How do you respond when your mother or MIL tells you what to do?

[Anonymous]

"Betsy, hide Larla's fries* so she doesn't fill upon them"?
*we were eating outdoors at a restaurant for the first time since the pandemic, DD was eating her veggies just fine.

My MIL says stuff like this all the time and it drives me bonkers because she is super critical about everything and is also a little insane. My mother, who is generally less annoying, did it today and it was also very irritating. Do you literally just ignore it, even if they keep insisting?

[Anonymous]

I told them a long time ago to shut it.

[Anonymous]

Why would I do that? (in response to hide the fries).

You had your turn to parent, now it's ours.

Thanks so much for that suggestion, we'll keep it in mind.

[Anonymous]

I would be tempted to answer her, but in order to avoid a debate if she does this a lot and you don't agree with her instruction, probably the best thing to do and say would be nothing at all and go straight back to whatever conversation was happening beforehand.

[Anonymous]

"I'll circle back to you about that"

[Anonymous]

“I don’t care if she fills up on fries. So what are you doing next weekend?”

[Anonymous]

My mother does this all the time: let's just say it's the least offensive thing she does and one of the many reasons the Atlantic is between us. I stare at her and go on with my conversation.

[Anonymous]

So I don’t have a mother like this AT all, and no MIL, but my father can be like this a bit and have a few friends like like this as well (so less emotional baggage, but annoying).

You could tell her to shut it, or snark at her, or stare and then not say anything, all of those would be much more satisfying, and probably what I would want to do (and do sometimes).

BUT, if the situation is well under control —like it was with the fries, why not just point out why you aren’t worried about it in a very casual tone e.g., “She’s doing okay with her vegetables, and it’s important to us that she learn to self-regulate when she has food choices.”

I found with the people who provided unneeded ‘advice’ if I made it clear that I wasn’t an idiot who had never parented in a day, they stopped feeling the need to provide ‘advice’. It also helped a bit to throw in a bit of shade if whatever the parenting goal was something they struggled with.

Also,I didn’t realize this was a more satisfying way to handle things because I’m a nice person, it’s because I’m a petty b***ch who has to be right at the end of the day…. .

[Anonymous]

"Thanks for pointing that out, i'll think about it".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I don’t have a mother like this AT all, and no MIL, but my father can be like this a bit and have a few friends like like this as well (so less emotional baggage, but annoying).

You could tell her to shut it, or snark at her, or stare and then not say anything, all of those would be much more satisfying, and probably what I would want to do (and do sometimes).

BUT, if the situation is well under control —like it was with the fries, why not just point out why you aren’t worried about it in a very casual tone e.g., “She’s doing okay with her vegetables, and it’s important to us that she learn to self-regulate when she has food choices.”

I found with the people who provided unneeded ‘advice’ if I made it clear that I wasn’t an idiot who had never parented in a day, they stopped feeling the need to provide ‘advice’. It also helped a bit to throw in a bit of shade if whatever the parenting goal was something they struggled with.

Also,I didn’t realize this was a more productive way to handle things because I’m a nice person, it’s because I’m a petty b***ch who has to be right at the end of the day…. .

Word choice fixed…immediate obviously snark is always satisfying, subtle snark can be less satisfying, but maybe more productive in the long term.

[Anonymous]

I had some of this with my FIL with our oldest. I said "Thanks, I got it" or politely explained why I was doing things the way I choose to do it, depending on what was going on and how much patience I had for him at the time. Super annoying, but it wasn't a new thing with the kids so I had experience letting the water roll off my back. Thankfully, he isn't the type to really push and when he does, my husband shuts him down (because he will actually listen to what he says).

[Anonymous]

I literally don't respond at all. Busy myself with the kids and pretend I didn't hear the nonsense. Otherwise I end up snapping back.

[Anonymous]

I stopped at about age 17 and my mom fully admitted decades later that she recognized it.

[Anonymous]

The best way to handle this might be to be to tell them that you'll discuss your parenting strategies during naptime or after bedtime. I'd suggest that you be crystal clear during a discussion later, away from your child, but only if they bring it up later. Repeat ad nauseum, just remind them that you will discuss when your child is asleep, and it's up to them to decide when.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I stopped at about age 17 and my mom fully admitted decades later that she recognized it.

?