Would you be offended if a family member offered to help pay for your kid to attend private school?

[Anonymous]

It happened in my family the RIGHT way. The person that offered said brought up the proposition parenthetically "What should you do if x family/person offers to pay for y family/person education. He spoke of it in the third person. The he told the group the proper answer is " Thank you" and that all bills should be sent his way. It was NEVER discussed again. This was my grandfather who went to Harvard at 16 and probably paid for at leasst 20 relatives/neighbors to go boarding school, college & several PHDs.The neighbors NEVER knew he was a secret benefactor because he didn't want them to feel beholden or in debt but wanted to silently help out during a challenging time. I wish that approach could still exist today. My grandfather did what he did because it was the "right" thing to do and never let anyone argue much less feel beholden. It still touches me today that he never felt the need or even wanted to be acknowledged - just felt it was the prudent thing to do.

[Anonymous]

Tuition is often paid by family members or trust funds. Sometimes even family freinds pay for another families tuition. It is not at all unusual.

[Anonymous]

We were pretty poor growing up with 8 kids in the family. My grandfather paid for all 29 of his grandchildren (my family included) to attend the best Catholic schools in our city. We are eternally grateful to him. We all remember him and his generosity. We wouldn't have succeeded the way we all have if it weren't for him.

Generosity is a great thing. As long as you offer it in the spirit of generosity OP -- I'm sure your friend would welcome it very much.

[Anonymous]

What a wonderful grandfather! I hope to be able to do the same for my grandchildren one day.

Anonymous wrote:We were pretty poor growing up with 8 kids in the family. My grandfather paid for all 29 of his grandchildren (my family included) to attend the best Catholic schools in our city. We are eternally grateful to him. We all remember him and his generosity. We wouldn't have succeeded the way we all have if it weren't for him.

Generosity is a great thing. As long as you offer it in the spirit of generosity OP -- I'm sure your friend would welcome it very much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not true for all schools. I personally know of families who were admitted to Big 3 schools but who were denied financial aid. And I know of others who were admitted to top schools but were placed on financial aid waiting lists. So schools will admit you--even if they may not be able to provide you with aid.

Anonymous wrote:My parents offered to pay for private school tuition for both my kids (or help with rent to get us into a better public school neighborhood), no strings attached. At the time, I was a just divorced single mom w/ poor income and poor job prospects and an unhelpful ex. Our oldest was in a DC public school that I had believed would be good, but it became clear in a few years that it was not able to provide the level of academics that child needed. I was extremely grateful for the offer and believed that it reflected only the normal parental desire to see offspring fulfill their potential. If I had money, I would have done it for any of my siblings, or helped in any non-monetary way I could. That is the nature of family, IMO.

As I made the round of private school open houses, it became extremely clear that asking for financial aid does indeed affect admission decisions. This is how it works: the admissions committee makes a needs-blind decision and then hands the file to the financial aid committee. If the FA committee decides it can fund the request, child is admitted. If the FA committee can not fund, child is rejected from the school. Parent does not ever know that child was rejected on financial basis. So, if you're going to make this offer, make it before applications.

Fortunately, I found a cheap house in the perfect public school area and all has worked out well. BUT, one lesson learned is that after my parents made this offer, the market tanked and there was definitely a time when, had I accepted the offer, I would have been stuck in the position of having obligated myself for tuition which my parents could then have ill-afforded. I was so thankful that I didn't have to confront that awful situation.

One can be denied financial aid if the school believes that you are financially capable, so I don't believe that is reason to question what I've written above -- you would have to know if the family was deemed qualified. BUT, being placed on a financial aid waiting list is another matter.

This is how it works at GDS. I went to the Open House for financial aid a few years ago and the director of financial aid was quite explicit about this. Her reasoning was that they had seen families who were admitted, clearly needed financial aid, but weren't given financial aid do unsustainable things to pay tuition for their child and that causes problems in the long run. So, they don't admit if you ask for financial aid, need it but they can't give it. One might question whether that's the right approach; I'm not so much interested in debating it, but rather being clear on how it works, because it really makes the difference in how you decide to apply.

