5 year age gap - the good, bad & ugly

[Anonymous]

Hello - after 3 years of secondary infertility we are due in January! With that said it’s now occurred to me that we will have a 5(ish) year age gap between DD (5 in October) and the new baby DD. They will have their own rooms and we’re planning on getting a second car due to most likely having to divide and conquer with activities. What else? We are of course elated and our older child has bern asking for a sibling for a couple of years now. Would like to get ahead of it all!

[Anonymous]

Congrats!

My DD was also SUPER excited about another DD. Although, the second we got home she realized newborn was always with sleeping or nursing. This was VERY hard on her, for months, despite trying to take time to spend quality time with my first. She didn't understand newborns don't "play" and aren't interactive. Finally once my second started smiling and interacting, my first was "into" her more.
But seriously, the jealousy was real.

Now that my second is one, they play together and my first is much, much happier. Just want to point out it might not be all rainbows and such.

On the other hand, 5 year old is a little more independent and can help, play by herself, etc. There are definitely pros to having the wide age gap.

[Anonymous]

Good: the older one is more independent and capable while you have a new born

Bad: they’re far apart in school so you’re rarely in one school at the same time.

Age gap doesn’t predict sibling closeness. Just try and enjoy those kids and not stress about the gap!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congrats!

My DD was also SUPER excited about another DD. Although, the second we got home she realized newborn was always with sleeping or nursing. This was VERY hard on her, for months, despite trying to take time to spend quality time with my first. She didn't understand newborns don't "play" and aren't interactive. Finally once my second started smiling and interacting, my first was "into" her more.
But seriously, the jealousy was real.

Now that my second is one, they play together and my first is much, much happier. Just want to point out it might not be all rainbows and such.

On the other hand, 5 year old is a little more independent and can help, play by herself, etc. There are definitely pros to having the wide age gap.

This was my experience as well - they are now 5 and 10 and sometimes the best of friends and sometimes annoy each other - just like all siblings

[Anonymous]

Congrats! Don't worry about the age gap.

My sister and I are 4.5 years apart, 5 school years. I was very excited when she arrived but then we fought a lot in ES/MS years and were not really close until she graduated college. We have a great relationship as adults.

I'm sure some of our fighting was age and typical sibling stuff but my sister and I were deeply jealous of each other. My parents had a clear favorite (me) but also held me to a higher standard while being more lenient with her. They were also stretched: my dad was remodeling our home in his off hours and my mom was working nights. They both were tired and had poor control of their tempers. Make sure you have sleep and are able to respond calmly to your kids: your life may be chaos but it's not their fault and they deserve calm and peace. Try to give each kid time alone, and time alone with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congrats!

My DD was also SUPER excited about another DD. Although, the second we got home she realized newborn was always with sleeping or nursing. This was VERY hard on her, for months, despite trying to take time to spend quality time with my first. She didn't understand newborns don't "play" and aren't interactive. Finally once my second started smiling and interacting, my first was "into" her more.
But seriously, the jealousy was real.

Now that my second is one, they play together and my first is much, much happier. Just want to point out it might not be all rainbows and such.

On the other hand, 5 year old is a little more independent and can help, play by herself, etc. There are definitely pros to having the wide age gap.

This was my experience as well - they are now 5 and 10 and sometimes the best of friends and sometimes annoy each other - just like all siblings

+2, identical experience here, so far. DDs are now 5.5 and just turned 1. I am really surprised at how well they play together, although we have to be very diligent about keeping older DD’s smaller toys (Lego, smaller Barbie clothing items, small craft pieces, etc) out of the shared play area, since 1yo DD puts everything straight in her mouth. Older DD begged for a sibling for a long time, and she is still super excited to have a little sister. I’m sure there will be bumps in the road ahead (what family doesn’t have those?) but I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how well it has gone so far. I had wanted a much smaller age gap, but we also dealt with infertility. I’m glad they aren’t closer together, actually. Older DD’s independence and general understanding of the baby’s needs has been very helpful.

