S/O So what does it mean to "put effort into" your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Honest question. The fact that OP's husband didn't plan her birthday didn't really strike me as not putting effort into the marriage, but I suppose it is, as he's not appreciating her the way she wants.

But what would you say is actually putting effort into the marriage ?

It wouldn't hurt for you to ID your gender/marital status

[Anonymous]

It means caring about, being aware of, and then putting in reasonable effort to meet, your partner's needs.

[Anonymous]

^^ little-to-zero credit is deserved for efforts which are NOT aligned to your partner's needs

[Anonymous]

Female, 52, married 26 years. We’ve always been very kind and considerate of each other. We rarely disagree, we have never had a fight and we don’t let dumb little things we both do become an annoyance. When our children were young and we were both working we always made time for each other. My husband has always been very sweet to me and it’s easy to be the same with him. Our marriage has never been hard work but I think we work hard to make it that way.

[Anonymous]

It depends.

Ask your spouse.

[Anonymous]

For DH and I, it was taking the time to learn to communicate effectively. That includes learning to argue effectively. It means we take the time to explain things to each other.

I found out that DH wrote out a list of the people I talk about most at work and had written down notes about them (Prudence - married to Doug, two girls, buys a lot of stuff for vacations; Mark - married to Sara, boy/girl twins, owns a Piper, likes bourbon).

When DH was going to have to play tennis with some work people, he wanted to go practice on a ball machine the weekend before, and I went with him.

We invest in each others' goals and interests.

[Anonymous]

Male/50/Married.

For men, putting effort in usually means the following:

- Talk to her every day even if its just discussing what went on during your day.
- Be a good parent - be engaged in your kid’s routines, homework, extracurricular activities, etc
- Have an agreed to list of who does what around the house with regards to kids, chores, cooking cleaning, etc. Always hold up your end of the list and reevaluate occasionally.
- Be fiscally responsible - earn a lot more than you spend and plan for the family’s future.
- Don’t waste time on such anti-social pursuits as video games or surfing the web on your phone when family is around.
- Stay fit and attractive (be f*ckable if sex is important to you).
- If you have any addictions or substance abuse issues get treatment.

That should be a pretty good start.

[Anonymous]

Having the tough conversations.

Together almost two decades. Three kids.

[Anonymous]

Woman/late thirties/married.

Make more of an effort to treat me like you did when we were dating. I know it won't be exactly the same (we have more responsibilities and more demands on our time now) but remember when you used to take me out on dates, compliment me, pick up a favorite treat from the store, etc.?

[Anonymous]

Woman/34/married

Things I consider putting in effort daily - keeping the gratitude and humor in our interactions. Little things that keep the peace and make our time together enjoyable and light, even when the situation may be hard.

-being mindful not to treat husband as a person to dump stress on. Many times, I'll call his name to say something whiny but then catch myself and say something light like what a funny thing the child did, or ask him if he wants some tea.

-if I'm not in the mood for sex but he clearly is, I go with it. The reasoning being that if he feels better then we can more cheerfully tackle the stresses or monotony of daily life.

-offering gratitude or humor when he helps with tasks that bother him, such as paying more than he wants to for food at farmers market vs less at grocery store.

-he really slacks off on chores like dishes and cleaning. When I insist he help, he does and then sulks for an hour. At this time, I don't grumble at him back but come by and touch him lightly and make a joke about what a grump he is. When his sour mood passes, we are back to getting along.

[Anonymous]

F, 40s, Married.

Appreciation -- men really need to be recognized and appreciated
Understanding -- cut slack for mistakes or bad days
Initiating Sex -- self-evident, but important to put effort into making this fun and novel
Acts of service -- take stuff off your partner's plate when possible
Problem solve -- always easier to blame than to look for solutions

If I keep my own balance it's easier to be a good partner