If anyone applied a child to a school, qualified for financial aid, and were admitted and but not given financial aid, it would be very helpful to name the school. I don't think it's prejudicial to the school as everyone understands that there are far more qualified (academically and financially) students, than there are funds to pay for such kids.

[Anonymous]

Grandparents can avoid the gift tax if they pay for grandchildren's private school tuition, so it can be an estate planning thing.

[Anonymous]

To avoid gift tax, the payment has to be made directly to the school.

Several years ago a friend's child was admitted to Burke for 7th, with no FA offered. Rejected from Field. The outplacment at the private school student was coming from said the two schools frequently did this. Field would only accept a family that needed aid, if it was available. Burke would accept and not offer aid. The Field rejection might have been on the candidate's qualificiatons or on the FA situation. Family clearly needed aid and found the Burke admission troubling. Student went public.

[Anonymous]

I've heard of arrangements like this, in one case a well-off family who paid for their own daughter and the daughter's best friend (not at all well off) to attend the same boarding school. There was some sort of arrangement with the school to make it look like financial aid/a special scholarship for the friend. I don't think it was a big secret who was actually funding the scholarship, but the money was funneled through the school so the help felt more arm's length.

[Anonymous]

7:12 I don't understand your post. The two schools frequently did what? They don't confer on applicants. Was this a Sheridan student?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom made this offer when my son didn't get any financial aid at our first choice school. In the end I didn't take her up on the offer, I didn't want to be beholden in that way, and I also questioned the committment of a school to diversity when they were slashing financial aid (they told me they didn't offer any financial aid to new families that year) while making an expansion to their building including lots of educationally unrelated luxuries like giant windows. It turned out to be the right choice as I later found out that every single African American boy accepted for that class turned them down -- I would not have wanted my child to be the only one.

Anyway, as I said we ended up turning down the spot, but I was still touched by the offer, and in no way offended.

This is another form of entitlement that sickens me. The PP who explained the cap ex vs. donations to the annual fund, auction, etc... was spot on. The fact that you don't understand how all of that works means that you don't belong in independent school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom made this offer when my son didn't get any financial aid at our first choice school. In the end I didn't take her up on the offer, I didn't want to be beholden in that way, and I also questioned the committment of a school to diversity when they were slashing financial aid (they told me they didn't offer any financial aid to new families that year) while making an expansion to their building including lots of educationally unrelated luxuries like giant windows. It turned out to be the right choice as I later found out that every single African American boy accepted for that class turned them down -- I would not have wanted my child to be the only one.

Anyway, as I said we ended up turning down the spot, but I was still touched by the offer, and in no way offended.

Schools cannot redirect monies donated and earmarked for capital expenditures to financial aid. Donors make both restricted and unrestricted contributions. If the contribution is restricted to capital expenditures, schools cannot redirect monies that are earmarked that way to any other area (including financial aid). Schools don't willingly slash financial aid. With few exceptions in this area, schools are not-for-profit. They rely on the philanthropy of others (mostly other parents and in some cases grants) to generate funds to offer financial aid. They cannot give out more financial aid than what has been given by donors (annual giving, financial aid auction, etc.) or than what has been raised via auxilliary programs like summer camp. The fact that a school has no funds available for new families but has funds available for expanding facilities says absolutely nothing about that school's commitment to diversity.

That's me you quoted above.

I've worked in private schools, I know how it works, and I disagree with you on this. When schools, or other non-profits go about fundraising, they make their preferences known to their would be donors. Plenty of donors, particularly parents, approach schools and say "I'd like to make a difference for a school that has made a difference for my child, please tell me how to direct my gift". A school could say "increasing our socio-economic diversity is a major goal for us right now, please consider making your donation to our financial aid program" or they can say "we want a new gym floor". Is that true of every donor? No, but it's true of some. In addition, a school can't have a huge capital campaign, and not expect it to effect their income in other areas. When a school already has a fantastic building, and decides to expand it (and thereby expand their heating costs, maintenance costs, security costs, and all sorts of other expenses that come from their operating budget -- the same budget that CAN be used for financial aid) they are making a decision.

