How often should I go home? How often do students go home?

[Anonymous]

Hello everyone. I am a student who will be attending liberal arts college this fall and living in the dorms (it is a fully residential school). I am a first-gen student and will be a junior this year, but I have lived at home taking online classes so far because of COVID. The school is about 2.5 hours away by car. I love my parents but they are going to be wanting me to come home often. I read somewhere that it’s good to stay at least 6 weeks without going home at all. For various reasons going to a school a flight away wasn’t an option for me for undergrad, but I would’ve done it if I could and I want an experience as similar to that as possible. I will not have a car there. I am from DC but I have lived elsewhere in the US for a really long time.

So my questions:
If your kids are a car ride away, how often do they come home? How often do you visit them? How often should I go home?

And I am also worried about getting homesick.


Please no judgement.

[Anonymous]

There is no set answer to this question. I think my first year I made it 6 weeks before going home but I was a little homesick and happy to go visit. Some kids go more often and some never go.

[Anonymous]

Thanksgiving then Christmas break.

[Anonymous]

Look at your school's calendar. Is there a parents weekend when your family can visit you? Is there a fall break in October when you can come home for a visit?
If not, then Thanksgiving is not really that long of a time from the start of school.

Having a plan and knowing when you will be going home may make it easier. And you will not be the only one dealing with this adjustment-- your hallmates will be a great support as you all adjust to your new setting.

Try to avoid the temptation of calling/texting your parents whenever there is a problem you need to solve. Use this opportunity to build your resilience and independence.
Good luck! You can do it!

[Anonymous]

If you only have 2 years on campus and you want the “away from home” college experience, maybe start by doing things on the weekends near/thru school — those things could be extra-curriculars or field trips or working as a research assistant or more informal plans with friends. Invite your parents/family to come see you at school some day/weekend, if that might be fun/financially feasible for them. Get everybody used to the idea that, for now, “you live there.”

Then go home to visit when you feel like it and have the time/$ to spare. For me, that was just Xmas and summers (I went to school on the opposite end of the country and had 3 younger sibs, so family visiting me at school only happened once and it was a big deal). My husband (same college), whose family lived an hours’ drive away, maybe went home every other month (max) and his Dad would drive up for dinner (maybe once a month). Our kid (less than a 2 hour flight away) never came home more than 2x a quarter and we visited her a couple of times a year.

Basically, you’ll probably be busy at school (all three of us were) and visits are for when people need each other or there’s a holiday or everybody realizes simultaneously that they’ve got the time/inclination to just hang out together. Avoid a set schedule/frequency (and don’t start out assuming that all (or even most) of our leisure time goes to family).

If you are the first kid in your family to go away to school (or an only child), this could be a tough time for your parents. But visiting isn’t the only way to keep in touch/let each other know you love them and that they remain an important part of your life. Text, call, send them pix of things you’re seeing or doing. Remember birthdays, ask how things are going, etc.

Good luck! It’ll work out, but how is up to you (plural), and there will be some times when you miss them or they miss you.

[Anonymous]

Agreed that there is no one right answer. Some kids go home alot at first, because they miss their girlfriend or have a job, etc. That slows down their adjustment.

If you stay at school on the weekends, you will make more friends. You and the other freshmen can explore the town together, check out on campus events, etc.

Plus, there is lots of school work, and a five hour drive can cut into that.

I like the idea of you looking at the school's academic calendar in advance. That will be posted now. Plan on (like others have said), maybe having your parents visit once in the Fall (if there is a parents weekend). Definitely, go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas (or whatever holiday you celebrate at the end of the year). If you find you are homesick, which usually does not last long (and again, ends sooner if you stay at school and become part of your new community)...you could adjust your plans, but you should not plan to go home many weekends at all. School needs to become your new home, eventually.

(If this is an option, maybe consider taking the train home for Thanksgiving? You would probably need to book it now, but that will allow you to study/read during the trip. Traffic is awful that holiday. But I would not recommend public transportation unless you are fully vaccinated against COVID--which hopefully you are!)

Good luck. Remember, there are lots of other freshmen making the same ajustment as you. That gives you all something to bond over. I think you will love it!

[Anonymous]

Go to school in August.
They came home for Thanksgiving, then at the end of Fall semester for the holidays
Then they came home for Spring Break, then at the end of Spring semester for the summer.
*Each kid has come home once when they got really sick and couldn't rest quietly at school because it was too loud and chaotic.

Go live your life! Figure out who you are as YOU, rather than only seeing yourself as your parents' daughter.

[Anonymous]

My son went to school 2 hours away by car and my daughter went to school that requires a 4 hour flight. Their first year away (freshman year), they both came home for Thanksgiving and Winter break (my daughter stayed put for Thanksgiving other years).

We visited our son one time the first semester but not since then. We never went to visit our daughter during a school year. But every family is different - if our son had wanted us to visit more, I'm sure we would have. We usually did a Facetime call 2 or 3 times a month.

[Anonymous]

I would plan to go home for Thanksgiving but in the knowledge that if you feel homesick at any point you can go home for a weekend before then.

Really it is going to be up to you.

Best of luck, it's a huge life change and I'm sure you'll thrive when you get there. What you have to remember is that everyone is pretty much going through the same thing and that will help.

[Anonymous]

I went to a school that was farther away, but I don't think that would have changed much. I came home at Thanksgiving and Christmas. Maybe Spring Break (as I couldn't afford the trips my friends went on...which was ok with me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello everyone. I am a student who will be attending liberal arts college this fall and living in the dorms (it is a fully residential school). I am a first-gen student and will be a junior this year, but I have lived at home taking online classes so far because of COVID. The school is about 2.5 hours away by car. I love my parents but they are going to be wanting me to come home often. I read somewhere that it’s good to stay at least 6 weeks without going home at all. For various reasons going to a school a flight away wasn’t an option for me for undergrad, but I would’ve done it if I could and I want an experience as similar to that as possible. I will not have a car there. I am from DC but I have lived elsewhere in the US for a really long time.

So my questions:
If your kids are a car ride away, how often do they come home? How often do you visit them? How often should I go home?

And I am also worried about getting homesick.


Please no judgement.

I went home at the beginning of October, Thanksgiving and Christmas, and then I didn't go home at all for spring semester from January to May. I called my mom every week, though.

[Anonymous]

It will likely help you and your family to know before you go what the communication plan will be. For example, I talk to my college student 1x each week. She chooses the time, on a weekend (depending upon her school work and social plans).

Knowing that can cut down on their worry and your homesickness (IF you have any, it will probably be fleeting).

[Anonymous]

In my opinion, it might be fun for your parents to visit you in October, and then for you to go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Maybe call them once a week or so.

I wouldn’t worry too much about homesick, unless you’ve been homesick before. You’ll probably be having too much fun to have time to be homesick.

But, if you’re used to certain kinds of foods, you might miss those. Look up to see if there are shops near your college that sell food you like. It might be fun to walk or Uber over there occasionally to get treats that will remind you of home.

[Anonymous]

Your parents visit you during parents or family weekend in the fall, you go home Thanksgiving and Winter break and Spring break. That's it.

[Anonymous]

OP, the first two months is hard! It does slow your adjustment if you go home during that time period. As others have said, try to make it to Thanksgiving if you can, late October at the earliest.

Your parents may not understand if you are first-gen, but perhaps you can explain too them kindly a d gently that you will need that time to adjust to the school — it’s not just about academics, it’s also about making friends, getting the hang of the routine, and learning to be independent. The kids who go home a lot miss out on a lot of the bonding that happens in the early months between freshmen.