Would you be offended if a family member offered to help pay for your kid to attend private school?

[Anonymous]

So I have a family member who has a child the same age as my child. I know that she is interested in a particular private school program but is reluctant to pursue it seriously because of the cost. She lives in a part of D.C. that does not have a good school, and she will otherwise be relying on the OOB or Charter school lottery.

It so happens that I am interested in the same private school and would love it if things worked out so that our kids could go to school together. (This is not for 2010; this would be a year or two down the road.)

Would it be out-of-line to offer to help pay for her child's tuition? I could easily afford to do so (and she knows that). [My potential offer is not necessarily tied to the kids going to the same school. That just happens to be what prompted my thought process.]

Also, apart from that threshold question, would it be better to let her know my willingness to assist upfront - as in, would her child's application be more attractive if it were clear that they would not be seeking financial aid?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't use the word offended.

The closeness of relationship would matter to whether I thought it was a kind gesture or slightly strange.

[Anonymous]

My mom made this offer when my son didn't get any financial aid at our first choice school. In the end I didn't take her up on the offer, I didn't want to be beholden in that way, and I also questioned the committment of a school to diversity when they were slashing financial aid (they told me they didn't offer any financial aid to new families that year) while making an expansion to their building including lots of educationally unrelated luxuries like giant windows. It turned out to be the right choice as I later found out that every single African American boy accepted for that class turned them down -- I would not have wanted my child to be the only one.

Anyway, as I said we ended up turning down the spot, but I was still touched by the offer, and in no way offended.

[Anonymous]

Obviously it depends on the family dynamics. Would she feel that you are trying to control her decisions or lording your financial independence over her, then, perhaps, she might be offended. That said, if it were me, and these were the dynamics, I'd still find it very difficult to turn the offer down given the alternatives. You are very generous for even thinking of doing this. You should also talk to your tax advisor, as there will be tax consequences to such a gift, and you might be able to alleviate some of the tax burden if you do certain things (I don't know - I'm not a tax person).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom made this offer when my son didn't get any financial aid at our first choice school. In the end I didn't take her up on the offer, I didn't want to be beholden in that way, and I also questioned the committment of a school to diversity when they were slashing financial aid (they told me they didn't offer any financial aid to new families that year) while making an expansion to their building including lots of educationally unrelated luxuries like giant windows. It turned out to be the right choice as I later found out that every single African American boy accepted for that class turned them down -- I would not have wanted my child to be the only one.

Anyway, as I said we ended up turning down the spot, but I was still touched by the offer, and in no way offended.

Schools cannot redirect monies donated and earmarked for capital expenditures to financial aid. Donors make both restricted and unrestricted contributions. If the contribution is restricted to capital expenditures, schools cannot redirect monies that are earmarked that way to any other area (including financial aid). Schools don't willingly slash financial aid. With few exceptions in this area, schools are not-for-profit. They rely on the philanthropy of others (mostly other parents and in some cases grants) to generate funds to offer financial aid. They cannot give out more financial aid than what has been given by donors (annual giving, financial aid auction, etc.) or than what has been raised via auxilliary programs like summer camp. The fact that a school has no funds available for new families but has funds available for expanding facilities says absolutely nothing about that school's commitment to diversity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom made this offer when my son didn't get any financial aid at our first choice school. In the end I didn't take her up on the offer, I didn't want to be beholden in that way, and I also questioned the committment of a school to diversity when they were slashing financial aid (they told me they didn't offer any financial aid to new families that year) while making an expansion to their building including lots of educationally unrelated luxuries like giant windows. It turned out to be the right choice as I later found out that every single African American boy accepted for that class turned them down -- I would not have wanted my child to be the only one.

Anyway, as I said we ended up turning down the spot, but I was still touched by the offer, and in no way offended.

I find this post very interesting . . . Why would you think you would be beholden to your mother because she offered to assist with tuition. I guess I question the strength of the relationship. I know plenty of families receiving assistance from grandparents to offset the cost of tuition. My mother helps with my DCs tuition. Her thought is if I am going to purchase expensive gifts such as bikes, vacations, clothes, and electronics games I might as well use that money toward a gift of education in the form tuition and contributions to the school. DC is aware of the assistance provided by grandmother and is very grateful. She also contributes to a college fund for DC. Personally I prefer the assistance with educational cost vs the gifts. At the time I went to undergrad and grad school my mother was not in the position to send me to school so this is her way of helping me repay my student loans. Just somethings to consider. . . There are always underlying reasons parents are willing to assist.

[Anonymous]

My parents offered to pay for private school tuition for both my kids (or help with rent to get us into a better public school neighborhood), no strings attached. At the time, I was a just divorced single mom w/ poor income and poor job prospects and an unhelpful ex. Our oldest was in a DC public school that I had believed would be good, but it became clear in a few years that it was not able to provide the level of academics that child needed. I was extremely grateful for the offer and believed that it reflected only the normal parental desire to see offspring fulfill their potential. If I had money, I would have done it for any of my siblings, or helped in any non-monetary way I could. That is the nature of family, IMO.

As I made the round of private school open houses, it became extremely clear that asking for financial aid does indeed affect admission decisions. This is how it works: the admissions committee makes a needs-blind decision and then hands the file to the financial aid committee. If the FA committee decides it can fund the request, child is admitted. If the FA committee can not fund, child is rejected from the school. Parent does not ever know that child was rejected on financial basis. So, if you're going to make this offer, make it before applications.

