Parents of non-binary/trans kids

[Anonymous]

I am keeping the topic vague in the hopes of getting more kind responses. We’ll see how that goes, ha.

I have an issue I need to get over, I think. I really dislike the name DC chose as their preferred name. They are 12 and while I am fine with them picking a new name, I wish I could have had some input. It seems like there are so many good gender neutral names and had they let me know they wanted a different name I could have steered them toward one of those. And DC even likes the names I was thinking of, but they have come out to everybody as their own preferred name and they say it’s too late to change.

If people say I just need to go along with it, I will and I’ll just consider myself lucky that they didn’t choose “soup” or something.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you just have to go along with it.

[Anonymous]

You know, with all the trans hate on this board your problem seems so wholesome and normal. Thank you for posting. <3

- aunt of a trans kid

[Anonymous]

I would offer name suggestions but ultimately it is your child’s decision to make.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for raising this topic!

I have been thinking about this recently in relation to a nonbinary family member.

In the past year, they have used four different names. One day, in the middle of the day, they said that X new name felt right that day and asked that we start using it.

I'm so intrigued by this. Choosing pronouns is one thing- totally fine, obviously, and makes sense. But I wonder about the frequent proper name changing. How much is too much? Or is this now the norm and we can expect people to start changing their names, regardless of gender identity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know, with all the trans hate on this board your problem seems so wholesome and normal. Thank you for posting. <3

- aunt of a trans kid

You’re welcome.

[Anonymous]

I think you just have to kind of get over it and go along with it. Even if they didn’t transition and come out, they still could’ve chosen a nickname you hate or picked a different name to go by without your input. I don’t love my son’s name (I like it but it’s not my favorite) and his dead name had a lot of meaning. To me. To him the new name had meaning and the dead name didn’t have good feelings. I’m happy that he was comfortable enough to choose what made him feel good.

Also, I’m going to take a moment to point out that while they might seem to like the names you would’ve suggested, that doesn’t mean they like those names more, and is probably being polite to some extent by saying it’s a timing issue. That way they don’t have to reject something you love, and it’s not them hurting your feelings by not letting you choose their name, but rather it’s the situation. It’s hard to see your mom upset, especially when she’s upset about something essential to who you are, like your gender or your name. There was already a lot of risk being taken in coming out to you (even if you were awesome about it, no one knows how people will react when they come out). So they’re probably trying to soften the blow a little and not outright reject your ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am keeping the topic vague in the hopes of getting more kind responses. We’ll see how that goes, ha.

I have an issue I need to get over, I think. I really dislike the name DC chose as their preferred name. They are 12 and while I am fine with them picking a new name, I wish I could have had some input. It seems like there are so many good gender neutral names and had they let me know they wanted a different name I could have steered them toward one of those. And DC even likes the names I was thinking of, but they have come out to everybody as their own preferred name and they say it’s too late to change.

If people say I just need to go along with it, I will and I’ll just consider myself lucky that they didn’t choose “soup” or something.

I am the mother of a trans boy, so I get it. I do like his chosen name.

But I want you to look at this from another angle, an that is that all people have the right to be called by what they want. And choosing a new name is very common in religions, and in other cultures. And it is. huge part of many people's creative growth. Think Robert Zimmerman -- Bob Dylan. Audrey Perry -- Faith Hill. Tennessee Williams -- Thomas Williams. The list of creatives is so so long. Really let this go, and allow your child to take the lead on this one.

Look ten years ahead at how you want to be part of your child's narrative during this transitional time -- supportive, or nitpicking and controlling.

[Anonymous]

Don't worry OP, it will change. All of my DC's friends have change their names multiple times over the last year. So, just don't sweat it. Its really not your biggest concern.

Think of it like hair: it can be changed and its not yours.

[Anonymous]

Oh, I feel you OP.

My child has tried out at least 3 names in various venues over the last year, and seems to have finally landed on a name that is actually gender neutral, has a link to their birth name, and is a good fit for them.

However, it was a journey to get here, so you have my sympathies. It's also just....kids. There is a reason we don't normally let kids name themselves, because they are very dramatic and tend to name themselves things like DarkMoon Feybringer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I feel you OP.

My child has tried out at least 3 names in various venues over the last year, and seems to have finally landed on a name that is actually gender neutral, has a link to their birth name, and is a good fit for them.

However, it was a journey to get here, so you have my sympathies. It's also just....kids. There is a reason we don't normally let kids name themselves, because they are very dramatic and tend to name themselves things like DarkMoon Feybringer. [b]

Not OP: I needed that laugh.

OP all of this. Just don't stress this. Its not going to stick anyway, and they arent going to go get it legally changed now. So just chill and don't worry about it. Seriously. Focus on what matters.

[Anonymous]

I’m not even super pro trans everything but even I think OP has to let this one go. 3 out of 4 of my 11 year old daughter’s closest friends have all changed their preferred name this year. Probably they will change again at some point. They’re just exploring different aspects of their identities. NBD.

[Anonymous]

I feel like if my kid was trans (mtf) she would be obliged to take the “girl name” I so carefully picked out when they were a fetus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not even super pro trans everything but even I think OP has to let this one go. 3 out of 4 of my 11 year old daughter’s closest friends have all changed their preferred name this year. Probably they will change again at some point. They’re just exploring different aspects of their identities. NBD.

What does it mean to be “super pro trans everything”?

[Anonymous]

My child is ftm as an adult and I really struggle with the name he’s chosen. I don’t like it at all. But I deal with it. I hate that the birth name is called the dead name and won’t use that term, though I also won’t use the birth name. Luckily my son doesn’t need me to erase all his past mementos or photos or keepsakes.