Question for dual working parent families
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Anonymous
| On the advice of someone here due to my perception of DH not pulling his weight, I calculated typical hours of free time everyday for DH and me. I knew it was a discrepancy for sure… but my mind was blown when I actually wrote it down. Typical work/school day, I get 1.5-2 hours and DH gets 5.5-6 hours! Curious if anyone else has done the same? |
Anonymous
| No because my work week varies a ton, so some days DH does everything and some days I do. The only thing that matters is both of us feel the other person pulls an equal (or as close to equal as possible) shares. |
Anonymous
|
It's lower for both of us, likely because our kids are younger (we get NO downtime until kids go to bed, period). But he still gets more than me. He knows it -- I'll bring it up and he'll make it about something else. He'll say it's because he needs larger chunks of time for his workouts (he's a cyclist) whereas I work out really efficiently. Not that this matters -- if I want to spend 25 minutes doing a compact workout and then relax for an hour, that's my business. Just because he "needs" 90 minutes for a ride doesn't mean he deserves it more than me.
I'd estimate that on an average weekday, I get 45-60 minutes of down time and he gets around 2. |
Anonymous
|
This seems really petty to calculate downtime between you and your spouse, and I think is probably a symptom of a bigger issue.
I'm sorry you're feeling like this in your marriage OP, how's the communication between you two? |
Anonymous
| Honestly, 1.5-2 hours of free time a day is a lot. It doesn’t solve your imbalance problem, but you are in a good place relative to a lot of white collar working parents who have to get back on their computers as soon as bedtime is over. |
Anonymous
| How/when was he fitting in all this leisure without you noticing? |
Anonymous
OP here, it’s 100% a bigger issue and I know it’s petty to calculate this. Just someone suggested it as validation when I was discussing inequities. His response when I asked him to clean up dinner tonight (I cook, he cleans) “I’m working!!” Yeah I did all day too. Get up earlier. He gets up at like 8/8:15 on a workday. |
Anonymous
I’m totally noticing, that’s why I’m annoyed. He’s fitting it in by not going to bed till 12-1am and not waking up till 8am. Also not doing any more than the absolute bare minimum around the house. |
Anonymous
Way to be a martyr. There’s plenty of logging back on here too, I just don’t wear it like a badge of honor. I just go to bed later if needed. Honestly, I could work 24/7 and still not be caught up, so I just chose to draw a line in the sand for sanity’s sake. |
Anonymous
| OP has time to waste on DCUM. So she's fine. |
Anonymous
|
I am laid back and don’t keep score. But that would bug me a lot. I don’t care what you do but IMO time is a resource that you commit to the family, just like money and talents.
One thing though, I would consider exercise a family need no matter how long it takes, so that doesn’t count toward free time any more than a medical appointment or a shopping trip for school supplies, even if you pick up a Starbucks and a new outfit. Personal grooming also wouldn’t count as free time, like hair and nails. But golf, happy hours, coffee with friends, hobby time, TV time, reading, etc. is personal. |
Anonymous
No- it’s petty to quibble about downtime when you’re talking about a minor discrepancy here or there. Not bringing up a regular imbalance of 3+ hours per day makes you a complete pushover/your spouse an a** for not recognizing this as an issue. |
Anonymous
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How does a working adult with kids have 5-6 hours of free time? Is that even possible? Does he do nothing with the kids/no chores?
I'm divorced so I do 95% of the household chores (kid does a tiny amount) and 50% of the childcare and it feels like so much less than I did when I was married. |
Anonymous
|
NP. I’ve done this. Kids are 5 and 1. I get an hour after the oldest is in bed, and I typically spend that reading a book, provided I’ve managed to clean up the kitchen and downstairs living area earlier in the evening. DH gets 3 hours per day, plus about 75% of the weekend.
He has lots of “projects” (i.e. hobbies) like woodworking, computer tasks (gaming, actually), etc. I could get an extra hour a day if I stayed up later, but I try to prioritize sleep. |
Anonymous
OP here: 1 hour of workout over lunch 1-1.5 hours of sitting on his butt after work 3-4 hours after DC goes to bed |