How do I get over having high expectations of others?
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Anonymous
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I'm realizing I have this problem where I have high expectations of how others should act in a situation and then when they don't do what I think they should do,I am so disappointed.
For example, my mom had a major surgery recently and I was talking with a friend about it a few days before. I was texting them about it, talking about the surgery, when it was , how worried I was,etc. Well,the surgery came and went and I never heard a peep from this friend.no 'how did it go,how are you doing?' This is so ridiculous because they have a life,and probably just forgot or it just wasn't important. But I'm left feeling so sad about it. I know I should just call them up but I feel like,why am I even bothering? I'm realizing I do this more than is probably healthy. I definitely keep score in my head of things people do /don't do.mostly small things like,oh I never got a thank you for that gift I sent,etc. I don't hold grudges but I definitely remember these things. In this case though this was a major thing for me and I was telling them before how worried I was,and then to have them never follow up makes me wonder if I should just cut my losses and realize that I now realize where I actually stand as far as friendship with this person. It probably doesn't help that my mom's recovery was really challenging and I could have really used the support of even a quick,'how are you doing?' text or call. I'm trying to get a reality check from others because I realizing it's not healthy to keep score. Am I reading too much into this? I'm feeling really disappointed and sad about it, like we were probably not friends after all. |
Anonymous
| Same, OP. Same. I've been realizing lately that if I enforce healthy boundaries and stand up for myself, I will be left with no one -- no romantic partner, no friends, no family. People effing suck. |
Anonymous
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I think it's easier to go through life being pleasantly surprised, OP. My friends have helped me out of jams by offering material help. Translation services during emergencies, taking care of my kids, cooking for me, and above all, being a listening ear when I needed emotional support and/or brainstorming. They have busy lives, however, and unless my parents were dying or deceased, I would not expect my close friends to remember to call. It's good enough that my best friend came to my surgery and held my hand until I was wheeled into the operation room. That's not to say there aren't self-centered, really forgetful people around. My husband is quite disappointing in that regard. It would be nice to have a more caring husband! I hope yours is supportive and attentive. |
Anonymous
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I guess that's what I'm struggling with--I don't want to be judgmental but I feel like a doormat sometimes if I try not to let things bother me. I'm having a really hard time knowing where the line is between taking things too personally vs the feeling that this was important to me and they weren't there for me and I need to pay attention to this.
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Anonymous
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Nothing about this post makes me think you actually want to stop doing this.
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Anonymous
+1 
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Anonymous
| Sorry, I am like your friend, forgetful and self centered but in my presence I'm all about you. I have trouble with "out of sight, out of mind" but I do care. |
Anonymous
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I just can't imagine placing expectations like this on anyone right now.
I would never have expected a follow up just for this question about a parent from one of my friends, but I also don't share that much. I think you are way overthinking and expecting too much. This friend not following up has nothing to do with the status of your friendship. People have a shit ton going on in their lives. |
Anonymous
| I don't know that your expectations are high, I think they're unreasonable. You're basically using your friend like a therapist, which...is not what friends are for. Did you ask the friend if it would be ok if you unloaded on her or did you just do it? It's an invasion of her boundaries to just go on about your worries like that (it's not even your surgery!) for days in a row and expect the friend to be on board with supporting you through it, which is a big job. Also, your post is fully about you. Are you there for your friends in the same way that you expect them to be there for you? I'm guessing not because you sound pretty self absorbed. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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“How do I get over having high expectations of others?”
I don’t know if there is a way to get over having high expectations of others but, you eventually stop having expectations of others because you always get let down. You rely on yourself and that’s it. Maybe your significant other. You’ll come to realize most people are selfish and self centered. |
Anonymous
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All of this just takes the focus off of yourself. You’ve set things up so you can sit back, judge others for disappointing you and then be a victim. You don’t have to work on yourself, examine where you may have been less than helpful or kind, or hold yourself accountable to your own aspirations.
As another posted noted, you don’t seem to want to make any changes. I imagine it’s quite familiar and comfortable for you, OP. Sad, but comfortable. |
Anonymous
| Holy shit, you’re going to “cut your losses” with a friend because she didn’t call you after your mom’s surgery to see how it went? You sound exhausting. |
Anonymous
| You need to ask for what you want. In this situation it’s to text, “mom is out of surgery!” Friend will then do what you wanted (ask how it went, shower you in attention). Don’t set people up to fail which is what you are doing now. |
Anonymous
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“People let you down and in the end you die in your own arms”.
Olivia Soprano |