In addition, as you said, many major donors are parents -- they are part of the school community. If a significant portion of the school community is valueing architecture over diversity, then they aren't sharing my family's values. Does that mean they are terrible people? No, but they aren't who I want for my child's primary peer group.

As far as wanting my child not to be the only African American boy, or the only child from a middle class family in his class. Yes, I do feel that way. I know that there are not many white families in this city who would choose to send their child to a school where there wasn't a single child who shared their ethnicity or their family's income. Do we call those families "entitled"?

[Anonymous]

1. You worked in private schools, which means that you know how development works in all private schools....and specifically my DC's private school.

2. Because a school didn't give your child financial aid (nevermind the financial aid it gave other students) means that it doesn't value diversity

3. Because parents give to capital campaigns which benefit the growth of the school and all of its constituents therein, they are not worthy to be graced by your presence or that of your child. Certainly these generous parents and the schools to which they give cannot and do not effectively balance the many priorities that compete for funds. Of course, as you've worked in private schools, you are better positioned to advise them.

4. Because schools expand their facilities, they must by default do so at the expense of diversity

5. And you're not at all just a wee bit entitled when you expect other parents (you know, the ones that don't share your family's values) to fund your child's education despite the fact that your parent offered to pay and you declined.

Yeah, right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. You worked in private schools, which means that you know how development works in all private schools....and specifically my DC's private school.

I didn't realize your child attended this particular school. Given that I didn't even name the school, I'm not sure how you can know that you know more about their development than I do.

2. Because a school didn't give your child financial aid (nevermind the financial aid it gave other students) means that it doesn't value diversity

I was very specific in my post that the school told me that that year they had not offered financial aid to a single new student. If they had said to me "our financial aid budget is limited, and there were other candidates we felt were stronger or more needy" or "we had an unusually high number of siblings who were prioritized for financial aid this year, we're sorry", I wouldn't have batted an eye, but that's not what they said. They said that the budget had been cut and they were not offering any new financial aid. I should also note that this was long enough ago that the recession was not an excuse. Anyway, yes, a school who cuts their financial aid budget, when they already don't have a lot of socio-economic diversity, is making a statement that socio-economic diversity is not a high priority for them.

3. Because parents give to capital campaigns which benefit the growth of the school and all of its constituents therein, they are not worthy to be graced by your presence or that of your child. Certainly these generous parents and the schools to which they give cannot and do not effectively balance the many priorities that compete for funds. Of course, as you've worked in private schools, you are better positioned to advise them.

[/b]If I felt that diversity was more important to my child's education than non-pragmatic archtectural features, then I'd make sure my giving was targeted towards diversity. I would assume that someone who is making thte choice is doing so because they have different priorities. Another option would be to assume that they are undeucated or unintelligent in how they donate. Would you prefer that I assume that?"


4. Because schools expand their facilities, they must by default do so at the expense of diversity

In this case, given what I was told by the admissions director, and what I could see with my own eyes, yes I think they did. There are other schools who seem to have been able to balance those two goals more equally, but in this case -- yes, I do think so.


5. And you're not at all just a wee bit entitled when you expect other parents (you know, the ones that don't share your family's values) to fund your child's education despite the fact that your parent offered to pay and you declined.

[b]My mother made the offer AFTER my child was turned down for aid. I applied for aid not knowing it was an option. In the end I chose a public school for my child where he has thrived.

Yeah, right.

[Anonymous]

Wow, PP. Don't share your family's values -- aren't who you want for your child's primary peer group -- uneducated and unintelligent. Definitely agree with 10:48. Glad your child is thriving in public school.