Fortunately, I found a cheap house in the perfect public school area and all has worked out well. BUT, one lesson learned is that after my parents made this offer, the market tanked and there was definitely a time when, had I accepted the offer, I would have been stuck in the position of having obligated myself for tuition which my parents could then have ill-afforded. I was so thankful that I didn't have to confront that awful situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So I have a family member who has a child the same age as my child. I know that she is interested in a particular private school program but is reluctant to pursue it seriously because of the cost. She lives in a part of D.C. that does not have a good school, and she will otherwise be relying on the OOB or Charter school lottery.

It so happens that I am interested in the same private school and would love it if things worked out so that our kids could go to school together. (This is not for 2010; this would be a year or two down the road.)

Would it be out-of-line to offer to help pay for her child's tuition? I could easily afford to do so (and she knows that). [My potential offer is not necessarily tied to the kids going to the same school. That just happens to be what prompted my thought process.]

Also, apart from that threshold question, would it be better to let her know my willingness to assist upfront - as in, would her child's application be more attractive if it were clear that they would not be seeking financial aid?

How nice of you! She is lucky to have someone like you in her life. I would talk to her and see what she says.

[Anonymous]

I found out only in my 30s how I was able to attend private school (I had always wondered but my mother was not forthcoming). Her father paid for it all. I am profoundly grateful to him for that and will never be able to thank him, as he died right after I graduated from the same medical school he attended. Without his generosity I would be the product of a failed public school system, probably barely literate.

[Anonymous]

Do it! That would be so awesome and generous. Who wouldn't be so appreciative of that offer?! But mabye gift it directly to the child rather than as a handout to the mom...would that seem more seamless? I don't know, but might feel better that way.

I think that is so lovely of you. What a fabulous and special offer. I rarely read anything on this site that makes me think I'd actually want to meet or be friends with the author.

[Anonymous]

This is not true for all schools. I personally know of families who were admitted to Big 3 schools but who were denied financial aid. And I know of others who were admitted to top schools but were placed on financial aid waiting lists. So schools will admit you--even if they may not be able to provide you with aid.

Anonymous wrote:My parents offered to pay for private school tuition for both my kids (or help with rent to get us into a better public school neighborhood), no strings attached. At the time, I was a just divorced single mom w/ poor income and poor job prospects and an unhelpful ex. Our oldest was in a DC public school that I had believed would be good, but it became clear in a few years that it was not able to provide the level of academics that child needed. I was extremely grateful for the offer and believed that it reflected only the normal parental desire to see offspring fulfill their potential. If I had money, I would have done it for any of my siblings, or helped in any non-monetary way I could. That is the nature of family, IMO.

As I made the round of private school open houses, it became extremely clear that asking for financial aid does indeed affect admission decisions. This is how it works: the admissions committee makes a needs-blind decision and then hands the file to the financial aid committee. If the FA committee decides it can fund the request, child is admitted. If the FA committee can not fund, child is rejected from the school. Parent does not ever know that child was rejected on financial basis. So, if you're going to make this offer, make it before applications.

Fortunately, I found a cheap house in the perfect public school area and all has worked out well. BUT, one lesson learned is that after my parents made this offer, the market tanked and there was definitely a time when, had I accepted the offer, I would have been stuck in the position of having obligated myself for tuition which my parents could then have ill-afforded. I was so thankful that I didn't have to confront that awful situation.

[Anonymous]

My son was admitted to 2 top schools and even though I qualified for lots of FA (nearly the entire tuition), I didn't get any. But they still admitted my son. I guess some people would be able to scrape together enough money to send their child the first year and then hopefully get aid the following year more easily as a returning family. That is what the AD told me when she called to tell me my son was admitted and that they didn't have any FA available. There is no way I can come up with THAT much money even for one year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found out only in my 30s how I was able to attend private school (I had always wondered but my mother was not forthcoming). Her father paid for it all. I am profoundly grateful to him for that and will never be able to thank him, as he died right after I graduated from the same medical school he attended. Without his generosity I would be the product of a failed public school system, probably barely literate.

I love your post!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So I have a family member who has a child the same age as my child. I know that she is interested in a particular private school program but is reluctant to pursue it seriously because of the cost. She lives in a part of D.C. that does not have a good school, and she will otherwise be relying on the OOB or Charter school lottery.

It so happens that I am interested in the same private school and would love it if things worked out so that our kids could go to school together. (This is not for 2010; this would be a year or two down the road.)

Would it be out-of-line to offer to help pay for her child's tuition? I could easily afford to do so (and she knows that). [My potential offer is not necessarily tied to the kids going to the same school. That just happens to be what prompted my thought process.]

Also, apart from that threshold question, would it be better to let her know my willingness to assist upfront - as in, would her child's application be more attractive if it were clear that they would not be seeking financial aid?

How nice of you! She is lucky to have someone like you in her life. I would talk to her and see what she says.

I would be very touched by this offer. I'm not sure I would ultimately accept, but I agree that it is such a nice thing to offer. I can't imagine being offended as long as they way you offer it doesn't belittle the alternative if she does not accept (and it doesn't sound like that is in your phrasing).

[Anonymous]

OP,
If you are applying to a highly selective school, chances are that both of your children will not be accepted at the same school. How would you handle it if her child got in and yours did not?