Why am I all but ghosted by grieving friends?

[Anonymous]

It’s happened twice now and I can’t figure it out.

Twice I’ve had friends lose close loved ones and then I’m ghosted. What am I doing wrong? I can’t ask them because I would never make it about me, but I want to know what happened!

The first, from behind the scenes I coordinated a gift card train from those of us who are friends but not local. I collected about $800 in grocery and close and deliverable restaurants near her, and had them securely delivered, signed delivery. I never got so much as an acknowledgement, which I didn’t expect, but what hurt was when she would take to Facebook to mention different flower bouquets or photo books, etc, that others had sent her. After that, when I would reach out, I never got responses. But about a month ago, she sent me a FB message asking about my life. I responded to her questions and asked about her. It shows read, but she never responded back.

Had a closer friend suffer a loss recently. Sent food, helped but not too much, after the funeral, would send nice cards. Then my calls started going unanswered. There was a natural disaster near where she lives and texted, asked if it affected her, could I help in any way. All I got was, “Nope. Not close to us.”

Why the silent treatment? Am I being too much?

[Anonymous]

This right here.

[Anonymous]

Are you for real, OP? When people are grieving, they are just trying to survive day to day in the beginning! Stop making this about you.

[Anonymous]

They can barely breathe, OP.

[Anonymous]

I can’t speak for your friends, but when I was grieving, I was basically a walking zombie. Trying to think coherently took a lot of effort. Driving safely and taking care of my kids left little room for anything else.

Your gift card train was thoughtful and remarkably generous, but in the chaos, somebody else might have gone through condolence messages and shuffled with money to grandma, or other family member. Everybody tries their best, but there’s a lot to coordinate and nobody’s functioning well. I’m sure your gift was helpful. I’m sure your friend appreciates your concern and support, but may not be aware that you are directly responsible for all $800 of gift cards.

I don’t know how long ago their losses were, or the depth of their pain, but it can take a long time to get close to anything approximating normal, and even then there’ll be good days and bad days. It sounds like the friend who reached out, is making an attempt, but may just not be ready.

Some people are better, in general, of staying in touch. Adding in grief makes it worse for everyone. Your friend may not have been up to keeping in touch initially, and when they eventually start to emerge from their grief, they may feel guilty and think it’s too late to reach out. I suggest you continue reaching out, low-key, on an occasional basis (maybe once or twice a year). I don’t know if you’re being too much, but you are certainly being a lot. I think it’s very kind, and you have a good heart, but keep in mind they’re probably going to feel shell-shocked and in survival mode for a while and may not have any resources to notice anything outside of what’s needed immediately to get through each day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They can barely breathe, OP.

Yes, but OP has needs too. What about her? Me. Me. Me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you for real, OP? When people are grieving, they are just trying to survive day to day in the beginning! Stop making this about you.

+1

When my DH was on his deathbed, and then in recovery from a transplant, I wasn’t keeping track of who I needed to call/text/email (other than my DH and kids). Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Yes. You are both doing too much and making it about you. For the one, you made her a charity case to all of her friends. Super annoying!

[Anonymous]

Yes OP, a bit too much.

I would have been appalled at the "gift card train" and not known what to say to you. That is, if I ever saw the gift cards. Another family member (at least in my family) might have taken them. Unless the family is impoverished and on go fund me to pay for the funeral, there is no need to do this much.

Send one arrangement, or one dish of food and a card. Contact them occasionally, go to the funeral or visitation. Don't go overboard.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a really kind, generous person, OP. I don't know the specifics, but just that in grief people may not have the capacity to be with you in a way that would feel significant.

It may be that you are doing something wrong - it may just be that people are pulling back generally because they are trying to survive and have to retreat.

Is there someone in your life who you trust enough to be really vulnerable with, who you can ask if they think you did something wrong? Or who can give you some reassurance?

[Anonymous]

Because it's not about you. JFC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it's not about you. JFC.

This is why I am suicidal (NP). Why is it NEVER about me? Why is it always about some else? Why isn't SOMEONE telling THEM it's not about them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They can barely breathe, OP.

This is spot on. I’m a newish widow and I’m barely making it through each day. It’s not about you….at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t speak for your friends, but when I was grieving, I was basically a walking zombie. Trying to think coherently took a lot of effort. Driving safely and taking care of my kids left little room for anything else.

Your gift card train was thoughtful and remarkably generous, but in the chaos, somebody else might have gone through condolence messages and shuffled with money to grandma, or other family member. Everybody tries their best, but there’s a lot to coordinate and nobody’s functioning well. I’m sure your gift was helpful. I’m sure your friend appreciates your concern and support, but may not be aware that you are directly responsible for all $800 of gift cards.

I don’t know how long ago their losses were, or the depth of their pain, but it can take a long time to get close to anything approximating normal, and even then there’ll be good days and bad days. It sounds like the friend who reached out, is making an attempt, but may just not be ready.

Some people are better, in general, of staying in touch. Adding in grief makes it worse for everyone. Your friend may not have been up to keeping in touch initially, and when they eventually start to emerge from their grief, they may feel guilty and think it’s too late to reach out. I suggest you continue reaching out, low-key, on an occasional basis (maybe once or twice a year). I don’t know if you’re being too much, but you are certainly being a lot. I think it’s very kind, and you have a good heart, but keep in mind they’re probably going to feel shell-shocked and in survival mode for a while and may not have any resources to notice anything outside of what’s needed immediately to get through each day.

Perfectly stated and true.

[Anonymous]

When my dad died, I quickly wrote and sent fairly generic thank you notes to coworkers, distant relatives, neighbors, acquaintances.

I set aside writing thank you notes to pallbearers, close friends, and others who went well beyond the call of duty. I wanted their thank yous to be meaningful and reflective., And I just didn't have the emotional energy to respond right away. 3 years later, I realize now those notes never got written. So the former boss who sent a $25 donation got a thank you note, while the friend who coordinated the after-service lunch for 100 people, supplying much of the food herself, got nothing other than verbal thanks.
Off to go write some belated notes. . .