[Anonymous]

I have the 5 year age gap twice. My kids are all very close. Our lifestyle very much catered to the older kids in that we didn't want to miss out on all of the fun things they could do just because we had a baby. So ours were good travelers from a young age. They could sleep anywhere - with one of those places being a baby backpack, fortunately. And, now that the youngest is home, it's all about her, which she loves.

The downside is that I had more than a decade of toys cluttering my living room. I thought that play kitchen would never leave. I never had two kids in the same school at the same time - but also didn't have two post high school educations at the same time. By the time the younger kids are ready for activities, the older ones could drive. Made for many more opportunities for the younger ones because we are a two working parent household and before having a driver, the kids couldn't do afterschool activities that started before 6 pm.

Congratulations!

[Anonymous]

I have a sibling 6 years older and a sibling 8 years younger. I hated how much my life changed with my younger sibling. I had to do a lot for him and my activities were often curtailed because of him. On the other hand, I liked that he adored me and did whatever i wanted for the first several years.
I remember being mad when he stopped changing the channel on the tv for me. Also, he was adorable while I was going through a very awkward age, so it sucked to hear how cure and adorable and sweet he was. I hated the older because he was the boss of me. We clashed all the time until he went to college.

Now? I'm very close to them both. Closer to the older, but love them both to death.

[Anonymous]

My boys 5.5 years apart, now 18 and 23. Honestly, I think it's been great and have never wished they were closer in age. They are pretty good friends, but I don't believe age gap has much to do with sibling closeness.

[Anonymous]

I’m 6 years older than my sister and we are besties.

[Anonymous]

Congrats, OP! We also went through secondary infertility and have a six-year age gap between our kids, who are now in college and grad school. Your divide and conquer strategy worked for us. We always made sure that our younger child had a nap, even if that meant both parents didn't attend the older kid's games or events. I know that doesn't work for every family, but we found that having a well-rested younger sib made life easier. As the kids got older, we encouraged their shared interests in sports, which brought them closer together. We did a lot of ski vacations, bike rides, family tennis, beach trips, etc. Now, as young adults, they are good friends and support each other in all their interests and goals. Finally, one benefit of the age gap might be that as parents we were less likely to compare them to each other. HTH and best wishes to you!

[Anonymous]

OP, mine is an only child, but my brother and I have a 4-year age gap and the early parts of our childhood were a lot more tranquil and calm (for my parents and for us) than "stairstepped" close-in-age kids. We are close, but in a different way than siblings close in age; I was always more of a mentor and protector than a close playmate. We rarely fought and I actually wanted to help with the baby when he was born. None of the typical big-sibling toddler jealousy.

Plus, the all-important: I was potty trained when he came along! My mom complained my dad didn't help and this was her #1 priority for kid age spacing. I know the age gap wasn't your choice but there are wonderful stress-relieving upsides.

[Anonymous]

OP, there's another thread from recently about a 7 year gap with lots of reassuring comments, too. I'm the oldest of 3 with 2 6-year gaps, and my DDs will be 6 years apart, as well. Other than the fact that DH and I are 6 years older, too, I don't see any downsides. Congrats to you!

[Anonymous]

So far a year in it's been pretty good. We do a lot of divide and conquer and it's really helpful that the older child can be very self sufficient and can play by herself or get dressed/put shoes on/fix a snack if needed.

The bigger challenge has been figuring out outings with his nap schedule but fortunately he can roll with the punches around naps and has a good wake window from 8 to 10 and noon to 4:00 so we can work around that.

I have another friend who has two kids with a big age gap and she basically said that the second kid is just usually along for the ride. For example when we go to the pool most of the time we are in the big pool and he occasionally gets to go in the baby pool. He seems pretty happy hanging with the big kids so it's fine

[Anonymous]

I have 3, but my eldest is 5.5 years older than my youngest. Our dynamics might be different because we have our middle child. However, as you can expect, the older is more helpful, less jealous of the third than our second (who is 3 years older than third) is.
That said, the older does not play with the youngest, but our middle child will. This all seems logical to me as closer in age kids might play, fight, compete more… I have two older girls (8 and 6) and a younger boy (2.5).