Sensitive pregnancy announcement

[Anonymous]

My dearest friend is desperately trying to get pregnant for the first time. I already have 2 kids, and just got pregnant (whoops pregnancy). She has a procedure coming up for endometriosis, and I’m trying to figure out the best time to tell her. Or the best way to mention it. Before the surgery? After? When I’m past 12 weeks? When she’s had a few weeks to recover?

[Anonymous]

Wait. I had a similar scenario and ended up miscarrying, so never did say anything. Obviously hope that’s not your outcome but no harm in waiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait. I had a similar scenario and ended up miscarrying, so never did say anything. Obviously hope that’s not your outcome but no harm in waiting.

Thanks. That is a good point.

[Anonymous]

I had a similar situation with a bf who had to do invasive treatments to get pregnant. I told her over text, so she could have her own, private reaction without my presence. I’ve found generally texting the announcement works better so people can process in their own time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar situation with a bf who had to do invasive treatments to get pregnant. I told her over text, so she could have her own, private reaction without my presence. I’ve found generally texting the announcement works better so people can process in their own time.

This is good, but also wait until past 12 weeks.

[Anonymous]

and don't mention the whoops part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:and don't mention the whoops part.

OP here. Thanks, i would never have thought NOT to mention that, but of course, that makes perfect sense. :/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a similar situation with a bf who had to do invasive treatments to get pregnant. I told her over text, so she could have her own, private reaction without my presence. I’ve found generally texting the announcement works better so people can process in their own time.

Good point.

[Anonymous]

I got pregnant when my sister learned her last IVF attempt had failed. Definitely send an email or text. Also, don’t assume her reaction (“this will be hard to hear…”) and don’t apologize for your happiness (“I’m so sorry to tell you…”) Just state the facts in a few short sentences, send her your love and wait for her to lead the conversation.

Congratulations!

[Anonymous]

I get why people say wait until past 12 weeks - I probably would, too - but also, not sure it’s the best decision either. Since in that scenario, you’re saying your friend’s pain is valid…and yours wouldn’t be. That if you lose a pregnancy, then not only should you suffer in silence - that you’re not even giving your friend agency in this scenario. And if they’re a close friend and they find out you kept this from them, they might be grateful - or hurt. And if they didn’t find out: it would be an invisible wall between you.

Again: it’s a reasonable approach. But may or may not be the best one. Just my take.

[Anonymous]

Tell her by text, after 12 weeks, and yes, no oops mention

[Anonymous]

I've been on multiple sides of this--struggling to get pregnant (later IVF & endometriosis surgery x2), and telling others who were having their own struggles. I agree that a text is the easiest way to receive it. I'd also suggest trying to gauge when your friend is feeling optimistic and tell her then. The endo surgery can easily reveal bad news or good news, as there is typically a lot more that they can determine when the see inside vs. diagnostic imaging. I did little more than cry for a week after the first surgery. The second surgery felt much more hopeful. Every case will be different. The "oops" factor isn't such a big deal, or wouldn't have been for me. If she is a close friend, she will probably guess/know already, no point in hiding it, unless your confident she has no idea.

[Anonymous]

Just don't do what a friend is. Announce it out of the blue in the middle of a group text convo, send a picture of the US with gushing "im so beyond excited and couldn't wait to share the news. We just started trying and i never expected to be telling you guys so soon!!!!". When one of the people in the group is a good friend going on year 3 trying for a baby.

[Anonymous]

Wait until 12 weeks (or a little later if you're doing chromosomal screening -- I waited until my NIPT came back low-risk).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her by text, after 12 weeks, and yes, no oops mention

All of this.

SIL waited until they were 20 weeks along to tell us she was pregnant (we were deep into infertility treatment at that time, and she was going out of her way trying to be respectful of that). We were the last in the family to know, but what stung the most were the repeated comments about how they "weren't even trying". I don't think she and BIL realized just how bad that particular detail stung.