need advice from ppl with toxic moms

[Anonymous]

Backstory: My mom destroyed parts of my siblings' lives b/c she's mentally ill and has almost crossed that line with me before. She physically and verbally abused me most of my childhood. She neglected and emotionally abused my siblings. She's mentally ill and does not seek treatment.

I did my best to cut her off about 10 yrs ago. Because she buys burner phones, I accidentally talk to her about once a year. She recently called and became abusive so I said goodbye, ended the call and blocked yet another burner phone and shared the number with my siblings (as we always do). My other siblings have also cut her off.

I think she just found my linkedin profile which means she knows my job, network, and maybe can now figure out how to hurt me (my biggest fear). She does not own a computer but she has maintained a friendship with one of my sibling's X. That person works at a place very like one of the places that looked at my profiled and it's far far far off from my usual linked in notices.

I am so afraid she's going to toxically ruin some part of my life.

She has tried to take out credit cards with my social security number and has so far failed to my knowledge. She thinks she's entitled to what's mine simply b/c she birthed me.

Is there anything I can do to protect myself? My life, personal and professional and my inner life...my inner peace and mental health?

Can I get some sort of restraining order b/c she keeps calling me when I keep asking/telling her not to and blocking each number, every time without exception?

[Anonymous]

Protect yourself by seeking therapy.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you change your number?
And get off linked-in.

[Anonymous]

You can have a lawyer send her a cease and desist letter for repeated contact, and you can lock your credit so she can’t open cards in your name (which you should just do anyway if an unstable person has your SSN). If there is security at work you can casually mention you have this situation and rest assured you are not the only person this is true for— easier to mention it beforehand than have to try to explain afterward.

And for your inner world I’m sorry that’s just therapy and time. You have your siblings to help you which is huge in the case of a toxic parent.

[Anonymous]

Just wait it out. She probably wont do anything, but if yours is like mom, showing any fear of this just gives her power (the lawyer C&D thing would backfire royally with my mentally ill, abusive mother). If she does actually contact your work, you will be able to demonstrate that she is, in fact, mentally ill (for me, it would be her 2-page long rap sheet, filled with lawsuits, DUIs and petty crime arrests) and sounds like your siblings will back you up. There are a lot of people who deal with this - she cannot hurt you. Let that fear go, live your life, and DONT answer numbers you don’t recognize anymore. If it’s important, the person will leave a message. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wait it out. She probably wont do anything, but if yours is like mom, showing any fear of this just gives her power (the lawyer C&D thing would backfire royally with my mentally ill, abusive mother). If she does actually contact your work, you will be able to demonstrate that she is, in fact, mentally ill (for me, it would be her 2-page long rap sheet, filled with lawsuits, DUIs and petty crime arrests) and sounds like your siblings will back you up. There are a lot of people who deal with this - she cannot hurt you. Let that fear go, live your life, and DONT answer numbers you don’t recognize anymore. If it’s important, the person will leave a message. GL.

My daughter picked up the phone recently when she called and I almost had a heart attack. I took the phone and calmly spoke to her BECAUSE I knew I could not show fear. I could not show her that I didn't want my kids to ever to speak with her. I told them so and why (she's mentally ill and says mean, crazy stuff) so this really spoke to me. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have kids? We have kids and an adult sibling who is like your mom so we have dealt with the fear of being found. It’s really important to put your mom on your school’s “do not pick up” list; even if they don’t advertise that they have one, they do. Talk to the entire front office and to your child’s teachers about this. We also do it for my kid’s dance studio. This will keep you mom from strolling in and saying that something came up and she needs to pick up her granddaughter for you. Even schools that say they will only release a child to an adult who you designate will often ignore that for a grandparent or relative so you need to be careful and explicit with your kid’s school. We also have our social media tightly locked down, LinkedIn included. It has not hurt our careers, which was a minor but real fear. We do not use our child’s name or photo anywhere, including private social media accounts.

My child is young but aware of the situation in an age-appropriate way. You don’t want your kids to be accosted by a dangerous or toxic relative at 18 with zero information about the situation, because the relative could easily spin your history.

And I second what PP said: screen all calls.

[Anonymous]

PP with one more thing: document all of the calls (even if it’s just screenshots of a million burner calls), any emails, etc. and dump it in a file with dates. An order of protection can be really hard to get, especially if you are not in the same jurisdiction, but should your mother’s behavior escalate to the point that you were eligible, documentation will be helpful.

Our local police station in a pretty dysfunctional city and the one in my relative’s jurisdiction were surprisingly helpful in assisting us with understanding if the harassment we were facing could qualify for an order of protection.

[Anonymous]

Make sure your credit file is frozen (credit FREEZE not just lock).

Also Chexsystems, to prevent her from opening a back account in your name.

[Anonymous]

You change your number. You make your LinkedIn profile private, one where people cannot contact you unless you've accepted them as a contact.

Really OP this isn't rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You change your number. You make your LinkedIn profile private, one where people cannot contact you unless you've accepted them as a contact.

Really OP this isn't rocket science.

Last sentence was unnecessary - this can be really challenging for those of us who grew up with this. It’s hard-wired into us. And there are definitely easier ways to deal with this than OP having to disrupt her life and change her number.

[Anonymous]

Yes you can get a restraining order. Look up the rules in your state about what is defined as harassment and/or stalking. In most states it is 2 or more instances of unwanted contact.

But- you need to have it documented you don’t want her to contact you/your kids and that she is aware you don’t want contact. Then you need to document every time she does something or contacts you. Don’t communicate back, just ignore and document. If it keeps happening, despite being told to C&D you can file and will likely get a restraining order. I would talk to a lawyer though and see what the laws are in your state and what it is best path to get some peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You change your number. You make your LinkedIn profile private, one where people cannot contact you unless you've accepted them as a contact.

Really OP this isn't rocket science.

Last sentence was unnecessary - this can be really challenging for those of us who grew up with this. It’s hard-wired into us. And there are definitely easier ways to deal with this than OP having to disrupt her life and change her number.

BS. You're perpetuating it. I grew up with it too. And I cut it off.

[Anonymous]

How has she destroyed parts of someone’s life?

It’s fairly common for them to call around and cause problems with partners, friends, family, etc. Does she show up at people’s jobs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How has she destroyed parts of someone’s life?

It’s fairly common for them to call around and cause problems with partners, friends, family, etc. Does she show up at people’s jobs?

OP here. in one case, yes. I don't want to go into details on the other case but her "calling around" lead to a very bad consequence for one of us.

I'm not going to change my phone number of 15 years. I'll lock down linked in once I figure out how and for me, it's like rocket science...I'm not that good with tech.

I'll start documenting. All of her burner phone numbers are in my phone with the date she used it to contact me so I have years of burner phone numbers and the month/year of the call. So I assume that counts as documentation. I have my husband screen my vms so they are all deleted but I'll archive the next one.

Thanks for the sympahty all.