward in circumstances you did not envision for yourself. I as well always felt that I would stay at home with my children. I felt it was worth the sacrifices and that it could be financially achieved if it was a high enough priority within your marriage. I loathe the idea that someone else will spend all day with my children teaching them the things I want to teach, engaging with them in activities I want to be there for, and spending time with them I want for myself. I am nearing my delivery date quickly and still cringe at the thought of returning to work while my child is cared for by another. I refuse to think about that time because honestly it hurts to do so.

Now, with that said, you asked how to grieve it. Honestly, I allow myself a moment to feel that pain and then I take a deep breath, remind myself that it is not a choice I have to stay home right now, and move forward mentally. I think not grieving it is what has allowed me to move forward and see the positives. I focus all my energy instead on finding the best way to achieve the experiences and time I want with my child. In my case this will be going back to an earlier work schedule so I can spend less time in traffic and have more time before bedtime in the evenings. I think of all the things I can do on the weekends and how to be efficient during the week to allow for the fun stuff. I think of the experiences I will be able to give my children like summer camp which was a big part of my childhood that I would not be able to afford if I was staying home. In other words I focus on what I do have to offer, not what I can not. And yes, there are moments that I wish life were different, but honestly I stop that thought process in my head before I even start down that path. Sometimes you have to take a tough love approach with yourself mentally and say that wishing, hoping, or praying things were different than they are will do nothing for me. Instead make the best out of the cards you have been dealt in life. Honestly, I think that is what speaks volumes about a person.....the way they handle the unexpected. Your children will come to know how you handled this time in your life as they get older and if your focus on the positive they will remember that. Unfortunately, allow yourself to be swallowed by bitterness and anger and they will also remember that.

I am not saying it isn't tough or trying to come down on you OP - I am simply saying that this is how I have handled it..... tough love on myself when I reach for a place in my mind that will only lead to dissapointment.

I am sorry for the difficult time in your life and wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Hold on a minute. OP, you said your husband "denied" your wish to stay home with your kids. But maybe he just didn't want to be the sole provider? That's a lot of pressure on one person, and I know my husband wouldn't agree to that (but I knew that when I married him, so that's not an issue). I make a lot of money and my husband could stay home, but he doesn't want to and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like it. Marriage is a partnership and his feelings should be given equal weight. I also noticed that you said that you wanted to stay home once the little one reached kindergarten. Why stay home once all the kids are in school? I can kind of see why your husband felt that this would be unfair. I have lots of friends who stay home while their kids are in school all day and frankly, they have a pretty cushy gig -- gym time, pedicures, lunches etc. I understand that you had a certain picture of how you wanted things to be. But take a step back and consider a few things: one, maybe you were investing too much into the SAHM dream as a cure-all for all your problems; two, your husband might have had his own "dream" too, and his feelings and wishes deserve some consideration. And three, don't you think divorcing your kids' father and turning their lives upside down is going to be just as bad if not worse than them not having a SAHM? Is your marriage really irretrievably broken? Have you tried counseling? I"m not trying to be hard on you; I know you are going through a tough time, but I think you need to consider all sides here.

[Anonymous]

14:38, I hate to say this but you are offering advice that the OP didn't ask for, and questioning her choices, wishes and values as well. Based on your post, I think you're projecting some of your own stuff onto her. I'm now a SAHM after working steadily since I was 16, and earning a doctorate into the bargain, and I don't have gym time, pedicures or lunches out (except with my child). Perhaps your friends do, but don't project that onto the OP.

OP, I'm sorry for you. I think some of the other posters have offered good advice, and empathy too. Please take the good things you can from the posters here and don't be hurt by the 14:38 poster.

[clarabow]

I think the PP's advice is legit. It may be best to try counseling before divorce -- it's so easy to become wed to our own perspective and assume we know how and why the other person thinks and feels the way they do. It might be that both partners have valid, but conflicting, needs/wants here and they just have a completely broken communication around the issue at this point.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it may be best to try counseling before divorce; I'm a therapist, and I agree with that (and not just to keep myself in business!) But we don't know the full story, and the OP was asking for advice specifically on how to grieve what she perceives as a loss. It is her life, her perception. I don't think she is grieving lost pedicures and lunches and gym time.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Thanks for all the wonderful responses! I would love to email with my "twin", so please send me a note at [e-mail] and I would love to talk to someone who has been where I've been!

14:38 is okay in her questions. I should've used better grammar when I posted earlier. I want to stay home UNTIL my youngest starts Kindergarten, which is another 2 years. Also, I have suffered enough verbal and mental abuse, as well as adultery, as I care to stomach, so I was basically just gritting my teeth to get along and placate him for the next two years if it meant I could stay home with my little ones. When he refused to "allow" that (he's that Archie Bunker stereotype), that was simply the only reason I was staying at this point, was to be a SAHM. Now EVERY last THING in my marriage is $hit (pardon me, but that's just the anger talking right now...) so I feel like I gave it more than 100% over the past 7 years.

I don't feel sad at all about divorcing him. Leaving him and creating a stable, loving home for my kids is in everyone's best interest. He was throwing things at me in front of the kids, and yelling terrible profane names at me in front of my kids. I feel sad for my kids to go through a divorce, and I am heartbroken that I am missing these years that I will never, ever get back again.

I really appreciate all the perspective you have all offered - - there are some words of wisdom in there that just about made me cry, and I will try to remember this when I get down in the dumps over where I am in life, and just focus on what I can control and the good things about my 'new' life that I have to look forward to.

[Anonymous]

OP one more time: We've done therapy. After the second infidelity, I was going to leave, and DH asked to go to couples counseling (we'd already seen at least 5 different ones over our years together). He came to the sessions a total of 3 out of 15 times. I believe the last time he went, the therapist was asking him to think back on his male role models and determine why he has the need to seek out another woman. His dad and uncles all were having affairs, and their wives knew it. He thinks he's come so far from his roots, and this was over the edge to see himself painted black like all the other men in his family.

Like I said, I do believe I've left no stone unturned in trying to hold it together. His own mother and sisters have told me they would've left him a long time ago if they were in my shoes (they know about the affairs, one was with his ex wife). His own MOM! My parents have offered to PAY for my divorce if I would just do it already.

So, all that's left to grieve is the loss of my children's childhoods as a SAHM. I'm trying to find a better life balance so I can be with them more and be more productive maybe getting my work done in less time. I work from home, so I have a great setup if only I wasn't so slammed with projects all the time.

[Anonymous]

This is the 15:56 poster. OP, your last post provided a lot of additional information about the abuse you have experienced, which makes it clear you are grieving a whole lot here. I am so sorry. You are right to end a situation in which your husband throws things at you and yells profanity at you in front of your children. Please be careful. I wish you all the best.

[Anonymous]

14:38 here. I wasn't trying to judge you, and the additional information you provided makes things clearer. I'm so sorry for what you're go ing through. But you will make it! You seem like a strong person and you are doing the right thing for you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

Honey, I am so sorry for what you have gone through. Hugs to you for taking care of yourself and your kids and doing what you know is right. Hang in there. It will get better.